As I write this I can’t believe how stupid I was! I mean the warning signs were all there but I didn’t see them.  Either I was completely unconscious or I was in serious denial.

My wife and I were married for 15 years.   We actually had a great marriage at the beginning.  We had many similar interests – we loved to play tennis we loved to eat, and we loved to hang out with our friends.  We spent a lot of time together and had great passion in our marriage.

When the kids came, life changed.  It got busy and it was hard to find time for “us”.  But we did – we made date nights a priority and tried to sneak a weekend away alone every year.  As the kids grew and their schedules became busier, we often found ourselves running around with the kids  separately.  Sometimes a whole weekend would pass and we would have barely spent a minute alone.

We would laugh and say that this wouldn’t last forever and relished our alone time when we could get it.

But then things changed.  The last year of our marriage had many warning signs that I was oblivious to. So in an effort to help someone else – here are my tips on what to look out for:

  1. Cosmetic Enhancements –  If your wife suddenly wants anything done cosmetically you should become suspicious: Boob Job, Tummy Tuck, Botox, Braces, Eyelash Extensions, etc…   My wife did it all – it never even dawned on me that she was preparing to leave.  I paid and took care of her through each of the procedures.  It was strange that all of a sudden she was consumed with her appearance.  She told me she just wanted to feel better about herself and to be supportive.  So I was… boy was I a fool!
  2. Sudden Weight Loss – My wife suddenly lost her “baby weight” years after having her babies.  She was focused on her weight and was more interested in working out and NOT eating.  Gone were our adventurous dinners around the city trying new restaurants.  She lost all interest in food and was hyper focussed on her body.    I thought she was going through a mid life crisis.  She had never been so into how she looked.  Clearly she was trying to impress someone else.
  3. Travelling Alone – One day my wife came home and told me that it was her dream to go away “alone” for 2 weeks.  She wanted some time off from being a mother and a wife.  She wanted to travel alone because she had Never done it before.  I fully supported her and took care of our three kids without even questioning it.  I am now certain she went away with someone else!
  4. Duty Sex – We went from not being able to keep our hands off each other to “duty” sex.  She just wasn’t into it anymore.  She was tired, she had a headache, the kids were in the next room – she was never at a loss for an excuse of why she couldn’t have sex.  I believed all of them – truth was she was having sex with someone else.
  5. Lack of Communication – my wife used to call me 3 times a day at the office.  In fact, she would get angry when I would tell her I had to go.  All of the sudden, the calls stopped.  She was disinterested during the day and wasn’t particularly talkative at night.  I definitely felt disconnected but thought maybe I was imagining it.

She ultimately asked for a divorce  – told me that she wasn’t happy and wanted more.  She said there was no one else but that she was looking for “passion” and a “spark” and just didn’t feel it in our marriage.  I was in complete shock.  I didn’t see it coming.  Perhaps if I had paid attention to the above signs, I would have been better prepared.

Sam, 46

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