I am a newly divorced woman in her early fifties. The details of my divorce aren’t really important. We got married, we had kids, we grew apart. We have been divorced for 2 years and although it saddens me that my family has been broken apart, I am happy that my ex and I have have managed to be civil enough to make it okay for the kids.

What I find most interesting at this point is the whole dating scene. There is such a difference between what is available for men and woman. Here is what I have found:

For single men the options are plentiful. We have all heard about how easy it is for a man to start dating in his fifties and how there are plenty of women to choose from.

And there is. …

It seems that the breakdown of available women fall into the following categories:

1. Early 30’s and never been married – these women must have “daddy issues”. Their desire to be with men 15-20 years their senior means they are looking for someone to take care of them both financially and personally. Be cautious men, these women are looking for you to do it all over again and that means house and children. Sure it will start with great sex and they will make you feel “alive” and young but proceed with caution. When they tell you that they don’t want these things they are lying!

2. Early 40’s with small children – although these women are closer to your age (not really) they are at a completely different stage. They are raising small kids and are looking for someone to be a partner. Yes they do want you to help raise their kids and do it all over again. They may say they don’t but they too are lying. If you have money, well that just makes you more attractive.

3. Women in their 50’s – these women are your age and there are many available in this group. (yes I do fall into this category) Chances are good that these women have older kids who are well on their way and don’t really want your input on their children. They know who they are and why their marriage failed and are looking for pure companionship. They probably won’t be in “awe” of you and hang on your every word. They won’t be interested in pumping your ego or making you feel young. Rather they will be someone who will have realistic expectations of you and be accepting of who you are at this time of your life. They will want to grow old with you and have an age appropriate relationship with you.

From my experience there are few men who are looking to date their contemporaries. The thrill and excitement of a younger woman is so compelling. Those rare gems who value women with age and experience are just that – rare!

So I will wait and not settle.  I am confident that my soul mate is out there.  Someone who will appreciate what my age and wisdom brings to the partnership.  I am happier than I have ever been and what I truly have learned is that I don’t need a man to make me complete.

 

Linda, 53

75 Responses to “Dating in your 50’s – Easy for Men… Not so much for Women!”

  1. kitty

    Feeling good about yourself is really the most important thing, because you are probably going to be alone if you find yourself alone at 50. The stats are frightening – 12% of single women 50-60 find sexual partners – it goes down to 4% at 60. We can all be positive and optimistic , but psychologists suggest practicing alternative forms of sexuality and some openly advocate partner sharing.
    Finding a non-sexual partner seems to be less of a problem, a lot of nice men suffer from erectile dis-function and might welcome an older partner.
    The most important ties to make after 50 if you are alone, are meaningful friendships. These need to be nurtured because chances are there will not be a partner to usher you into old age, and community is probably the most important aspect of successful aging.

    Reply
      • BillyG

        seeking a man around your age with fully functioning physical & mental faculties not asking for too much, 50s yo woman wants 100% sex with guys will have to seek a younger guy who may pump & dump with better than even odds

        Reply
    • Bob

      “The details of my divorce aren’t really important”

      But they really are.

      You don’t need to look for the answer elsewere.

      Reply
    • Greg Stewart

      So we’ll put lady…thanks. .. as a man in my late fifties divorced for 2 1/2 years from a 30+ year marriage to a serial cheater, Bi- Polar, Somatic Narcissist…. I did not date through separation, the divorce process or after divorce…. Just started putting myself out there so to speak in the past year…with many meet/ greet dates, only two led to a second date…first was a separated 49 year lady that led to 5 dates where I was a satisfying rebound, we are still distant friends….the second an attractive drug dealer (kidding, a Pharmacist 😉) mid 50’s …we fell for each other, having many wonderful times and experiences..in her break up letter stating she was attracted to my handsome first impression, my sensual nature, most fun outgoing gentleman, and best lover in bed she had ever experienced. . yet again I was a rebound as her divorce was not complete and she went back to prior 6 month boyfriend, that offered a better financial nest…I’m a hopeless romantic and my heart was broken again… It’s not as easy as women think being a single late 50’s 6’4″ trim/fit, mentally healthy, attractive, sexually​ fit male…. Greg Stewart, Concord, Ca. LinkedIn, Google+, Twitter
      Just sayin’ it’s not easy out there…

      Reply
      • Amber Joy

        Hi Greg….Kudos to you for even attempting to date women closer to your age. I’d say that most men your age actually prefer women 20 years younger, so it’s refreshing to know that there’s still a “few” of you out there who doesn’t base your interest in women solely on their age.

        Reply
      • Sue Murphy

        Greg, Your story could have been mine, except I am female, and I have been divorced 15 years. The stories have replayed over the years, and I have come to question if I am ever to find a partner to grow old with, as it seems that I am already doing that! Lol! I just really want someone to wake up with, share the days events, not that we have to do everything together; we don’t. But for a marriage that ended in tears, it had many good years that unfortunately could not be salvaged. I still believe in marriage and believe that men and women are meant to live in harmonious relationships. I have had more poor experiences than good with dating sites, and I seem to be a failure when it comes to meeting my “other half” in what I would call traditional manners. I wouldn’t go back to a bad marriage for all the tea in China, yet at the same time, I wouldn’t wish the late fifties dating scene on my worst enemy. Best of luck to you on finding someone with whom to share your life!

        Reply
      • Brig

        As a woman in her mid-fifties and who often gets mistaken for at least 10 years younger, I’m astonished at how many men in my social circle see me as just a friend and consistently chase women in their 30s only to be re-buffed time and time again and not learn or look at older women more ‘age appropriate’. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, my kids are late teens, I’m more self-assured having licked my wounds a few after a couple of abusive partners, yet I still am only friend material to the guys I find attractive. I often wonder where I’m going wrong. I have a great social life, I do many physical hobbies, I have a job, I drive, I’m adventurous, I’ve been told I’m good looking and interesting…so I’m puzzled as to why the dating arena is proving so tough. I seem to attract the kind of guy that likes my free-spiritedness yet are often the types to start clipping my wings as soon as my attention is elsewhere. I never ever thought ageism would be an issue, I thought it was an imagined thing. I still believe, however, in my weird optimism that out there is someone for me…someone at a similar age who can appreciate me and whom I can appreciate. In the meantime, I’m out there living my life to the fullest I’ve ever lived. Thanks Linda for this article. Brilliant and I can relate so much to you.

        Reply
        • RP

          you are not doing anything wrong. its just biology. men are attracted to youth and beauty in women like women are attracted to status and resources in men. Women when they get older start to lose what men are attracted to. If men are not physically attracted to you then they will not pursue you.

          Reply
      • Anonymous

        try not being 6 4′ and financially just doing ok. im getting tired of being an “also interviewed”

        Reply
        • Carl

          Turn it around and interview them . Your the man it is your job to interview not the irrational women .

          Reply
    • dave

      you dont speak for everyone, men or women and if you did what a terrible world it would be

      i find most women online judge by looks first or so it seems…do you like that comment?

      Reply
      • Dave M

        To Dave from Dave
        I agree, I tried my luck at 2 dating sites for about six months, and not even a wink or a smile. Women do seem to make more of the mans looks rather than anything else. I got divorced over 20 years ago and after many attempts at dating feel that at 52 I just can’t be bothered anymore. I have much better things to do with my time than waste it with little chance of success.

        Reply
        • Bob

          Even if you found a woman believe me after a while you would not live up to her expectations. We are in an anti male , women are the victims of men period in history . Stay single keep your money and rent sex if you need it that bad. Even pre nups don’t hold up in court , she will own you.

          Reply
        • Sophie 3

          Hi Dave My name is Sophie 3. I have been were you are. It would be nice to meet someone who is honest, looking for someone their age not 20 years younger. I am in my 50’s but young @ heart. I usually start my profile letting men my age know I am disabled with MS. Does not stop me from living, things just take longer. I still am very much still part of the 60’s and 70’s. Especially music wise. My favorite is the Blues and always rock and roll. My life did a 180 I like to say but as I have been told I have lived all ready for 3 people. Things have changed for me but I am still going to live just not enough for 3. I’m very lucky I lived my life large now it’s time just to live and enjoy the company of a man with similar likes. Not much of a TV person but I keep watching MASH. Looking for that one episode I have not seen yet ( I don’t there is one but I love it just the same. I am in the Boston area. Maybe drop me a line if you’like. Maybe a bit of a chat…..and go from there. Sophie 3

          Reply
    • John

      i don’t buy that at all. You can meet someone at any age. I know lots of women over 50 who’ve started and kept proper relationships

      Reply
      • Jenny

        Yes. I think that women Kitty is a jackass. If you are looking, you will find someone. These are negative stereotypes and utter bull.

        Reply
      • Sophie 3

        John, you are so right.Be open to your likes as well as the person in your life and above all be honest. Sophie3

        Reply
    • JC

      Life is definitely easier for women! It is insane to think otherwise.
      Consider a few facts:
      1. Women have the ability to go out an any given night and be outnumbered 3 to 1 by men.
      2. Men are looking for someone to just acknowledge them.
      3. Women file for divorce over 80% of the time.
      4. Does anyone really believe that men are not the most docile people in the ordinary family. Consider the body differences (ovulation and PMS) and just consider how often women are friends with other women. Men have friends from childhood. Women rule the world and it is not pretty behind closed doors.

      Reply
  2. Sara

    I am your age and younger men than me are being attracted to me. Initially when I became single again I gave those men attention, after few dates I found them extremely boring.

    Since I had these bad experiences I don’t waste time on men. I simply ignore the attention they give me. Since my separation I had many accomplishments at work and i rebuild my social life as a single woman with many friends.

    Some nights I wish I had a great partner but I am not willing to waste my time looking for him.

    I am very happy being single. I know I will continue to have great accomplishments with or without a man in my life.

    When I think of all the things that I want to do, I left with no time for a man.

    I have a son who I have great relationship with. We reads books together and we are interested in the same issues. He gives me great support for all my work accomplishments.

    When he will leave the nest I probably will feel lonely, but I will not waste my time looking for a man, because the selection is…..

    So don’t feel bad for not finding the one, the selection is very poor. You have to remember that this time what you are looking for is not clear. The first time you wanted husband house and kids. The second time the wants are not that clear and therefore more difficult to find. Also you have to remember that we live in a disposable society if something is not quite right about someone we simply dump him. That makes it more difficult to get to know people.

    Don’t give up one day out of the blue when you are least expecting you will meat him. The question will be if you will do something about him or simply let him go.

    Reply
    • jim

      sara, you sound angry and the time you push it off are lost opportunities, understanding yourself and desires is what you figure out dating. he will see your too independent and feel he is just another one of your accomplishments if you find that person.

      Reply
  3. Anonymous

    At fifty six and single with kids a decade….each year the pool gets uglier and fatter…..lol! WASTE OF TIME.

    Reply
    • Jeff5555jeff

      I’m a genuine person. I’m 56 and I was an iron worker for 30 years. Utah of those I was a steel contractor. I’m honest, and have integrity.

      Reply
  4. najevi

    Your perspective was a refreshing one to read. I am also 53 and not quite 7 years divorced.

    You might count me among the “rare” ones because I have no interest in younger women, but for me it is less about a woman’s age and more about whether or not she has discovered that she doesn’t need me! And by “me” , yes, I mean “us men.” You see, for me I’d much rather be wanted than needed! And I suspect that women feel the same way but am not sure so I am asking here.

    But here’s the ironic thing. I also feel great about being single and whilst I reserve the right to change my mind and be “swept off my feet” if the right person happens by and we notice one another, it really is not a priority for me … yet!

    That “yet” comes from having my three children (22, 24 and 26) still living in the family home with me. The eldest with her boyfriend of 11 years. I also have an “adopted” daughter living with us although her stay is only temporary and sadly ends very soon, although I suspect she may return again in the not too distant future, perhaps with a partner? To be fair, the middle child is currently trialing living together with the girl who might be “the one”. From time to time they join us for dinners or game nights or just to watch a movie. I view my job at this stage, being to help my three kids save for their first houses. (“Offering a hand up as opposed to a hand out” as has become a popular slogan among politicians in my country.) I derive a lot of pleasure out of sharing my time with five very fine young men and women whom I am proud to call family.

    I wonder though if women feel a sense of freedom at a different stage in parenting or age (presumably of their youngest child) than a man does. (Is it when your child finishes high school, graduates university, gets that first job, moves out of the family house, gets married, has a child of their own?) I know that a parent is always bonded to their children and suspect that bond is maybe stronger for a mother than for a father, but at what stage do you reckon a single mother feels free of her parenting responsibility?

    My youngest is still at university and has chosen to take a marathon runner’s approach to completing what will be 8 years of study to culminate in his PhD. So I feel free of any responsibilities of children even though I know that I have some “power freeloaders” still living at home with me. They are not charged rent per-se but they do know that they must fend for themselves when it comes to personal supplies and that their “rent” is to shop for, prepare and serve one evening meal a week for the entire household. (Some weeks I have slackers for varying reasons but on balance they do what is expected of them – they are good house mates!) They are a pleasure to be around and not a burden even though I sometimes get ticked off when I feel one of them is not pulling their weight as they ought to.

    For me that sense of freedom came around about the time that my youngest explained his strategy for completing his undergraduate, masters, PhD course of study. He put my mind at ease that although his timetable is not the timetable I would have chosen at the same age it is what he is comfortable with and what he is confident about. I know that he will land on his feet even if he encounters a setback.

    So tell me, if you please, is there an age (say of your youngest child) when a mother feels truly free enough of the responsibilities of her children such that she can justify to herself some “me time” to perhaps find fun with a new partner? (or perhaps for those of you lucky enough to be still married to your best friend, then to rediscover fun with that existing partner?)

    Also, am I being naive to think that there are indeed some self-sufficient, confident divorcee’s “out there” who can honestly say that you don’t need a man but do want a particular man? … and whatever benefits the two of you might agree to include within that relationship?

    Reply
    • Liberty

      What a kind, noble Father you are! I’am a 51 young at “heart” women. I have a 22 year old son at Uof I and a daughter who is a senior in H.S. Still deciding on colleges.

      I devoted my life to my children, and have no regrets. It is time for me. With or without. Silence is “golden” just rediscovering who I’am and is meant to be in this stage of my life. I wish you peace and companionship she’s out there, and she be a “lucky” gal to find you!
      God speed

      Reply
    • Rose

      Well, I may not need a man to rescue me financially or help raise children, but I not only need a partner, I want a partner. What do I need? Hugs, physical touch, someone to touch in the night, it is a very lonely place without the very thing many of us divorced people took for granted. You cannot buy genuine intimacy, that must come from give and take. So yes, I have the career, the stability, the grown children, but I would be at my finest with a friend and lover beside me, a strong man.

      Reply
      • JESHURUM

        Well look no further sweet I’m YOUR MAN! I’ve been alone now for 4 years after being in a,very toxic and crazy 7 year relationship and it took me all this time to heal. Now I want to be your loving companion and friend and live with you in harmony, love, understanding, and just being there for you to hold you tight and embrace you on all your lonely nights!

        Reply
  5. 0rion

    Thanks for posting this, Linda. I’m a 51yo man, and I really can’t disagree with your assessment (though the strokes are quite broad). After divorce, some strange realizations are surely in store for both sexes. One is how much your dating pool has shrunk since you were last looking for love. Another is how poorly most Americans have been taking care of themselves. Unlike most (I think) people dating after 40, I set about educating myself thoroughly about how attraction is created in both sexes, so as to put my very best self forward. This gave me a stronger sense of self, a stronger sense of masculinity and how to express it, and a stronger sense of where women are coming from (and the cues they naturally give us). What continues to surprise me is what little effort is put forth in general by the age appropriate women, in all venues combined, to meet. An attractive woman in her 20s may sit coyly and bat her eyes, and merely select her choice of suitor from the ensuing male attention. That’s her MO, and none of us should begrudge it of her. But what are the 40s and 50s women thinking? I think a lot of them give it the old college try with the young-girl MO; it doesn’t work, and she gives up. She doesn’t go to the wine bar (it’s mainly 30-somethings); she seldom attends the singles events. And even more rarely does she reach out first online, or even scout men’s profiles (a nice equivalent for glancing his way at a party). In my experience, she is not putting herself out there. Perhaps her excuses have become self-fulfilling. But why should I give up? It could be that women in their 40s and 50s are lost in finding their role in this new age of dating. What do you think?

    Reply
  6. stats

    I don’t know where kitty got her stats and they seem a little too low to be realistic, but there are statistics that would strongly imply 50+ women would have a hard time finding someone especially if they have kept the same high standards they had when they were in there 20s. Just look up marriage statistics provided by the census. Once women hit 50 they outnumber men and it gets progressively worse each passing year. In the USA there are 20-25% more unmarried women than unmarried men in their 50s. At 60 that % increases to 100 ie. 2 women for every man. So if a women thinks sitting around waiting for prince charming is a good strategy, time is not your friend, so good luck with that!

    Reply
  7. Jojo

    I really feel this is too negative. As a 55 year old woman, it doesn’t correspond with my experience at all. I have kept in shape and work and looking good and being kind and interesting, positive not jaded. In the real world and online, I have men from mid 40s onward interested. Most are around my age. I haven found the right one yet, but I see a lot of similar ages people getting together (even though men and some women dream about getting someone much younger). Let’s not dwell on some negative statistics (which are informed by different things — some women don’t want partners, some women don’t get married but are in relationships, statistics become outdated by the time they are compiled), etc. And let’s remember, we have to have good qualities to offer men, too.

    Reply
  8. BENJAMIN JACK WOMACK

    I am 52 male and have two small children 6 and 3 I am widowed it’s very hard at my age to find a date of any kind . The dating pool is none existent when you have kids at my age any suggestions

    Reply
    • Jb

      You are to old to have kids that young anyway. Now that your fascination with your young thang is over. You’re looking for an older mature woman to help raise them. Screw that.. I don’t deal with men with young kids…especially grandpa figures.

      Reply
    • Ann Marie

      Try to meet women who also have young children. We are out here and looking for the same thing. Life stage is equally important as age. It gives you context and understanding of each other’s current challenges.

      Reply
    • Joanne

      There are many women that would love to get to know a man who is widowed with small children, including myself. I’ve never had children of my own, have always wanted them, so I would absolutely welcome a man’s children with all my heart.

      Reply
    • Mary

      Hang in there! You will find someone if you stay positive and take good care of yourself. It doesn’t matter that you have young kids…I know a dad in his fifties with two young daughters which he had custody of because the mother was sadly mentally ill. He is remarried to a lovely younger woman and their family has now grown to four children. I think the odds are in your favor but you have to stay positive, be a good companion and have a sense of humor. Be affectionate without being “needy” and you’ll find plenty of gals who will adore you! It is obvious you succeeded before and you will again…age is only a number.

      Reply
  9. Kayfabe

    What about early 40s, never been married and zero children, do not want children ever, and do not care whether or not I ever marry, or just have a years long relationship unmarried? Thats a category of people I know for women, myself included. Not everyone wants kids. Not all women get married either. I am perfectly happy as is.

    Reply
  10. Been there

    I’m not 50 yet and my kids have been out of home for some time having had them young, but I would never go out with an older man. You’re right about the older men chasing younger women, except we aren’t real competition because we don’t want them, they aren’t attractive to us physically, have nothing in common, don’t always have themselves together as you’d expect an older man to and any illussions about maturity and security quickly dissapear when you see he’s fetishised youth (not to mention the more complicated life factors and the control issues men who want younger often have). You want someone who cares about you, not who sees you as an accessory.

    Unfortunately it’s been my dating life story that men have seen me as just that, like they’re shoping, kicking the tyres, always looking for a better deal. Too young, too old, too fat, too thin, make to much money, don’t make enough, too “needy”, not needy enough. I have always been too much of one thing or not enough of it, lets face it men don’t know what they want, I’m not going to jump through hoops to be this weeks flavour of the month for a guy who has zero character.

    Men have never seen me as a human being and that’s why I’ve been single 20 years after divorcing my ex, no one cared enough to engage with me when I tried to connect, they were too busy assessing the outside packaging and cruching the what’s in it for them numbers. I’ve met very few good men.

    In my 20s they wanted sex, in my 30s they wanted babies (I’d already had a family and no one cared enough to get to know me before they threw “I want babies” on the table, it made me feel like a walking womb), in my 40s the kids are at it with the derogatory “older woman” thing and old men are making my skin crawl with their leering and whiplash rubbernecking when I walk down the street, while the men my age are busy having nervous breakdowns, going on ego rampages and lashing out, it’s like men have all suddenly gone nuts. Can we all finally agree men are fundamentally defective?

    I think this is the last of it for me, I’m exhausted, trying to keep up with what I’m supposed to be has worn me out and what’s the prize now? I get to babysit or play nursemaid to a noxious loudmouth drunk who can’t pay his own bills? Sounds like even more fun. After everything Ive done, succeeded at and been through thats my value? Paying to be a nanny. Any wonder the world is in such a mess. Thing is about the only thing that has changed about me since my 30s is my age, I look the same (and I was doing promo work, you don’t get those jobs unless you have a young look) but I’m suddenly not good enough for the dating scene idiots because of a number on my birth certificate?

    Looking around women are doing pretty well for themselves without the guys, and the guys are a train wreck. Does this mean it’s easier for men and they can take their pick? No it means even good men have to make compromises because so many of us girls have got jack of it all and taken ourselves off the market to focus on things that (unlike dating) are rewarding. The population numbers may favour the guys slightly but it doesn’t mean those women are available, especially if they have young children and have prioritized them (or from the other side of the fence as I’ve heard charming men say of single/divorced mothers “I’d f*** it, I wouldn’t marry it”) the actual pool of eligable women (who want to date and who men also apparently consider datable) is very small. It’s still men who blow up womens inboxes and chase because in spite of their cocky attitude they still have to.

    Age is only an issue in theory, at 50 the numbers are only slightly skewed in mens favour, considering advances in medicine, OH&S and the job equality when women now do dangerous jobs the men used to by the time todays 50yo is 80 that gap may not change all that much. Considering globalization, immigration, the rising 3rd world and how the favouring of boy babies in some cultures has left their population short of women it may even swing the other way for the following generatons. I already know women my age and older who have married well educated, attractive and well rounded Asian and Indian men and they are very happy. A few have married younger men as well with the same result, those men seem to try more to make a good relationship.

    It gets to a point where you’re doing your own thing and kicking goals only for guys to hover looking awkward and you think “remind me why do I need a man again?” I’m of the mindset unless someone shows me how much better my life would be with him in it or he blows my mind I really am better off without it.

    Reply
    • Jane

      Love your story here, you made me laugh so much and as a mother of two men turning 20 I just hope I’ve trained them better.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      To Been There:

      As I read your lengthy dissertation on how sorry men are – I couldn’t help but think – why are you so bitter? Apparently, you were the leavee and not the leaver in your marriage. I was also the leavee and did not want a divorce, nor believe that God would support the dissou lution of the marriage of 33 years that only he could have orchestrated from the beginning. I feel like you need to further examine your attitude moving forward. If not, you have a high probability of your life ending single and alone. Don’t kidd yourself, we were not put on this earth to be alone! Make no mistake about it. Your right about one thing though: There are not a lot of good men out there in the 50 plus population. Hell, i’m not even sure if I am “one” of them or not. I would like to think I can still find love again at any age. I’m 59, educated, and financially comfortable. Kids are grown and married, so I only have myself to take.care of for the first time since 18. Would you like to meet me? William

      Reply
      • shawna

        Well said. Divorce can leave either bitter(leavee/leavor).
        its a choice, life goes on IF you let it.
        im an independant woman(52) own my property take care of me, my kids are gone all but 1. Its still hard to find a country guy, not just a booty call.
        Im lookin for dailey companion for long term say 35 yrs plus.
        wish me luck.

        Reply
      • Been there

        William, don’t confuse bitterness with anger, men hitting on women young enough to be their daughter (and I am young enough to be yours) will encounter a lot of it, it’s unwelcome and irritating.

        Reply
    • Tarvest

      Sounds like they might be better off without you as well. Your cynicism is palpable.

      Reply
      • Been there

        If it’s the dirty old men who are always under my feet you’re refering to that works for me, they were the intended target of my anger, sounds like I hit the mark.

        Reply
    • Tara

      Damn, you are my mentor. I am still just in my 30s but hope I will be like you when I’m older… Recently passed my expiration date of 35 according to a certain subset of male douchebags… In a relationship right now but feel insecure thinking my guy is probably f***ing his early 20 something coworkers or other younger women in his circle… He talks about how they flirt with him and want him all the time. Thinking maybe I should just dump him. I may have more confidence single. Being with someone makes me feel insecure… I want to be free, confident, happy, and proud. Men make me feel the opposite of all these things… I don’t hate them, but I do hate how they make me feel bad about myself even when I bend over backward to be good to them… What the fuck is wrong with them?!

      Reply
      • Joanne

        When you meet the right one … YOU WILL KNOW! This came from my aunt who loved and adored her husband. She said there was no question, she just knew he was THE ONE. It’s good your questioning your relationship. Time will tell. Listen to your heart.

        Reply
      • Wake

        OK I think that will help to get a nice affront on this debate

        It’s always easy to play the men and women are bad, and of course they are

        Reply
    • Mary

      That was so funny and yet wise and true. The only way to find yourself in a “great” relationship is to love and look out for yourself first. If you do that, you’ll be happy with or without a partner.

      Reply
  11. Real Talk from Younger Woman

    To Been There:

    Your post is the best of all!! This is coming from a younger woman who accidently stumbled upon this site. All older men and “charming” men should realize that women in their 20s and 30s are not looking for them for long term partnering. Not even short term in most instances. A lot of older men do not have their stuff together as they should. Even the ones who have it together financially seems not to have anything else to offer other than that. I will pass on the older guy as he really, really needs to start looking at women his own age. There is nothing worse than a 50s, 60s, and 70s yo male chasing a woman in her 30s. No daddy issues on this end, guys from 30 to 45 only.

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  12. Jb

    I’m 50 yrs old almost 51 and have absolutely no problem attracting men. At one time I had no less than 15 male friends between ages of 44-56 in my phone. Some I met personally…some on dating site…others school mates. All very interested in having a serious relationship. Me being a gemini and freshly out of a 22 yr marriage is in no hurry for anything serious. The key ladies is having self confidence in yourself. Then again I look nowhere near 51…I look no older than 35. I’m fit…size 6. .shapely. .exercise and a pescatarian. Good genes runs in my family I guess. My 31 yr old daughter still get ID’s for lottery tickets and look 18. So ladies…like a gentleman told me. Never step out of the house without looking your best because you never know who you might meet. That doesn’t mean heels and a face full of makeup…I wear just a little bit of makeup. It means looking as SEXY and attractive as possible.

    Reply
    • Mike McCain

      This is such a wise posting.

      I’m a male in my mid 50’s. I dated attractive women a few years either side of my age. I found my wonderful gsl. I love her to pieces.

      As stated…I’m a male. We are attracted to fit, good looking females. That is a given. I really dont care about your successes in life, where you have travelled, etc. ‘if’ you dont fulfill this basic requirement. I have male friends…I don’t need a ‘friend’. I want and desire a ‘hot babe’ who is a ‘beep’ in bed. If she is my age and can reminisce about toys from the 1960’s…that’s a plus.

      Beyond this? Someone who has enthusiasm in life and has energy. Who says a 50 year old female can’t climb a tree and share a popsicle? This is what many males and female ‘don’t get’. I can sill climb that tree and my favorite wine flavour is ‘purple’…not Chardonnay. I like to crank the car stereo up and play 70’s music when zipping down the road to go for a hike…where, I expect a 50 year old woman can still keep up with me.

      I’m not 25 but neither of us is ‘dead’. I’m not immature because I have no desire to mow the grass on Saturday evening rather than go dancing at a club with very loud music. I very much will want to feel my partner’s boob when driving there. I expect that shewill get a bit of a thrill from it.

      I’m a responsible scientist. I spend a good chunk of my life being respondible. I’m financially responsible. Never smoked. Never tried drugs. Never been out of shape. However, I really want a relationship in which my partner is foremost my ‘girlfriend’ and she acts that way. She can be my wife, partner, etc. But she wants to hold hands, smooch in the movie theatre and never turns some opportunity because ‘its late and I have to get up in the morning’.

      Reply
      • Ariel

        I would like to meet you Mike McCain! How very well thought out, and presented. It’s not simply staying in ‘shape’ it’s being, and feeling, young enough to climb that tree or go running in the rain, falling to the ground together and letting go!! To remember though, not all people do that even in their twenties/thirties, but I did, and at 49, I still do it all; still move up, down, and sideways, without even thinking about it, still have oodles of spark and laughter, and FUN. Maybe we all get too serious as we get older? Not me, but that’s not on purpose, I have always been this way…

        Reply
  13. ShedatearcauseI'mmissingyou

    I am in my mid 40s and have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. I must be one of those rare men because I find women in their 50s mentally stimulating therefore attractive. Once I can end my marriage I most likely will not date a woman younger than in her late 40s. Older women, for the most part, have life experience and know what they want. The maturity they bring with them is what I seek. They compliment my desire to grow and be a wiser man than I was yesterday. They offer so much outside of the bedroom which makes the whole relationship to be built on more solid grounds. I am fit and attractive but I would never be fooled by the beauty without maturity which is something many young women lack. For the time being I just have to be patient until the time is right.

    Reply
  14. Mila

    Lots of interesting perspectives. I am 62 and separated. One shoe really does not fit all. After 8 months I am finally at the stage where I accept my life going forward is going to be vastly different. And that is it, just different not better not worse only different. It is totally up to me to live my life happily. Whether I will ever share my life again with someone is not really a concern of mine. If it happens fine, if not fine too. I was always independent and will continue to remain independent. I will start dating, whether it leads to a meaningful relationship or not doesn’t matter. Each new person I meet has something new to offer. I am not bitter, I feel for my ex-husband who now sports a tattoo. Kind of sad when you still have to find yourself over 60. Life has a lot to offer and I plan to take full advantage of it. Life is good, whether you are 30,40,50 or 60+ just adapt your outlook on life. But never ever become defeated or bitter. Here’s to life, live it!
    BTW – I am in shape and do consider myself attractive – but I do not think being attractive and in shape defines me 🙂

    Reply
  15. Michele

    What I am up against is this: I have a full, satisfying life as a single (divorced 5 years) woman, but I want a loving partnership with a significant other. I have had two relationships since my divorce which didn’t work out, just not men who were truly emotional available. I am having a hard time meeting men my age who are interested in women my age, as the author states. Unlike her, however, I am not fully happy in my life without a relationship and don’t know how to reconcile that. I am in therapy.

    Reply
    • Sophie19

      I agree that it seems to be much harder for women over 50 – or over 40 actually – to find men who are their equals AND who are interested in a serious relationship with them. I see so many woman over 40 who are smart, attractive, well-educated, successful, emotionally mature, financially solvent, and have great personalities, but who get involved with men who have few or none of these qualities, or who treat them terribly. It seems like these women feel that at least this is better than being alone.

      What puzzles me is that – given a surplus of smart, attractive, together women over 40 – why don’t more women get together with other women? It seems logical, and research has showed that a large percentage of women are bisexual to some degree. It may be a challenging adjustment after a lifetime of heterosexuality, but to me it seems worth it for women to be able to get a higher quality partner. There have been reports that there is indeed an increasing trend for women to switch to same-sex relationships in midlife, and I hope it continues to grow! It seems to me that this would solve most of the problem.

      Reply
  16. Old Man

    A’s a man in his mid 50’s dating a woman in her mid 30’s, I will tell you the reason.
    There years ago I became single, I had this woman around my age who was very keen to go out with me. I told her Ilike her but I have one rule, that is we split the bill on the first date. She quickly told me she expects a man to pay for her & threatened to find another man willing to pay. For the next few weeks she was still hinting she like me but she would not bend on her sexist issue of self entitlement. I told her if she don’t meet me half way, then she would be waiting a long time
    Next week I asked this girl out who was 20 years younger than me & I told her that I expect a woman to meet me half way on a date. She agreed & we split the bill. On the second daterm she asked me out & paid for me. On the third date I paid for her & on the 4th date we had hot sex.
    Three years later we are still together & I never had to put up with these sexist game’s the woman in her mid 50s came up with.
    I would never go out with an old woman again, they are to sexist.

    Reply
    • Mary

      Don’t paint older women with a broad brush. I’d be more than happy to pay my way and so would a lot of other older gals. Good luck with that young gal you found, enjoy it while it lasts.

      Reply
  17. Sue

    Mila, I love what you’ve said here!!

    “Life has a lot to offer and I plan to take full advantage of it. Life is good, whether you are 30,40,50 or 60+ just adapt your outlook on life. But never ever become defeated or bitter. Here’s to life, live it!
    BTW – I am in shape and do consider myself attractive – but I do not think being attractive and in shape defines me 🙂”

    I couldn’t agree more! You have to reach for the best in life for YOU! I may not be the best pic-ken’s out there as far as looks are concerned but..for my age I look OK and am told by men, women and of course, ..my old trusty mirror! but..even better than that I know I’ve something to offer even friends, a listening ear, companionship, and and a desire to have a bit of fun in life. Doesn’t have to take me anywhere at all, just a good time for awhile in this thing we call life! Kudos to all!!!

    Reply
  18. Jeff

    When women say “details of my divorce aren’t really important,” it means she cheated on her husband.

    Reply
    • Wake

      Jeff, no way of knowing that, she may just not want to share the details

      Reply
  19. Confirmed Bachelor

    I hope everyone finds who or what they seek. I’m 56, divorced 15 years, and my children are grown and married. I spent 18 really terrible years married to a real harpie. I was her second husband. Even my mother-in-law and brother-in-law apologized to me on a nearly continuous basis for the way she treated me. My attorney asked me how in the world I was able to hang in there until my children were old enough to decide who they wished to live with. I answered “PXB”. He asked what the hell that was, that he needed some. I said, “Paxil, Xanax and Bourbon. Lots of bourbon.”

    I dated (half-heartedly) for a few years. The oldest woman was 58, and the youngest 28. I’ve dated Vietnamese, Russian, British and Colombian women. An attorney, a banker, a respiratory therapist, computer programmer, graphic artist, dancers (not ballet). I was semi-engaged three separate times…and called it off. Why? Drama, stress and expense. Women, in my experience, want to run the relationship. Many men, like me, reach a point in their lives where they just don’t want to spend all their time arguing, negotiating and compromising. Of course, relationships require compromise at times, that goes without saying. But we don’t want someone who’s going to challenge us on everything. Nor do we want a Stepford Wife. I stopped dating 7 years ago, and I don’t miss it. I guess I value peace of mind and peace and quiet more than a piece of anything else. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but all I have to do is think about how married life was, and I suddenly feel pretty damn good!

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  20. doublej118

    What BS! I’m in my 50’s with a good job, I stay in shape and keep myself fit and find it impossible to meet woman!

    Reply
  21. AZ Native

    Well now…
    So I’m reciently divorced after twenty two years of marriage, I loved my wife and being married but unfortunately after our youngest son went off to collage, she decided that it was time for her to move on with her life without me… So now at 58 years old I find myself alone. I know that there is somone out there for me I just need to find her, I’m not bitter over the divorce and I am doing pretty well financially but I want somone to share my life with. I have no interest in younger women but it’s pretty hard to find women my age (where do you gals hide?) so just let you know their are gentlemen out here looking for you!

    Reply
  22. Anonymous

    What a great thread. Here’s one for you:

    I just turned 50 this week (gulp). I’ve never been married and have no kids (I’ll give you a minute to process all your judgements:) By choice, I have not been dating now for 3-4 years (take another minute). Just got busy as well as tired of it all like many of you. Now, at 50, I want to get back on the horse and try again but am fully aware that a man who has never been married and has no kids probably gives me about a .0001% percent chance of success, right. I get it.

    I am extrememly fit, active, and my friends all say that I am a really good man. I’m financially stable, am a one woman man, and have no skeletons in my closet. I’m obviously far from perfect as well. I’ve traveled much of the world and have had some amazing experiences. I am honestly NOT attracted to younger women (below 40), and would love to meet a woman with/without kids as I am great with them. (btw, science has proven that the optimal age difference in couples for longevity is 9 years. Look it up, don’t take my word for it). I don’t have kids because I was too busy traveling the world while I was younger, smart enough to not just ‘knock up’ anyone, and well, time just literally got away from me. I have dated many wonderful women in my life that wanted to settle down with me but frankly, I was too stupid. Now, I am 50 and ‘reality check’: the world has changed and doesn’t care anymore. Communication between people has gone to sh&t due to technology, online dating(inorganic) has somehow become the new normal, and genders are jumping ship because ‘swiping’ one direction or the other is a lot easier then actually ‘working’ towards anything anymore…..or so it all seems. Complimenting someone on how they look is now offensive, striking up a conversation with someone in public is unheard of, and my favorite….opening a door for a lady can be seen as…wait for it…sexist.

    Wow, we have actually let all this happen to us. We should all be ashamed. (Oh, and I’m a liberal too!(knew some of you would get a kick out of that:))

    I want a relationship, period. I want to meet a woman and have the last first kiss I’ll ever have. I don’t want to die alone and I’ll never be so naive to champion independence over the biological need to connect. I believe a lot of people have a hard wake up call coming in their later lives! I had to go years of being single focusing on other things to realize this.

    Ladies, there are a LOT of good men out there and everything they say is not wrong. Gentlemen, there are a LOT of great women out there who are not man haters. But doesn’t it seem like we are all just getting in our own way! Seriously! Hasn’t our culture just made it normal with taking (biology in this case) and making it as difficult as it can be? Isn’t that the new American way…If I say the sky is blue, you say no it is not. Am I wrong? Expectations have become impossible for anyone to live up to. An easier way is obviously just a swipe away, right!? It seems no matter what a man or woman says or does, it’s wrong. Yes, biology is biology, and the more we fight it with all the upending of ‘everything’, we are all just going to keep running away from each other. Since all this chaos started only about 15 years or so ago(technology), I can’t wait to read all the research in the future showing epidemic levels of suicide and depression in this country. Oh wait, its already there:)
    If we all just (and I realize how silly this is to say as I type it) get back to respecting each other and appreciating what each gender has to offer, we might have a chance at NOT becoming the most disconnected culture on earth.

    That said, I’m not giving up as I get back on this horse. I’ll find her and she’ll find me.

    I leave you with this: Think of the times you felt that utter sense of pure giddiness and joy….was it after your 197th Yoga class? Was it after you bought that super cool sportscar? Or maybe it was when you finally got your degree at 47? I’m gonna guess that if you are able to be really honest with yourself, few things in life made you feel the way you did when you met someone new(at any age) and there was true chemestry between the two of you. That, my frustrated friends, is how you know that anything less then love is just an excuse:)

    But, what do I know:)) Happy hunting:)

    Reply
    • Debbie

      Anonymous……great post. It gives me hope.

      I too just turned 50. No kids. I would love a relationship again. I went through a painful divorce 7 yrs ago I did not want after a 19 yr relationship. I then met a nice man who passed away after only two yrs together. It has been 5 yrs since I’ve been with someone and I really miss the companionship.

      I’ve had terrible luck with online dating. No responses from the men I was interested in, lies on profiles, engaged men still with active profiles, etc. Most want someone younger and who have a fat bank account. That route is not for me.

      I’m attractive and height/weight proportionate, look 10 yrs younger than my age, down to earth, intelligent, funny, affectionate, and loyal. I don’t judge what someone does for a living or what type of car they drive. I just want a kind man to share my life with, someone who makes me laugh, and someone who is attentive and not afraid to be chivalrous for the hopeless romantic “me”.

      It has not been easy, but reading your post and those of the other men in their 50’s who just want the real deal without all the BS has given me hope that there are still men out there who want someone like me in their life without all the games. And who don’t mind that I am their age!

      Thank you for posting!

      Reply

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