I am a newly divorced woman in her early fifties. The details of my divorce aren’t really important. We got married, we had kids, we grew apart. We have been divorced for 2 years and although it saddens me that my family has been broken apart, I am happy that my ex and I have have managed to be civil enough to make it okay for the kids.

What I find most interesting at this point is the whole dating scene. There is such a difference between what is available for men and woman. Here is what I have found:

For single men the options are plentiful. We have all heard about how easy it is for a man to start dating in his fifties and how there are plenty of women to choose from.

And there is. …

It seems that the breakdown of available women fall into the following categories:

1. Early 30’s and never been married – these women must have “daddy issues”. Their desire to be with men 15-20 years their senior means they are looking for someone to take care of them both financially and personally. Be cautious men, these women are looking for you to do it all over again and that means house and children. Sure it will start with great sex and they will make you feel “alive” and young but proceed with caution. When they tell you that they don’t want these things they are lying!

2. Early 40’s with small children – although these women are closer to your age (not really) they are at a completely different stage. They are raising small kids and are looking for someone to be a partner. Yes they do want you to help raise their kids and do it all over again. They may say they don’t but they too are lying. If you have money, well that just makes you more attractive.

3. Women in their 50’s – these women are your age and there are many available in this group. (yes I do fall into this category) Chances are good that these women have older kids who are well on their way and don’t really want your input on their children. They know who they are and why their marriage failed and are looking for pure companionship. They probably won’t be in “awe” of you and hang on your every word. They won’t be interested in pumping your ego or making you feel young. Rather they will be someone who will have realistic expectations of you and be accepting of who you are at this time of your life. They will want to grow old with you and have an age appropriate relationship with you.

From my experience there are few men who are looking to date their contemporaries. The thrill and excitement of a younger woman is so compelling. Those rare gems who value women with age and experience are just that – rare!

So I will wait and not settle.  I am confident that my soul mate is out there.  Someone who will appreciate what my age and wisdom brings to the partnership.  I am happier than I have ever been and what I truly have learned is that I don’t need a man to make me complete.

 

Linda, 53

105 Responses to “Dating in your 50’s – Easy for Men… Not so much for Women!”

  1. kitty

    Feeling good about yourself is really the most important thing, because you are probably going to be alone if you find yourself alone at 50. The stats are frightening – 12% of single women 50-60 find sexual partners – it goes down to 4% at 60. We can all be positive and optimistic , but psychologists suggest practicing alternative forms of sexuality and some openly advocate partner sharing.
    Finding a non-sexual partner seems to be less of a problem, a lot of nice men suffer from erectile dis-function and might welcome an older partner.
    The most important ties to make after 50 if you are alone, are meaningful friendships. These need to be nurtured because chances are there will not be a partner to usher you into old age, and community is probably the most important aspect of successful aging.

    Reply
      • BillyG

        seeking a man around your age with fully functioning physical & mental faculties not asking for too much, 50s yo woman wants 100% sex with guys will have to seek a younger guy who may pump & dump with better than even odds

        Reply
    • Bob

      “The details of my divorce aren’t really important”

      But they really are.

      You don’t need to look for the answer elsewere.

      Reply
    • Greg Stewart

      So we’ll put lady…thanks. .. as a man in my late fifties divorced for 2 1/2 years from a 30+ year marriage to a serial cheater, Bi- Polar, Somatic Narcissist…. I did not date through separation, the divorce process or after divorce…. Just started putting myself out there so to speak in the past year…with many meet/ greet dates, only two led to a second date…first was a separated 49 year lady that led to 5 dates where I was a satisfying rebound, we are still distant friends….the second an attractive drug dealer (kidding, a Pharmacist 😉) mid 50’s …we fell for each other, having many wonderful times and experiences..in her break up letter stating she was attracted to my handsome first impression, my sensual nature, most fun outgoing gentleman, and best lover in bed she had ever experienced. . yet again I was a rebound as her divorce was not complete and she went back to prior 6 month boyfriend, that offered a better financial nest…I’m a hopeless romantic and my heart was broken again… It’s not as easy as women think being a single late 50’s 6’4″ trim/fit, mentally healthy, attractive, sexually​ fit male…. Greg Stewart, Concord, Ca. LinkedIn, Google+, Twitter
      Just sayin’ it’s not easy out there…

      Reply
      • Amber Joy

        Hi Greg….Kudos to you for even attempting to date women closer to your age. I’d say that most men your age actually prefer women 20 years younger, so it’s refreshing to know that there’s still a “few” of you out there who doesn’t base your interest in women solely on their age.

        Reply
      • Sue Murphy

        Greg, Your story could have been mine, except I am female, and I have been divorced 15 years. The stories have replayed over the years, and I have come to question if I am ever to find a partner to grow old with, as it seems that I am already doing that! Lol! I just really want someone to wake up with, share the days events, not that we have to do everything together; we don’t. But for a marriage that ended in tears, it had many good years that unfortunately could not be salvaged. I still believe in marriage and believe that men and women are meant to live in harmonious relationships. I have had more poor experiences than good with dating sites, and I seem to be a failure when it comes to meeting my “other half” in what I would call traditional manners. I wouldn’t go back to a bad marriage for all the tea in China, yet at the same time, I wouldn’t wish the late fifties dating scene on my worst enemy. Best of luck to you on finding someone with whom to share your life!

        Reply
      • Brig

        As a woman in her mid-fifties and who often gets mistaken for at least 10 years younger, I’m astonished at how many men in my social circle see me as just a friend and consistently chase women in their 30s only to be re-buffed time and time again and not learn or look at older women more ‘age appropriate’. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, my kids are late teens, I’m more self-assured having licked my wounds a few after a couple of abusive partners, yet I still am only friend material to the guys I find attractive. I often wonder where I’m going wrong. I have a great social life, I do many physical hobbies, I have a job, I drive, I’m adventurous, I’ve been told I’m good looking and interesting…so I’m puzzled as to why the dating arena is proving so tough. I seem to attract the kind of guy that likes my free-spiritedness yet are often the types to start clipping my wings as soon as my attention is elsewhere. I never ever thought ageism would be an issue, I thought it was an imagined thing. I still believe, however, in my weird optimism that out there is someone for me…someone at a similar age who can appreciate me and whom I can appreciate. In the meantime, I’m out there living my life to the fullest I’ve ever lived. Thanks Linda for this article. Brilliant and I can relate so much to you.

        Reply
        • RP

          you are not doing anything wrong. its just biology. men are attracted to youth and beauty in women like women are attracted to status and resources in men. Women when they get older start to lose what men are attracted to. If men are not physically attracted to you then they will not pursue you.

          Reply
      • Anonymous

        try not being 6 4′ and financially just doing ok. im getting tired of being an “also interviewed”

        Reply
        • Carl

          Turn it around and interview them . Your the man it is your job to interview not the irrational women .

          Reply
      • Debbie

        Greg……I don’t think it’s easy for anyone in their 50’s looking for love again. We just can’t give up. Too bad you and I live on opposite coasts!

        Reply
      • Sarah

        The problem with men is they look for beauty on the outside. My outside isn’t the greatest but inside i’m very beautiful. Maybe if more men would look there non of us would be alone in our 50s. I’m tired of being alone because men are supperficial

        Reply
    • dave

      you dont speak for everyone, men or women and if you did what a terrible world it would be

      i find most women online judge by looks first or so it seems…do you like that comment?

      Reply
      • Dave M

        To Dave from Dave
        I agree, I tried my luck at 2 dating sites for about six months, and not even a wink or a smile. Women do seem to make more of the mans looks rather than anything else. I got divorced over 20 years ago and after many attempts at dating feel that at 52 I just can’t be bothered anymore. I have much better things to do with my time than waste it with little chance of success.

        Reply
        • Bob

          Even if you found a woman believe me after a while you would not live up to her expectations. We are in an anti male , women are the victims of men period in history . Stay single keep your money and rent sex if you need it that bad. Even pre nups don’t hold up in court , she will own you.

          Reply
        • Sophie 3

          Hi Dave My name is Sophie 3. I have been were you are. It would be nice to meet someone who is honest, looking for someone their age not 20 years younger. I am in my 50’s but young @ heart. I usually start my profile letting men my age know I am disabled with MS. Does not stop me from living, things just take longer. I still am very much still part of the 60’s and 70’s. Especially music wise. My favorite is the Blues and always rock and roll. My life did a 180 I like to say but as I have been told I have lived all ready for 3 people. Things have changed for me but I am still going to live just not enough for 3. I’m very lucky I lived my life large now it’s time just to live and enjoy the company of a man with similar likes. Not much of a TV person but I keep watching MASH. Looking for that one episode I have not seen yet ( I don’t there is one but I love it just the same. I am in the Boston area. Maybe drop me a line if you’like. Maybe a bit of a chat…..and go from there. Sophie 3

          Reply
    • John

      i don’t buy that at all. You can meet someone at any age. I know lots of women over 50 who’ve started and kept proper relationships

      Reply
      • Jenny

        Yes. I think that women Kitty is a jackass. If you are looking, you will find someone. These are negative stereotypes and utter bull.

        Reply
      • Sophie 3

        John, you are so right.Be open to your likes as well as the person in your life and above all be honest. Sophie3

        Reply
    • JC

      Life is definitely easier for women! It is insane to think otherwise.
      Consider a few facts:
      1. Women have the ability to go out an any given night and be outnumbered 3 to 1 by men.
      2. Men are looking for someone to just acknowledge them.
      3. Women file for divorce over 80% of the time.
      4. Does anyone really believe that men are not the most docile people in the ordinary family. Consider the body differences (ovulation and PMS) and just consider how often women are friends with other women. Men have friends from childhood. Women rule the world and it is not pretty behind closed doors.

      Reply
    • A Man

      “Women in their 50’s:… They know who they are and why their marriage failed and are looking for pure companionship”. I wonder about this statement; ‘companionship’ does not convey sexual-loving-relationship. Case in point why men are looking for younger women. I say this as a sexually active man in his 50’s.

      Reply
      • Debbie

        In response to “A Man”…….at age 50 when I say I miss the companionship of a man, I mean I miss everything about the relationship with a man. That means emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical. I have nothing against sex and I feel it is an important part of a successful loving relationship.

        Reply
  2. Sara

    I am your age and younger men than me are being attracted to me. Initially when I became single again I gave those men attention, after few dates I found them extremely boring.

    Since I had these bad experiences I don’t waste time on men. I simply ignore the attention they give me. Since my separation I had many accomplishments at work and i rebuild my social life as a single woman with many friends.

    Some nights I wish I had a great partner but I am not willing to waste my time looking for him.

    I am very happy being single. I know I will continue to have great accomplishments with or without a man in my life.

    When I think of all the things that I want to do, I left with no time for a man.

    I have a son who I have great relationship with. We reads books together and we are interested in the same issues. He gives me great support for all my work accomplishments.

    When he will leave the nest I probably will feel lonely, but I will not waste my time looking for a man, because the selection is…..

    So don’t feel bad for not finding the one, the selection is very poor. You have to remember that this time what you are looking for is not clear. The first time you wanted husband house and kids. The second time the wants are not that clear and therefore more difficult to find. Also you have to remember that we live in a disposable society if something is not quite right about someone we simply dump him. That makes it more difficult to get to know people.

    Don’t give up one day out of the blue when you are least expecting you will meat him. The question will be if you will do something about him or simply let him go.

    Reply
    • jim

      sara, you sound angry and the time you push it off are lost opportunities, understanding yourself and desires is what you figure out dating. he will see your too independent and feel he is just another one of your accomplishments if you find that person.

      Reply
  3. Anonymous

    At fifty six and single with kids a decade….each year the pool gets uglier and fatter…..lol! WASTE OF TIME.

    Reply
    • Jeff5555jeff

      I’m a genuine person. I’m 56 and I was an iron worker for 30 years. Utah of those I was a steel contractor. I’m honest, and have integrity.

      Reply
      • Debbie

        Jeff…….Honesty and integrity are so important. I hope you find someone who appreciates you.

        Reply
  4. najevi

    Your perspective was a refreshing one to read. I am also 53 and not quite 7 years divorced.

    You might count me among the “rare” ones because I have no interest in younger women, but for me it is less about a woman’s age and more about whether or not she has discovered that she doesn’t need me! And by “me” , yes, I mean “us men.” You see, for me I’d much rather be wanted than needed! And I suspect that women feel the same way but am not sure so I am asking here.

    But here’s the ironic thing. I also feel great about being single and whilst I reserve the right to change my mind and be “swept off my feet” if the right person happens by and we notice one another, it really is not a priority for me … yet!

    That “yet” comes from having my three children (22, 24 and 26) still living in the family home with me. The eldest with her boyfriend of 11 years. I also have an “adopted” daughter living with us although her stay is only temporary and sadly ends very soon, although I suspect she may return again in the not too distant future, perhaps with a partner? To be fair, the middle child is currently trialing living together with the girl who might be “the one”. From time to time they join us for dinners or game nights or just to watch a movie. I view my job at this stage, being to help my three kids save for their first houses. (“Offering a hand up as opposed to a hand out” as has become a popular slogan among politicians in my country.) I derive a lot of pleasure out of sharing my time with five very fine young men and women whom I am proud to call family.

    I wonder though if women feel a sense of freedom at a different stage in parenting or age (presumably of their youngest child) than a man does. (Is it when your child finishes high school, graduates university, gets that first job, moves out of the family house, gets married, has a child of their own?) I know that a parent is always bonded to their children and suspect that bond is maybe stronger for a mother than for a father, but at what stage do you reckon a single mother feels free of her parenting responsibility?

    My youngest is still at university and has chosen to take a marathon runner’s approach to completing what will be 8 years of study to culminate in his PhD. So I feel free of any responsibilities of children even though I know that I have some “power freeloaders” still living at home with me. They are not charged rent per-se but they do know that they must fend for themselves when it comes to personal supplies and that their “rent” is to shop for, prepare and serve one evening meal a week for the entire household. (Some weeks I have slackers for varying reasons but on balance they do what is expected of them – they are good house mates!) They are a pleasure to be around and not a burden even though I sometimes get ticked off when I feel one of them is not pulling their weight as they ought to.

    For me that sense of freedom came around about the time that my youngest explained his strategy for completing his undergraduate, masters, PhD course of study. He put my mind at ease that although his timetable is not the timetable I would have chosen at the same age it is what he is comfortable with and what he is confident about. I know that he will land on his feet even if he encounters a setback.

    So tell me, if you please, is there an age (say of your youngest child) when a mother feels truly free enough of the responsibilities of her children such that she can justify to herself some “me time” to perhaps find fun with a new partner? (or perhaps for those of you lucky enough to be still married to your best friend, then to rediscover fun with that existing partner?)

    Also, am I being naive to think that there are indeed some self-sufficient, confident divorcee’s “out there” who can honestly say that you don’t need a man but do want a particular man? … and whatever benefits the two of you might agree to include within that relationship?

    Reply
    • Liberty

      What a kind, noble Father you are! I’am a 51 young at “heart” women. I have a 22 year old son at Uof I and a daughter who is a senior in H.S. Still deciding on colleges.

      I devoted my life to my children, and have no regrets. It is time for me. With or without. Silence is “golden” just rediscovering who I’am and is meant to be in this stage of my life. I wish you peace and companionship she’s out there, and she be a “lucky” gal to find you!
      God speed

      Reply
    • Rose

      Well, I may not need a man to rescue me financially or help raise children, but I not only need a partner, I want a partner. What do I need? Hugs, physical touch, someone to touch in the night, it is a very lonely place without the very thing many of us divorced people took for granted. You cannot buy genuine intimacy, that must come from give and take. So yes, I have the career, the stability, the grown children, but I would be at my finest with a friend and lover beside me, a strong man.

      Reply
      • JESHURUM

        Well look no further sweet I’m YOUR MAN! I’ve been alone now for 4 years after being in a,very toxic and crazy 7 year relationship and it took me all this time to heal. Now I want to be your loving companion and friend and live with you in harmony, love, understanding, and just being there for you to hold you tight and embrace you on all your lonely nights!

        Reply
    • JH

      I am in my 50’s, WAS married to the LOVE OF MY LIFE…….I don’t understand this “I want to be wanted, not needed” thought process…..I have ALWAYS been independent (from a young age)…I WAS a planner…..my Plans were to work until I was around 30 and then get married…..I had NEVER “been in love”…..I graduated at 17, met my husband….fell hard….was married for 30 plus years…..marriage is give and take….but when he told me he wanted me plus his girlfriend-UM NOOO…. I don’t know what women you mean….when u say: at what age, stage, whatever a woman feels like she can have ME time again……once my daughter got her DL…..I continued to do (what I call all of the mom things and loved doing those things……watching her cheer….we were, I call it lucky that my daughter and her boyfriend (s) liked to do things with us…..spending time at the lake, vacationing, but my husband and I throughout our marriage had our “weekend romantic getaways “…..when she graduated and started college…..we traveled……she wasn’t raised to be a “needy person “…..as for the ladies in their 50’s who say men in there 50’s don’t want them the same way….. I have started wearing a wedding ring again and I, too have been mistaken to be in my 40’s….lately I have said I am in my 60’s!….lol…… I rescued a dog and if u don’t know how to do something, take classes….AM HONESTLY CURIOUS WHY A WOMAN WOULD NEED A MAN…..seriously, please reply…..that is the First time I have heard that???

      Reply
    • Jack

      You’re one of those parents who can’t kick the young birds out of the nest. They’re spending their salaries on toys while you pay the bills. I assure you they’re not “saving money to one day get their own place.”
      You even let them shack up with their boyfriends on your dime. Pathetic. You’re doing them no favors.

      Reply
  5. 0rion

    Thanks for posting this, Linda. I’m a 51yo man, and I really can’t disagree with your assessment (though the strokes are quite broad). After divorce, some strange realizations are surely in store for both sexes. One is how much your dating pool has shrunk since you were last looking for love. Another is how poorly most Americans have been taking care of themselves. Unlike most (I think) people dating after 40, I set about educating myself thoroughly about how attraction is created in both sexes, so as to put my very best self forward. This gave me a stronger sense of self, a stronger sense of masculinity and how to express it, and a stronger sense of where women are coming from (and the cues they naturally give us). What continues to surprise me is what little effort is put forth in general by the age appropriate women, in all venues combined, to meet. An attractive woman in her 20s may sit coyly and bat her eyes, and merely select her choice of suitor from the ensuing male attention. That’s her MO, and none of us should begrudge it of her. But what are the 40s and 50s women thinking? I think a lot of them give it the old college try with the young-girl MO; it doesn’t work, and she gives up. She doesn’t go to the wine bar (it’s mainly 30-somethings); she seldom attends the singles events. And even more rarely does she reach out first online, or even scout men’s profiles (a nice equivalent for glancing his way at a party). In my experience, she is not putting herself out there. Perhaps her excuses have become self-fulfilling. But why should I give up? It could be that women in their 40s and 50s are lost in finding their role in this new age of dating. What do you think?

    Reply
  6. stats

    I don’t know where kitty got her stats and they seem a little too low to be realistic, but there are statistics that would strongly imply 50+ women would have a hard time finding someone especially if they have kept the same high standards they had when they were in there 20s. Just look up marriage statistics provided by the census. Once women hit 50 they outnumber men and it gets progressively worse each passing year. In the USA there are 20-25% more unmarried women than unmarried men in their 50s. At 60 that % increases to 100 ie. 2 women for every man. So if a women thinks sitting around waiting for prince charming is a good strategy, time is not your friend, so good luck with that!

    Reply
  7. Jojo

    I really feel this is too negative. As a 55 year old woman, it doesn’t correspond with my experience at all. I have kept in shape and work and looking good and being kind and interesting, positive not jaded. In the real world and online, I have men from mid 40s onward interested. Most are around my age. I haven found the right one yet, but I see a lot of similar ages people getting together (even though men and some women dream about getting someone much younger). Let’s not dwell on some negative statistics (which are informed by different things — some women don’t want partners, some women don’t get married but are in relationships, statistics become outdated by the time they are compiled), etc. And let’s remember, we have to have good qualities to offer men, too.

    Reply
  8. BENJAMIN JACK WOMACK

    I am 52 male and have two small children 6 and 3 I am widowed it’s very hard at my age to find a date of any kind . The dating pool is none existent when you have kids at my age any suggestions

    Reply
    • Jb

      You are to old to have kids that young anyway. Now that your fascination with your young thang is over. You’re looking for an older mature woman to help raise them. Screw that.. I don’t deal with men with young kids…especially grandpa figures.

      Reply
    • Ann Marie

      Try to meet women who also have young children. We are out here and looking for the same thing. Life stage is equally important as age. It gives you context and understanding of each other’s current challenges.

      Reply
    • Joanne

      There are many women that would love to get to know a man who is widowed with small children, including myself. I’ve never had children of my own, have always wanted them, so I would absolutely welcome a man’s children with all my heart.

      Reply
    • Mary

      Hang in there! You will find someone if you stay positive and take good care of yourself. It doesn’t matter that you have young kids…I know a dad in his fifties with two young daughters which he had custody of because the mother was sadly mentally ill. He is remarried to a lovely younger woman and their family has now grown to four children. I think the odds are in your favor but you have to stay positive, be a good companion and have a sense of humor. Be affectionate without being “needy” and you’ll find plenty of gals who will adore you! It is obvious you succeeded before and you will again…age is only a number.

      Reply
  9. Kayfabe

    What about early 40s, never been married and zero children, do not want children ever, and do not care whether or not I ever marry, or just have a years long relationship unmarried? Thats a category of people I know for women, myself included. Not everyone wants kids. Not all women get married either. I am perfectly happy as is.

    Reply
  10. Been there

    I’m not 50 yet and my kids have been out of home for some time having had them young, but I would never go out with an older man. You’re right about the older men chasing younger women, except we aren’t real competition because we don’t want them, they aren’t attractive to us physically, have nothing in common, don’t always have themselves together as you’d expect an older man to and any illussions about maturity and security quickly dissapear when you see he’s fetishised youth (not to mention the more complicated life factors and the control issues men who want younger often have). You want someone who cares about you, not who sees you as an accessory.

    Unfortunately it’s been my dating life story that men have seen me as just that, like they’re shoping, kicking the tyres, always looking for a better deal. Too young, too old, too fat, too thin, make to much money, don’t make enough, too “needy”, not needy enough. I have always been too much of one thing or not enough of it, lets face it men don’t know what they want, I’m not going to jump through hoops to be this weeks flavour of the month for a guy who has zero character.

    Men have never seen me as a human being and that’s why I’ve been single 20 years after divorcing my ex, no one cared enough to engage with me when I tried to connect, they were too busy assessing the outside packaging and cruching the what’s in it for them numbers. I’ve met very few good men.

    In my 20s they wanted sex, in my 30s they wanted babies (I’d already had a family and no one cared enough to get to know me before they threw “I want babies” on the table, it made me feel like a walking womb), in my 40s the kids are at it with the derogatory “older woman” thing and old men are making my skin crawl with their leering and whiplash rubbernecking when I walk down the street, while the men my age are busy having nervous breakdowns, going on ego rampages and lashing out, it’s like men have all suddenly gone nuts. Can we all finally agree men are fundamentally defective?

    I think this is the last of it for me, I’m exhausted, trying to keep up with what I’m supposed to be has worn me out and what’s the prize now? I get to babysit or play nursemaid to a noxious loudmouth drunk who can’t pay his own bills? Sounds like even more fun. After everything Ive done, succeeded at and been through thats my value? Paying to be a nanny. Any wonder the world is in such a mess. Thing is about the only thing that has changed about me since my 30s is my age, I look the same (and I was doing promo work, you don’t get those jobs unless you have a young look) but I’m suddenly not good enough for the dating scene idiots because of a number on my birth certificate?

    Looking around women are doing pretty well for themselves without the guys, and the guys are a train wreck. Does this mean it’s easier for men and they can take their pick? No it means even good men have to make compromises because so many of us girls have got jack of it all and taken ourselves off the market to focus on things that (unlike dating) are rewarding. The population numbers may favour the guys slightly but it doesn’t mean those women are available, especially if they have young children and have prioritized them (or from the other side of the fence as I’ve heard charming men say of single/divorced mothers “I’d f*** it, I wouldn’t marry it”) the actual pool of eligable women (who want to date and who men also apparently consider datable) is very small. It’s still men who blow up womens inboxes and chase because in spite of their cocky attitude they still have to.

    Age is only an issue in theory, at 50 the numbers are only slightly skewed in mens favour, considering advances in medicine, OH&S and the job equality when women now do dangerous jobs the men used to by the time todays 50yo is 80 that gap may not change all that much. Considering globalization, immigration, the rising 3rd world and how the favouring of boy babies in some cultures has left their population short of women it may even swing the other way for the following generatons. I already know women my age and older who have married well educated, attractive and well rounded Asian and Indian men and they are very happy. A few have married younger men as well with the same result, those men seem to try more to make a good relationship.

    It gets to a point where you’re doing your own thing and kicking goals only for guys to hover looking awkward and you think “remind me why do I need a man again?” I’m of the mindset unless someone shows me how much better my life would be with him in it or he blows my mind I really am better off without it.

    Reply
    • Jane

      Love your story here, you made me laugh so much and as a mother of two men turning 20 I just hope I’ve trained them better.

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      To Been There:

      As I read your lengthy dissertation on how sorry men are – I couldn’t help but think – why are you so bitter? Apparently, you were the leavee and not the leaver in your marriage. I was also the leavee and did not want a divorce, nor believe that God would support the dissou lution of the marriage of 33 years that only he could have orchestrated from the beginning. I feel like you need to further examine your attitude moving forward. If not, you have a high probability of your life ending single and alone. Don’t kidd yourself, we were not put on this earth to be alone! Make no mistake about it. Your right about one thing though: There are not a lot of good men out there in the 50 plus population. Hell, i’m not even sure if I am “one” of them or not. I would like to think I can still find love again at any age. I’m 59, educated, and financially comfortable. Kids are grown and married, so I only have myself to take.care of for the first time since 18. Would you like to meet me? William

      Reply
      • shawna

        Well said. Divorce can leave either bitter(leavee/leavor).
        its a choice, life goes on IF you let it.
        im an independant woman(52) own my property take care of me, my kids are gone all but 1. Its still hard to find a country guy, not just a booty call.
        Im lookin for dailey companion for long term say 35 yrs plus.
        wish me luck.

        Reply
      • Been there

        William, don’t confuse bitterness with anger, men hitting on women young enough to be their daughter (and I am young enough to be yours) will encounter a lot of it, it’s unwelcome and irritating.

        Reply
    • Tarvest

      Sounds like they might be better off without you as well. Your cynicism is palpable.

      Reply
      • Been there

        If it’s the dirty old men who are always under my feet you’re refering to that works for me, they were the intended target of my anger, sounds like I hit the mark.

        Reply
    • Tara

      Damn, you are my mentor. I am still just in my 30s but hope I will be like you when I’m older… Recently passed my expiration date of 35 according to a certain subset of male douchebags… In a relationship right now but feel insecure thinking my guy is probably f***ing his early 20 something coworkers or other younger women in his circle… He talks about how they flirt with him and want him all the time. Thinking maybe I should just dump him. I may have more confidence single. Being with someone makes me feel insecure… I want to be free, confident, happy, and proud. Men make me feel the opposite of all these things… I don’t hate them, but I do hate how they make me feel bad about myself even when I bend over backward to be good to them… What the fuck is wrong with them?!

      Reply
      • Joanne

        When you meet the right one … YOU WILL KNOW! This came from my aunt who loved and adored her husband. She said there was no question, she just knew he was THE ONE. It’s good your questioning your relationship. Time will tell. Listen to your heart.

        Reply
      • Wake

        OK I think that will help to get a nice affront on this debate

        It’s always easy to play the men and women are bad, and of course they are

        Reply
    • Mary

      That was so funny and yet wise and true. The only way to find yourself in a “great” relationship is to love and look out for yourself first. If you do that, you’ll be happy with or without a partner.

      Reply
    • Tony M

      It’s over for you, you’re too damaged, not too old. You must have grown up in West Virginia? Where the men are men and the sheep are nervous. Sorry about your luck. You’re to thoughtful, intelligent to get so stuck. We are pigs, oink, oink.

      Reply
  11. Real Talk from Younger Woman

    To Been There:

    Your post is the best of all!! This is coming from a younger woman who accidently stumbled upon this site. All older men and “charming” men should realize that women in their 20s and 30s are not looking for them for long term partnering. Not even short term in most instances. A lot of older men do not have their stuff together as they should. Even the ones who have it together financially seems not to have anything else to offer other than that. I will pass on the older guy as he really, really needs to start looking at women his own age. There is nothing worse than a 50s, 60s, and 70s yo male chasing a woman in her 30s. No daddy issues on this end, guys from 30 to 45 only.

    Reply
  12. Jb

    I’m 50 yrs old almost 51 and have absolutely no problem attracting men. At one time I had no less than 15 male friends between ages of 44-56 in my phone. Some I met personally…some on dating site…others school mates. All very interested in having a serious relationship. Me being a gemini and freshly out of a 22 yr marriage is in no hurry for anything serious. The key ladies is having self confidence in yourself. Then again I look nowhere near 51…I look no older than 35. I’m fit…size 6. .shapely. .exercise and a pescatarian. Good genes runs in my family I guess. My 31 yr old daughter still get ID’s for lottery tickets and look 18. So ladies…like a gentleman told me. Never step out of the house without looking your best because you never know who you might meet. That doesn’t mean heels and a face full of makeup…I wear just a little bit of makeup. It means looking as SEXY and attractive as possible.

    Reply
    • Mike McCain

      This is such a wise posting.

      I’m a male in my mid 50’s. I dated attractive women a few years either side of my age. I found my wonderful gsl. I love her to pieces.

      As stated…I’m a male. We are attracted to fit, good looking females. That is a given. I really dont care about your successes in life, where you have travelled, etc. ‘if’ you dont fulfill this basic requirement. I have male friends…I don’t need a ‘friend’. I want and desire a ‘hot babe’ who is a ‘beep’ in bed. If she is my age and can reminisce about toys from the 1960’s…that’s a plus.

      Beyond this? Someone who has enthusiasm in life and has energy. Who says a 50 year old female can’t climb a tree and share a popsicle? This is what many males and female ‘don’t get’. I can sill climb that tree and my favorite wine flavour is ‘purple’…not Chardonnay. I like to crank the car stereo up and play 70’s music when zipping down the road to go for a hike…where, I expect a 50 year old woman can still keep up with me.

      I’m not 25 but neither of us is ‘dead’. I’m not immature because I have no desire to mow the grass on Saturday evening rather than go dancing at a club with very loud music. I very much will want to feel my partner’s boob when driving there. I expect that shewill get a bit of a thrill from it.

      I’m a responsible scientist. I spend a good chunk of my life being respondible. I’m financially responsible. Never smoked. Never tried drugs. Never been out of shape. However, I really want a relationship in which my partner is foremost my ‘girlfriend’ and she acts that way. She can be my wife, partner, etc. But she wants to hold hands, smooch in the movie theatre and never turns some opportunity because ‘its late and I have to get up in the morning’.

      Reply
      • Ariel

        I would like to meet you Mike McCain! How very well thought out, and presented. It’s not simply staying in ‘shape’ it’s being, and feeling, young enough to climb that tree or go running in the rain, falling to the ground together and letting go!! To remember though, not all people do that even in their twenties/thirties, but I did, and at 49, I still do it all; still move up, down, and sideways, without even thinking about it, still have oodles of spark and laughter, and FUN. Maybe we all get too serious as we get older? Not me, but that’s not on purpose, I have always been this way…

        Reply
  13. ShedatearcauseI'mmissingyou

    I am in my mid 40s and have been in an unhappy marriage for many years. I must be one of those rare men because I find women in their 50s mentally stimulating therefore attractive. Once I can end my marriage I most likely will not date a woman younger than in her late 40s. Older women, for the most part, have life experience and know what they want. The maturity they bring with them is what I seek. They compliment my desire to grow and be a wiser man than I was yesterday. They offer so much outside of the bedroom which makes the whole relationship to be built on more solid grounds. I am fit and attractive but I would never be fooled by the beauty without maturity which is something many young women lack. For the time being I just have to be patient until the time is right.

    Reply
  14. Mila

    Lots of interesting perspectives. I am 62 and separated. One shoe really does not fit all. After 8 months I am finally at the stage where I accept my life going forward is going to be vastly different. And that is it, just different not better not worse only different. It is totally up to me to live my life happily. Whether I will ever share my life again with someone is not really a concern of mine. If it happens fine, if not fine too. I was always independent and will continue to remain independent. I will start dating, whether it leads to a meaningful relationship or not doesn’t matter. Each new person I meet has something new to offer. I am not bitter, I feel for my ex-husband who now sports a tattoo. Kind of sad when you still have to find yourself over 60. Life has a lot to offer and I plan to take full advantage of it. Life is good, whether you are 30,40,50 or 60+ just adapt your outlook on life. But never ever become defeated or bitter. Here’s to life, live it!
    BTW – I am in shape and do consider myself attractive – but I do not think being attractive and in shape defines me 🙂

    Reply
  15. Michele

    What I am up against is this: I have a full, satisfying life as a single (divorced 5 years) woman, but I want a loving partnership with a significant other. I have had two relationships since my divorce which didn’t work out, just not men who were truly emotional available. I am having a hard time meeting men my age who are interested in women my age, as the author states. Unlike her, however, I am not fully happy in my life without a relationship and don’t know how to reconcile that. I am in therapy.

    Reply
    • Sophie19

      I agree that it seems to be much harder for women over 50 – or over 40 actually – to find men who are their equals AND who are interested in a serious relationship with them. I see so many woman over 40 who are smart, attractive, well-educated, successful, emotionally mature, financially solvent, and have great personalities, but who get involved with men who have few or none of these qualities, or who treat them terribly. It seems like these women feel that at least this is better than being alone.

      What puzzles me is that – given a surplus of smart, attractive, together women over 40 – why don’t more women get together with other women? It seems logical, and research has showed that a large percentage of women are bisexual to some degree. It may be a challenging adjustment after a lifetime of heterosexuality, but to me it seems worth it for women to be able to get a higher quality partner. There have been reports that there is indeed an increasing trend for women to switch to same-sex relationships in midlife, and I hope it continues to grow! It seems to me that this would solve most of the problem.

      Reply
  16. Old Man

    A’s a man in his mid 50’s dating a woman in her mid 30’s, I will tell you the reason.
    There years ago I became single, I had this woman around my age who was very keen to go out with me. I told her Ilike her but I have one rule, that is we split the bill on the first date. She quickly told me she expects a man to pay for her & threatened to find another man willing to pay. For the next few weeks she was still hinting she like me but she would not bend on her sexist issue of self entitlement. I told her if she don’t meet me half way, then she would be waiting a long time
    Next week I asked this girl out who was 20 years younger than me & I told her that I expect a woman to meet me half way on a date. She agreed & we split the bill. On the second daterm she asked me out & paid for me. On the third date I paid for her & on the 4th date we had hot sex.
    Three years later we are still together & I never had to put up with these sexist game’s the woman in her mid 50s came up with.
    I would never go out with an old woman again, they are to sexist.

    Reply
    • Mary

      Don’t paint older women with a broad brush. I’d be more than happy to pay my way and so would a lot of other older gals. Good luck with that young gal you found, enjoy it while it lasts.

      Reply
  17. Sue

    Mila, I love what you’ve said here!!

    “Life has a lot to offer and I plan to take full advantage of it. Life is good, whether you are 30,40,50 or 60+ just adapt your outlook on life. But never ever become defeated or bitter. Here’s to life, live it!
    BTW – I am in shape and do consider myself attractive – but I do not think being attractive and in shape defines me 🙂”

    I couldn’t agree more! You have to reach for the best in life for YOU! I may not be the best pic-ken’s out there as far as looks are concerned but..for my age I look OK and am told by men, women and of course, ..my old trusty mirror! but..even better than that I know I’ve something to offer even friends, a listening ear, companionship, and and a desire to have a bit of fun in life. Doesn’t have to take me anywhere at all, just a good time for awhile in this thing we call life! Kudos to all!!!

    Reply
    • robert

      Selfish and vain people has no gender restriction. I am in my 50s, divorced a few. Years(my choice). Been told I look a bit like Tony danza. Super spiritual and pretty much have my act together. Tough to met a “together” woman of ANY age! The younger ones want adventure and sex, the older ones are scarred and want you to be the one that “saves the day”

      Reply
  18. Jeff

    When women say “details of my divorce aren’t really important,” it means she cheated on her husband.

    Reply
    • Wake

      Jeff, no way of knowing that, she may just not want to share the details

      Reply
  19. Confirmed Bachelor

    I hope everyone finds who or what they seek. I’m 56, divorced 15 years, and my children are grown and married. I spent 18 really terrible years married to a real harpie. I was her second husband. Even my mother-in-law and brother-in-law apologized to me on a nearly continuous basis for the way she treated me. My attorney asked me how in the world I was able to hang in there until my children were old enough to decide who they wished to live with. I answered “PXB”. He asked what the hell that was, that he needed some. I said, “Paxil, Xanax and Bourbon. Lots of bourbon.”

    I dated (half-heartedly) for a few years. The oldest woman was 58, and the youngest 28. I’ve dated Vietnamese, Russian, British and Colombian women. An attorney, a banker, a respiratory therapist, computer programmer, graphic artist, dancers (not ballet). I was semi-engaged three separate times…and called it off. Why? Drama, stress and expense. Women, in my experience, want to run the relationship. Many men, like me, reach a point in their lives where they just don’t want to spend all their time arguing, negotiating and compromising. Of course, relationships require compromise at times, that goes without saying. But we don’t want someone who’s going to challenge us on everything. Nor do we want a Stepford Wife. I stopped dating 7 years ago, and I don’t miss it. I guess I value peace of mind and peace and quiet more than a piece of anything else. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but all I have to do is think about how married life was, and I suddenly feel pretty damn good!

    Reply
    • Tony M

      Exactly, I’m with you! I’m a slow learner too! Life is good without drama.

      Reply
  20. doublej118

    What BS! I’m in my 50’s with a good job, I stay in shape and keep myself fit and find it impossible to meet woman!

    Reply
  21. AZ Native

    Well now…
    So I’m reciently divorced after twenty two years of marriage, I loved my wife and being married but unfortunately after our youngest son went off to collage, she decided that it was time for her to move on with her life without me… So now at 58 years old I find myself alone. I know that there is somone out there for me I just need to find her, I’m not bitter over the divorce and I am doing pretty well financially but I want somone to share my life with. I have no interest in younger women but it’s pretty hard to find women my age (where do you gals hide?) so just let you know their are gentlemen out here looking for you!

    Reply
  22. Anonymous

    What a great thread. Here’s one for you:

    I just turned 50 this week (gulp). I’ve never been married and have no kids (I’ll give you a minute to process all your judgements:) By choice, I have not been dating now for 3-4 years (take another minute). Just got busy as well as tired of it all like many of you. Now, at 50, I want to get back on the horse and try again but am fully aware that a man who has never been married and has no kids probably gives me about a .0001% percent chance of success, right. I get it.

    I am extrememly fit, active, and my friends all say that I am a really good man. I’m financially stable, am a one woman man, and have no skeletons in my closet. I’m obviously far from perfect as well. I’ve traveled much of the world and have had some amazing experiences. I am honestly NOT attracted to younger women (below 40), and would love to meet a woman with/without kids as I am great with them. (btw, science has proven that the optimal age difference in couples for longevity is 9 years. Look it up, don’t take my word for it). I don’t have kids because I was too busy traveling the world while I was younger, smart enough to not just ‘knock up’ anyone, and well, time just literally got away from me. I have dated many wonderful women in my life that wanted to settle down with me but frankly, I was too stupid. Now, I am 50 and ‘reality check’: the world has changed and doesn’t care anymore. Communication between people has gone to sh&t due to technology, online dating(inorganic) has somehow become the new normal, and genders are jumping ship because ‘swiping’ one direction or the other is a lot easier then actually ‘working’ towards anything anymore…..or so it all seems. Complimenting someone on how they look is now offensive, striking up a conversation with someone in public is unheard of, and my favorite….opening a door for a lady can be seen as…wait for it…sexist.

    Wow, we have actually let all this happen to us. We should all be ashamed. (Oh, and I’m a liberal too!(knew some of you would get a kick out of that:))

    I want a relationship, period. I want to meet a woman and have the last first kiss I’ll ever have. I don’t want to die alone and I’ll never be so naive to champion independence over the biological need to connect. I believe a lot of people have a hard wake up call coming in their later lives! I had to go years of being single focusing on other things to realize this.

    Ladies, there are a LOT of good men out there and everything they say is not wrong. Gentlemen, there are a LOT of great women out there who are not man haters. But doesn’t it seem like we are all just getting in our own way! Seriously! Hasn’t our culture just made it normal with taking (biology in this case) and making it as difficult as it can be? Isn’t that the new American way…If I say the sky is blue, you say no it is not. Am I wrong? Expectations have become impossible for anyone to live up to. An easier way is obviously just a swipe away, right!? It seems no matter what a man or woman says or does, it’s wrong. Yes, biology is biology, and the more we fight it with all the upending of ‘everything’, we are all just going to keep running away from each other. Since all this chaos started only about 15 years or so ago(technology), I can’t wait to read all the research in the future showing epidemic levels of suicide and depression in this country. Oh wait, its already there:)
    If we all just (and I realize how silly this is to say as I type it) get back to respecting each other and appreciating what each gender has to offer, we might have a chance at NOT becoming the most disconnected culture on earth.

    That said, I’m not giving up as I get back on this horse. I’ll find her and she’ll find me.

    I leave you with this: Think of the times you felt that utter sense of pure giddiness and joy….was it after your 197th Yoga class? Was it after you bought that super cool sportscar? Or maybe it was when you finally got your degree at 47? I’m gonna guess that if you are able to be really honest with yourself, few things in life made you feel the way you did when you met someone new(at any age) and there was true chemestry between the two of you. That, my frustrated friends, is how you know that anything less then love is just an excuse:)

    But, what do I know:)) Happy hunting:)

    Reply
    • Debbie

      Anonymous……great post. It gives me hope.

      I too just turned 50. No kids. I would love a relationship again. I went through a painful divorce 7 yrs ago I did not want after a 19 yr relationship. I then met a nice man who passed away after only two yrs together. It has been 5 yrs since I’ve been with someone and I really miss the companionship.

      I’ve had terrible luck with online dating. No responses from the men I was interested in, lies on profiles, engaged men still with active profiles, etc. Most want someone younger and who have a fat bank account. That route is not for me.

      I’m attractive and height/weight proportionate, look 10 yrs younger than my age, down to earth, intelligent, funny, affectionate, and loyal. I don’t judge what someone does for a living or what type of car they drive. I just want a kind man to share my life with, someone who makes me laugh, and someone who is attentive and not afraid to be chivalrous for the hopeless romantic “me”.

      It has not been easy, but reading your post and those of the other men in their 50’s who just want the real deal without all the BS has given me hope that there are still men out there who want someone like me in their life without all the games. And who don’t mind that I am their age!

      Thank you for posting!

      Reply
    • Debbie

      Seriously Anonymous….are you even real? I keep reading your post and it’s evident that we share the same views on life and that is not something I find often in men today. You are so right in that technology has made a big difference in how we communicate and meet people. While it can offer convenience, it can also be cold and impersonal. I find so little satisfaction in it.

      The world has changed and so many are self-centered and materialistic. Being with someone special doesn’t have the sacredness it used to. It’s too easy to move on and find someone else when situations are not quite right. Not many want to put the effort into a relationship, and no relationship survives without work. It’s easy to keep things casual. I’m an old fashioned girl who longs for the way it used to be. I want meaning and real love in my relationship.

      You are absolutely right. There is nothing quite like having that chemistry with someone, knowing your partner has your back and will stand by you no matter what. It’s a rare thing these days it seems, especially the older you get. I can tell you right now that I have never felt as connected and peaceful to the core of my being as when in the arms of my partner. Just being quiet together is like nothing else in the world. Deep down don’t we all want to feel a deep connection with another living soul?

      I am a spiritual person and I think we were given this precious gift of connection with others as a reminder of the deep connection we have with our Creator. It’s the closest thing to heaven we will ever have on earth, beating out by far our feelings after the 197th Yoga class, buying the new sportscar, or getting the degree at 47. When you are close to someone you love with your entire heart and soul you aren’t even thinking about all the non-essential stuff in life, and most things are indeed non-essential.

      If only we all could see the gift we choose to squander and minimize. The world would be such a better place. There would be few divorces because we’d value each other and we’d honor commitments.

      Hats off to you, Anonymous. You’ve really got it right. I’d love the compliment you offer, and you can open my door any time. In my search for love again I hope I run into you!

      Reply
      • Chris

        Debbie – You sound like a very genuine person and seem to be a woman who can understand that a satisfying relationship is not about all the shallow “stuff” but is about deep connection, character, honesty, kindness, gentleness, intimacy, sharing, openness, and being a team and prioritizing the relationship, among other things. I am a 54 year old, reasonably attractive male who has never been married, but am currently on dating sites (like eHarmony and Christian Mingle, etc.) and am not seeing anyone like you out there. The younger women (30’s and 40’s) are either looking to be taken care of, or want to have kids, which I do not. Some brag about their professional or life accomplishments but if you ask them what qualities they have to bring to a relationship, they just point to the same accomplishments. Another thing I find is that women of all ages seem to have non-stop activity in their lives and expect the man to become part of that non-stop whirlwind of constant travel, parties, dancing, shopping, animal rescue, large pet menageries, raising horses, and whatever else they are into. Me, I prefer less stress and so I guess you could say I am trying to slow life down instead of speed it up. I don’t live a boring life but just don’t need to chase adrenaline rushes all the time.

        I am not at all averse to dating women my age. But one problem I am having is that I look young for my age and many of the women on the sites who are my age seem to look much, much older than their age – like in their 70’s. I am sure that comment won’t go over well but I am just being honest about what I am seeing so far that is throwing me off. If you look your age, great. I am also not bothered by scars, imperfections, mastectomies, and many other things that women might be afraid to let people see. I have my own scars and medical issues and the relentless pressure to be physically perfect is hurting many of us. But yes, there are certain things I am having a hard time getting past. I don’t want or need perfect anything but do want to be attracted enough to my wife to the point of looking forward to kissing and hugging her each day, and I can’t apologize for wanting that. Growing old together is not a problem, but starting out feeling very mismatched is.

        Beyond that, I have not considered divorced women in my search up to now, but after reading your post I will gladly rethink that. I has just been a matter of fear really, of being compared to a prior significant partner. But I have considered widows, so that makes me a bit inconsistent, Lol.

        In any case, what I really wish for most of all right now is having someone to talk to about all this, both male and female, who have gone through the dating scene or are going through it. I wish there were support groups for dating! Most of my friends are married or are not looking, so I do not have anyone to talk to about all this except for my therapist. It would be nice to have more people to bounce ideas off of, and have them read your profiles, etc. Not sure if anyone else feels the same. Anyway, I’m not giving up and will look for ways to make the process work better. Thanks for listening.

        Reply
        • Debbie

          Chris….you sound like a genuine person also. It is nice to hear, and I appreciate your post. The points you mentioned for a meaningful relationship are points I value very much. Society as a whole has changed, and I’m not so sure that trash tv, online dating, and dirty websites have done us a favor as a whole. It can be very disheartening.

          I hope you do consider divorced women in the future, as most women and men our age have already been married. Most, but not all. I would personally consider any nice, genuine, kind man to have a relationship with, with only a few exceptions. By now we’ve all had our butts kicked by life and we have the scars to prove it. I’d like to think this has made us more compassionate and understanding towards others, but sadly it is evident that many of us have become selfish and self-centered. I for one have learned much from my past relationships and hope that it’s made me a better person, even though with each relationship I’ve had I never wanted to give up but work on the issues. For me it’s always been about sticking it out for the long haul, especially in marriage. Otherwise what is the point?

          Because of my butt kicking on more than one front, I am pretty accepting of people and their unique differences. I am also one who is not into drama, and I prefer a simple life with some periodic adventures. I am a nature girl with one horse and two dogs, but my days of raising animals is over. If it wasn’t for the fact that my ex-husband wanted the dogs I wouldn’t even have them. He gave them to me after the divorce even though they were supposed to remain with him. If he could throw me out of his life like trash I should have known he would throw away the dogs he wanted that I raised for him. The dogs will be with me until they leave this world because I believe in owning up to my responsibilities, but after that I am done with dogs.

          At our age it is very possible to have health issues and I have a few of my own. I can understand if someone else does too. I also want minimal stress in my life, and this outlook is very necessary for my overall wellness. I am certainly not the typical woman out there obsessed with activities and shopping. I am not lazy, but I know how to relax and have peace in my life.

          If you want to talk I am the editor for a spiritual site within a large women’s site that welcomes both women and men as members. You can read articles and join in on forum discussions on many topics. You may find the various sites interesting and if you become a member there is a way to send me messages directly without having it posted publicly. The main site is bellaonline dot com. Maybe I will chat with you there.

          Good luck to you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

          Reply
        • Anonymous

          Chris & Debbie,

          Well said! I relate to so much of what you wrote, being that single guy that never married. You bring up a very good point…men our age need a place to talk about this stuff and learn from each other because, as only guys like us know, we are somewhat outcasts in society. Hard to have large social circles at this age, seemingly impossible to meet someone in the real world…left to the online dating environment which is flawed by its very design.

          Keep up the fight and the outreach. Something tells me there are millions of men like us. But the dating system is not built for us at this age. Talking about it together is a great step forward. Look for men’s groups to join in your area, or be bold and start one. Men need support to.

          Debbie, yes I’m real and thank you for the kind words. You sound like a gem and good men like me love to hear kind words. Not much of that going around anymore as everyone is crippled by their frustration and anger…

          oh, and Chris: divorced women are SO much more down to earth and centered. Heck, I’ve thought of getting back online and listing myself as divorced just because it automatically makes you more attractive then being single at this age!

          ….and on and on….:)

          Reply
          • Debbie

            Anonymous…..I’m so glad you came back and responded. Where are all the guys like you??? You are exactly what I am looking for…..down to earth, sensible, respectful, and looking to have something special with someone. I’m being kind because you stand apart from most of the guys I’ve seen and heard about.

            I feel for your situation and the lack of support. I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I feel different from most women for many reasons, and the online dating scene just doesn’t appeal to me. They take your money and you get no satisfaction. I tried it and found it to be a waste. I contacted four guys through this venue and received no response from any of them. I even went out of my comfort zone a bit to give these guys a chance to just start a conversation. I am comfortable in my own skin and I know I am a quality person. It hurts when nobody gives you a chance.

            I had two other experiences with men aside from the online dating that I’d like to share. With one guy there was a nine year difference in age, but to me once you are 40 who cares? At the time he was 40 and I was 49. My friend tried to hook us up. She told him I am beautiful inside and out and she wanted to bring two good people together. He doesn’t live close by but called me and we talked for an hour and a half. Mostly about his own issues but that was ok because he needed someone to talk to. I told him some about my life too. The conversation seemed to go well and he said he’d call back the next day but didn’t. Did not answer my emails either. What the heck? Why say you’ll call and then don’t have the courtesy to even be honest and say you don’t want to continue? He told my friend he didn’t call back because he didn’t know what to say (how old is he….15?), and was uncomfortable about my age. He dominated the phone conversation so he knows what to say. He never met me in person to see if there was any chemistry. Does this make any sense to you? I probably look younger than he does because I look dang good for my age. Nobody can believe I’m 50. Now he is with someone 9 years younger who bought her own house with cash.

            The other guy is only a couple years younger than I am and has known me for some time but only in a casual setting. He knows what kind of person I am. I asked him if he wanted to get together and he was open to it. I put the hint to him three times over 5 years and I left it up to him. He doesn’t have a partner yet never once did he call me. You can be prime real estate in front of their nose and guys just don’t care. I am the best he’d ever hope to have in his life, him being a recovering drug addict with a heart ready to give out. He’s been clean for some time now. Maybe I’m the foolish one for giving a human being who had a hard life a chance for something good.

            I know that these men were not meant to be or it would have happened. But it doesn’t feel good when you just want to love someone and you have a lot to offer. It seems that most men my age don’t want a commitment of any kind but just want to play around, especially with younger women. They feel they’ve been burned. The problem is that we’ve all been burned, and most of us don’t handle it well. Women and men both have become very self-centered. It is hard to be vulnerable anymore for fear of being taken advantaged of. Other women I know tell me worse stories about men and online dating then what I’ve just told. And I realize you guys are being treated unfairly to pay for what some jerk did to a woman. People aren’t honest and kind anymore to each other. That is a big problem.

    • Maria

      You were very kind to everyone in your post. That’s a great quality in a person. Because of great pain, some people become bitter. But I agree with you. There are many good people out there. I know you will find that special someone who will love you just they way you are.

      Even if you do open the door for her!

      I wish you all the best.

      Reply
  23. Tony M

    So here’s the gist of this blog: women in their 30’s lie to men, women in their 40’s lie to men, women in their 50’s have to lie to themselves because men don’t believe them anymore!😊

    Reply
    • Debbie

      Tony M……just like it makes no sense to lump all men into a category and stereotype them, all women should not be considered liars. There’s good and not so good in all of us. Not one of us is perfect. Some choose to be honest, and some choose to play games. Often the honest get hurt, but that’s the chance you take.

      I’ve always valued honesty on both sides, and that’s the way I’ve strived to live my life. Sure I’ve gotten hurt, but I won’t change and become a liar in future relationships just to protect myself. You can’t have a real and meaningful relationship without honesty and respect for yourself and for the other person.

      Reply
  24. The Truth Teller

    Well with most women unfortunately today being so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and very money hungry, well that will make it very hard for many of us good men to really meet a woman that isn’t like that at all now. Most women today will really want the best of all which they will never settle for less either since most of these women are always looking for men with money anyway.

    Reply
    • Debbie

      The Truth Teller…..it is sad that we women can’t find decent men because the lot of us are judged as you have described. I work to support myself so I am not looking for money. I am looking for a kind, loving partner. As long as he can support himself and is happy with what he does, that’s fine by me. From a man I expect a little chivalry and a lot of respect. Take me out and give me flowers once in a while. That doesn’t mean he has to be rich. I’ve been in love with several men who were not loaded with money. That didn’t matter to me because I judge by what is inside a man, not by what he owns.

      Reply
  25. Johnny M

    Well since most of the women nowadays that do Cheat more than men do which is real fact by the way. And since this happened to me it really devastated me at that time thinking that i had finally met the right woman to settle down with. And i was a very caring and loving husband that was very Committed to her as well which unfortunately it still wasn’t good enough for her. Now single and alone again since my Ex wife turned out to be the real pathetic low life loser that i never knew. And with no children to fall back on either just makes it worse for me since i always wanted children when we were married. And going out and finding love again has become very extremely difficult for me since it isn’t easy at all nowadays.

    Reply
    • Debbie

      Johnny M…….I am very sorry for your experience.

      I had a similar one. I was together with my ex-husband for a total of 19 yrs, 16 yrs married. I was a loyal, caring wife believing we’d be together until old age. He cheated on me more than once and I stupidly kept him in my life until he finally wanted out. I did not want kids and he was ok with that until he had a midlife crisis. Then he wanted a divorce so he could go on to have his own kids. Even that was a lie because he married someone soon after the divorce and she had older children. She never gave him a baby, and it turns out he’d been in contact with her for years while he and I were married. I also supported him through years of school so he could make a good life for us. After all the degrees he attained he felt I was not good enough for him anymore. I don’t think the new wife is either. I found him online a year after he remarried looking for some action on the side.

      None of us are perfect, and I made my mistakes too. But nothing I did or didn’t do was worth divorcing over. I wanted the marriage to work. He wanted greener grass on the other side of the fence. You can try your might to do the right things in life, with integrity and commitment, and still wind up out on your arse. Believe me, I was devastated after giving so many years of my life to someone I deeply loved, and the scars still cut me today. But I know I have to keep moving forward.

      Hang in there, Johnny. Keep being true to yourself and try to stay positive. If you believe in prayer or meditation it can really help. Take nature walks and get involved with groups that interest you, even groups that help others. You are a good guy and eventually you will attract someone who will appreciate you. We are out there!

      Reply
  26. TP

    More propaganda from the brain dead. Your divorced because you made a bad choice. You ignored good men for the “bad boy”.Or someone you could “fix”. So now you want someone to clean up the mess. Forget it. The legal system is skewed in your favor so don’t expect men to do this again. We will keep what we have thank you and outside of sex, you really don’t offer us a hell of a lot when it comes to companionship.

    Reply
    • Debbie

      TP…….brain dead I am not. I didn’t marry a bad boy or someone I can fix. I am not a babysitter and there is no mess to clean up. I didn’t rake my ex-husband through the coals when we divorced. He kept his car, our house, and all the furniture in that house. He lives very well right now.

      Men make choices too, good and bad. It takes two people to make a marriage work and to keep it together. One person can’t do it alone.

      Your sweeping generalizations and negativity are why you are alone right now. If that’s the way you want it then that’s great. It will mean less trouble out there for us women in the dating scene to worry about.

      Reply
  27. The Central Scrutinizer

    I’m a 55 going on 56 year old man that has been married 2x, my kids are almost through high school, and I’ve been single for 4 years now, after spending the bulk of my adult life in somewhat unsatisfying marriages and a 6 1/2 relationship that I ended in late 2013 because of my ex’s personal issues with negativity.

    It is brutal out there dating. On the internet sites, women have, quite frankly, totally unrealistic expectations. There’s some truisms and I don’t give a rat’s rear end about what women say… being short (and I’m fit and I’m in the gym all the time, or taking yoga, or power walking) is a HUGE disadvantage. I’m 5’6″. If I were 6′ in American culture, I would have my pick of GFs. I have a BA/MA, I’m a decent hobbyist musician, I have “edgy” tattoos from that side of my personality; I have a great career that pays me 100K a year.

    And_I_Am_Invisible

    I have had friends tell me to go to Thailand. Um, no. Living in California, I’ve heard horror story after horror story involving an American bringing back a woman from Asia (or Eastern Europe, for that matter) that didn’t end badly, with the guy divorced and she has *everything*. I would try South America if I were going to try anything – or possible Germany – outside the US.

    If I had a dollar for every time a woman has said to me “You’re a nice guy, and you are really great looking and smart, BUT (FILL IN THE BLANK OF HOW I DO NOT FIT HER CHECKLIST)” I’d be richer than Gates, man.

    Go read a trashy romance novel. Its what women want. They can have 12 f*cking PhDs and that’s STILL what they want.

    And you know what? I don’t think I’m being unrealistic that if I have to put my fork down than many of you other 50 somethings won’t do the same. I don’t know how many women I see > 50 that are my height, or shorter, that look like you’ve swallowed a wine barrel. I’m carrying 15# extra, and I work at trying to keep it at bay, but so many people let themselves go, its not funny. OTOH, you will get workout fiends who all (still) want Johnny Quarterback, except that dude IS the 50something guy with a BMW convertible that has a 30 or 20something GF. They’re not going to return your calls girls.

    The best advice in this thread that I’ve seen so far is to simply go live your life. For most of us, a GF after age 50 is just NOT in the cards. I’ve reproduced, I’ve done my duty to the propagation of the human species. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to wake up next to, and have sex with, and feel intimate with. But the vast female single age appropriate population isn’t interested in that with someone like me. They want Johnny Quarterback.

    Reply
    • Debbie

      The Central Scrutinizer……I can understand your resentment. What you’ve said makes sense to me. And not to knock California, because I think it is a beautiful and dynamic state, I have seen and heard about what people’s expectations generally are who live there. I have friends and family out there who have told me pretty much the same thing. It’s that CA/Hollywood mentality. Not sure if many people there really deal with reality. I get why you are so frustrated.

      This country as a whole has an obesity problem. I get that you’d like to be with someone who cares enough about their own health and appearance. I don’t judge someone based on looks, but for comfort on many levels I understand wanting a partner who is height/weight proportionate. I personally don’t need physical perfection because I certainly am not perfect, but it is nice to see someone who takes care of themselves. I too keep a few extra pounds in check but I know I look good when I leave my house.

      At 5’4″ I wouldn’t mind a man your height. I look for what is inside a person. If the man is kind and respectful, his height makes no difference to me. I am sorry you’ve been so harshly judged.

      I agree that everyone has to go out and live their lives. Doing what has meaning for you is very important in life. If the timing is right, who knows? You might just run into someone who gets you and has the same interests.

      Good luck to you.

      Reply

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