Yesterday was Father’s Day.
It was a hard day for me. It was my “first” father’s day since our separation and I am not gonna lie – it was difficult.
My husband and I separated 6 months ago. I did not want the separation – I wanted to continue to work on our marriage. My husband did not. He felt that we had tried and tried and that the only way we could really figure out our situation was if he moved out. “Let’s try and date” were his parting words. We have not had one date since he left. I now understand that he was trying to let me down gently and the red flags were everywhere. I just didn’t want to see it. (Who finds a condo and completely decorates it if it’s a “trial separation”?)
At the beginning, I truly thought this was going to be a healthy break for both of us. I really believed that we would date and we would find the spark again that our relationship was missing. We created our own Separation Agreement at our kitchen table. I didn’t even consider seeing a lawyer because in my mind this was temporary. I thought he felt the same way so we loosely drafted our agreement and made it all about the kids.
Unfortunately this did not last for long. Two months after he moved out, he had a girlfriend.
I was blindsided. I thought we were going to date, I thought we were going to work on our relationship. He had no answers. “It just happened” he told me. He wasn’t looking for it – she just entered his life.
I was devastated. Sad, angry and resentful. I was also scared. I had trusted him and he had betrayed me. Was this all part of a grand plan? Did he already have this girlfriend? My mind would not rest but there was no way for me to know for sure. I was a mess. I could barely look at him – all I wanted to do was yell and scream at him but I couldn’t for the kids sake. I had to be the grown up and I had to keep it amicable. I had seen too many of my friends destroy their families because they couldn’t separate their relationship with their ex husbands with their relationship with their childrens’ father. I was not going to be that woman.
So I took the kids on Saturday to get their father a present for Father’s Day. I helped them make beautiful cards for him and even though it was my weekend, I took them to their dads Sunday morning so they could spend the day celebrating him. I watched them run from my car into his arms and I could see how happy they were to be with him.
As I watched them through my window I realized that the importance of the Father/Child relationship must always be my focus.
I have to be selfless for my children because the reality is that I will be connected to their Dad forever.