Yesterday was Father’s Day.

It was a hard day for me.  It was my “first” father’s day since our separation and I am not gonna lie – it was difficult.

My husband and I separated 6 months ago.  I did not want the separation – I wanted to continue to work on our marriage. My husband did not.  He felt that we had tried and tried and that the only way we could really figure out our situation was if he moved out.  “Let’s try and date” were his parting words.  We have not had one date since he left.  I now understand that he was trying to let me down gently and the red flags were everywhere.  I just didn’t want to see it.  (Who finds a condo and completely decorates it if it’s a “trial separation”?)

At the beginning, I truly thought this was going to be a healthy break for both of us.  I really believed that we would date and we would find the spark again that our relationship was missing.  We created our own Separation Agreement at our kitchen table.  I didn’t even consider seeing a lawyer because in my mind this was temporary.  I thought he felt the same way so we loosely drafted our agreement and made it all about the kids.

Unfortunately this did not last for long.  Two months after he moved out, he had a girlfriend.

I was blindsided.  I thought we were going to date, I thought we were going to work on our relationship.  He had no answers.  “It just happened” he told me.  He wasn’t looking for it – she just entered his life.

I was devastated.   Sad, angry and resentful.  I was also scared.  I had trusted him and he had betrayed me.  Was this all part of a grand plan? Did he already have this girlfriend? My mind would not rest but there was no way for me to know for sure.  I was a mess.  I could barely look at him – all I wanted to do was yell and scream at him but I couldn’t for the kids sake.  I had to be the grown up and I had to keep it amicable.  I had seen too many of my friends destroy their families because they couldn’t separate their relationship with their ex husbands with their relationship with their childrens’ father.  I was not going to be that woman.

So I took the kids on Saturday to get their father a present for Father’s Day.  I helped them make beautiful cards for him and even though it was my weekend, I took them to their dads Sunday morning so they could spend the day celebrating him. I watched them run from my car into his arms and I could see how happy they were to be with him.

As I watched them through my window I realized that the importance of the Father/Child relationship must always be my focus.

I have to be selfless for my children because the reality is that I will be connected to their Dad forever.

 

Susan, 41

3 Responses to “I will be connected to their Dad forever….”

  1. Debbie

    I left my husband 26 years ago my children were little at the time, Life moved on and 10 years later I asked him to take custody of the last two who where teenagers at the time while I finished university, He passed away 9 years ago the boys were 22 and up, They told me at the time and still today that the best thing that ever happened was our divorce because they realized how unhappy we both were. They were also so grateful that we remained friends. Yesterday was hard for me and for my children because we lost a large part of our family when he passed away, It was not only us but our families who worked hard to remain tight after our divorce, I still spend time with his family and he spent time with mine till his death. Yes we both remarried at different times and it was part of the deal you take me, the kids, the ex, and all his family etc, His mother came and spent time with me when I had my daughter from my second husband. I know that this would not be possible in all families but I am so thankful that it was a part of mine, I still spend time with his family as they are part of my adult childrens lives.

    Reply
    • Michael

      you made me cry. life is tough enough and the kids go through so much turmoil. the way you handled it made an impact in the life of your children in ways so deep. Unfortunately many divorced couples do not get that and slowly grind their children and drag them down with them.

      Reply
    • JH

      This is so refreshing to hear. My children’s father and I parted ways 2.5 years ago and we are also still friends. I spend time with his family and he still spends time with mine. We are both still young (in our thirties) and our children are still young (3.5 and 6). I feel so out of place sometimes because our relationship is not really stressed in any way. We co-parent together really well and the kids are both happy. It’s good to know that there are other people out there with similar experience. We both haven’t re-married at this point but i know that anyone that comes into my life will have to accept our friendship and I wouldn’t want it any other way for the kids. Putting your differences aside is a choice and it can work out well in the end 🙂 We did a BBQ at their dad’s house for fathers day and I also helped them make cards and bought a gift.

      Reply

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