One year post divorce, I can breathe and start to reflect on the last few years of anger and sadness.  Learning the truth about my husband and the double life he was living was extremely shocking and painful.  We tried to patch it up with therapy.  Of course, in the end, we all want what we can’t have, and my husband was devastated with my decision to end the marriage. To say the least, the Divorce was far from amicable.

It’s amazing how so many men don’t think that they financially owe their partners anything.  I tried to amicably settle our situation so that we could both move on, but my husband seemed to get pleasure out of making this difficult for me and trying to make me regret my decision, even though he was responsible for the demise of our marriage.   Some things will never make sense to me, and I have learned to live without closure, or an understanding of my husband’s actions and sabotaging behaviour.

The fall out for me was the extreme sadness and darkness that comes with Divorce.  It took a good year to start to feel better.  However, I can honestly say now, there have been a lot of gifts hidden in that darkness.

Specifically, my family and my friends who constantly rallied around me during the dark times. When I was in the early stages of separation and divorce, I felt like I wanted to be alone.  Everything felt strange – going out for dinner, staying home, taking my kids to school.  I just didn’t know where or who I fit in with anymore. My family and friends were constantly there to pick me up.  These relationships seemed to connect on a much deeper level now, maybe because my life was an open book and I felt so vulnerable,

When I was ready, I pushed myself to meet new friends in real life and online.  I started to connect with people who were in a similar place and could understand the concerns of shared custody, being a single parent and just being single, and the loneliness you feel, especially at the beginning.

I learned how strong I was as I pushed forward to create a new chapter for myself.  I learned to look after myself instead of neglecting myself, I learned to manage my own money, be a single parent, re-enter the work force, and fill my free time.

I’ve learned during my divorce, that you can only see the light if you look after yourself, let others in and are brave enough to walk through the darkness.

Suzanne, 39

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