Admittedly I’ve led a pretty charmed life. I breezed through childhood, teens and into my adult years with only a few bumps and scars. I always had lots of friends, easily made good grades, landed a great job – and subsequent career – married at “just the right time”, popped out two healthy children and was able to stay in shape.

I wasn’t one to complain or burden my friends with my trifle concerns. I kept my ears ready to listen to others’ problems. After all, my life seemed pretty exceptional.

So imagine my surprise when my husband announced he was unhappy and wanted a divorce! It seemed like a cruel joke when he first stated it – referencing a detached and rather bland life he hadn’t bargained for as his rationale.

Stunned, I sat shocked on my couch. This kind of stuff didn’t happen to me?! Wasn’t I invincible to this type of drama????

I couldn’t reconcile feeling this hurt and betrayed – how could he not love me anymore? Didn’t I keep the family moving forward? Wasn’t I attractive and interesting enough to hold onto my husband?

I remember feeling the humiliation set in those first few months. Concerned about my public image I was so uncomfortable owning up to this failure. I didn’t want my friends and co-workers to know… I couldn’t bear the whispers and the exposure to my less than perfect life.

This didn’t seem like something that could happen to me. It felt like something that was supposed to happen to other people…not me!

Unable to share my true emotions with anyone close to me, I turned to a therapist. She helped me understand that I was not exempt from this type of pain. She showed me how my closed mind led to this facade of perfection. She opened me up to feeling raw, vulnerable and showed me where to place my humility.

I found my way through countless sleepless nights, horrible angst and depression. I learned it was ok to lean on others. I would still be alright if my life was less than perfection.

I created my place back through the pain and found my footing in a different type of life. My new world now includes imperfection. There are days I still feel too embarrassed to face the world but my divorce has changed my perspective. Through the hurt I came to be a better, kinder more passionate person. I relate better and “feel” so much more.

Divorce is not what I had imagined for myself. It’s not what I ever thought would be part of my life but I do believe I am thankful for what it has opened up for me as a more in touch person!

Jessica, 42

One Response to “This isn’t MY life… Is it??”

  1. Heather

    I recently found myself on a second divorce. ….it was so much more painful. …I felt like I had tried so hard. ..harder than my first one. My identity was just destroyed. Now that time has passed I’m doing really well. I really didn’t want to be married and he figured it out over a 16 year period and 3 kids. I lied everyday and said it was great and what I wanted. The lies I told were so subtle. …I don’t feel well….I’m tired….I’m distracted by the kids. Now….I love being single and being alone is better than any fake organism I ever created. I didn’t know I allowed myself to be placed in a pressure cooker called marriage. And I loved him so much. …but the idea of it was better than the day to day grind!

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