My husband and I separated in August. We were one of those couples that you have been hearing about during the pandemic- stuck together in the house and realized that the marriage was actually over. Our lives were so busy – 4 kids, a dog, careers, family obligations – that we really never had a chance to look at what our relationship was really about.
When the pandemic hit and we were all stuck in the house, I was prepared (or so I thought) for the difficulty of what was to come. I knew it would be hard to home school the kids, I knew being stuck inside without diversions would be hard for all of us. What I wasn’t prepared for was how disconnected my husband and I actually were. I found him difficult to be around – so opinionated and actually found having any kind of meaningful conversation with him almost impossible to have. Truthfully I just didn’t like him anymore. I loved him – he was the father of my kids and we had a history but I really and truly didn’t like him. I kept attributing my feelings to being locked down, told myself I was crazy and that everyone felt like this. But as the months passed, I realized this wasn’t this case and by August I knew we had to separate.
It has been a rough couple of months. “He didn’t see it coming”, he said. This was just more proof to me that this marriage had run its course. We agreed that we would take it slow and start with a trial separation. He moved out and we have been very amicable ever since.
As the holiday approaches, and I am faced with the first Thanksgiving without my entire family – I am a wreck. My parents and siblings are too far away for me to celebrate with. I can’t get on an airplane and risk getting Covid and I am questioning why I ever agreed to my husband having the kids for Thanksgiving. So I am alone – truly alone. I am sad and scared and am caught in a whirlwind of emotions – perhaps I jumped the gun by separating during such a stressful time in all our lives. I am second guessing all my convictions and emotions and wish I could make my mind stop. The anxiety of dealing with tomorrow is keeping me up at night and I am completely irrational. Do I call him and ask to come for dinner? Is that so selfish and unfair to him and the kids. Do I care? I am not sure.
The reality is that I won’t call and I will stay home and get through it. I am stronger than I think and have to remember that this too shall pass and I will eventually find a greater happiness. Short term pain for long term gain.