I had an affair.

I was deceitful, I was awful and I am not proud of my behaviour.
I didn’t mean for it to happen – but I always knew that it was a possibility.  And if he is really honest with himself, so did my husband.

We met when I was 25 and he was 31.  I thought he was sweet and kind and I found his gentle demeanour complimented my brain that never seemed to shut off. After 4 years of dating I gave him an ultimatum.  Marry me or I walk.

I know that sounds harsh but he is/was that guy.  Completely oblivious and in need of direction and my “A” type personality loved giving direction and loved being in control.
He proposed soon after and we were married on my 30th birthday.

I planned everything. He came from a big family so the wedding was large.  I remember asking for his input and he just didn’t care.  “Do whatever you want” was his favourite saying. This was to be the theme of our marriage – I just didn’t know it yet.

I own my own business and have since I was 25.  I work hard and am successful.  After we were married my husband began doing work for my company on a freelance basis.  We seemed to work well together but it was completely understood that my business was mine and his was his.  We had both signed a marriage contract specifically laying out the particulars so that there would be no grey area in the event of a divorce.

We had children and life got really busy.  My business was thriving and I was always being pulled in a million different directions.  My days were long and gruelling and I worked many evenings.  I was grateful that my husband could be home and give the kids the grounding they needed when I wasn’t around.

When I turned 40 I remember feeling extremely lonely.  I was happy in my professional life but no so much in my personal life.  Everything was up to me.  If I didn’t make plans, there were none.  If I didn’t plan vacations we didn’t take them.  If I didn’t arrange celebrations for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc they didn’t happen.  I told my husband that I felt unfulfilled, that we were missing a connection.  He would simply ignore me or tell me I was crazy.  I insisted that we go to a therapist and we did for a short time.

He tried.  He tried to make me feel special.  He tried to make me feel alive.  But it was short lived.  The reality was that he was never going to change and I was silly to think that he was.  I was sad and unhappy and knew that I should leave him but just didn’t have the strength or energy to do it.  There was no fighting or arguing which is not surprising because there was no passion.  In fact just the opposite:  pure complacency.

And then I hired “Richard” to help run my company.  I remember interviewing him and being so taken by his spirit.  He was alive – full of passion and interests.  He was a take charge kind of guy and after so many years of being a control freak – I was ready to have someone help out.

We ended up having an affair.  It was exciting and enthralling and I hadn’t felt so fantastic in years.  I had a new lease on life and the affair showed me that there was more out there for me.  I didn’t have to live my life with someone who clearly wasn’t my soul mate.  The affair gave me the strength to leave my marriage.

I often hear people say that no one leaves their marriage unless there is someone else.  That may be true but it is not always for the reasons they may think.  For me, being with someone else showed me what I was missing in my relationship.  The mere fact that I allowed myself to cross the line and be with someone else made going back and pretending my marriage was fine impossible.

My husband of course acted surprised by all this.  He was “shocked” that I had an affair and “shocked” that I wanted a divorce. However if he is ever really truthful with himself he would know that I tried to make our marriage work.  I tried to make him be the man I needed to him be.  I gave him 26 years of my life where I planned every minute of his day and I was finally ready to focus on myself.

I am no longer with Richard and am happily divorced.  Do I regret my affair? Not really. People do not have affairs if they are in fulfilling relationships and I am going to find a fulfilling relationship because I deserve it!

Cathy, 55

18 Responses to “Do I regret having an affair? Not really.”

  1. Anonymous

    This woman is a narcissist. Affairs not only impact your spouse, they impact everyone who loves you including your children. If she was unhappy she should have ended it. What sort of message is she sending to her children? There is no excuse for being deceitful. Even more disgusting that she sees no remorse. Her actions speak for itself. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

    • Anonymous

      So sad when I read the sentence, ” I tried to make him the man I needed him to be.” Clearly she never “loved” him. I feel for him and the children but hopefully he will meet someone who values the person he is.

    • George

      I lived this reality, interesting that there is no mention of the impact on her children…her only comment? “we had children”, It’s possible that there was no impact on her children…in an alternate universe, but I assure you that 5 yrs later my children are devastated and their life paths have been altered significantly. Shame on her. How arrogant and narcissistic, all about her needs

    • Been there

      She also married someone that she felt she could change,,,,, you shouldn’t have to change who you are in a marriage.
      But because her husband was just being who he was, she leaves him.
      Yep selfish
      Don’t marry someone if you want them to change into someone else

  2. Anonymous

    She wanted to make him the man she wanted,
    Lol, people are who they are and trying to make someone different is retarded. She obviously has all the issues here, right from the start by making this poor man marry her. That was on her and now she will live with the consequensces. No family love, no respect. Shame on you, your a “dumb ho”

  3. Anonymous

    What a loser! What a jerk!
    If you are as in control as you claim to be, so determined and successful, you would first be in control of yourself, to not cheat! You are in fact a leach! Keeping your husband by yourside to take care of your chores until u found the next one! You dont even consider thinking the amount of damage you might have caused!

  4. Pepi

    My husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was in a marriage that was exactly the same, I planned everything, except he hated everything I planned, except he wasn’t a very nice person to me or our children unfortunately, but I was young n unknowledgable. I always use to think while folding laundry or cleaning, “is this all marriage is suppose to be, is everyone I know that seems extremely happy really just acting”. It wasn’t till the separation that I got to find myself, to be me, to find my happiness. Thank you for sharing, it does take courage.

  5. John

    ^^^You guys beat me to it. This lady is all about “me.” Glad you’re not my wife, honey.

  6. Thank you

    It certainly does take courage to write something like this. People are quick to judge and don’t understand. You obviously did not go into this marriage expecting it to fail. People do the best that they can at the time and sometimes mistakes happen … no one is perfect. Life is too short to stay in a lifeless marriage. It usually benefits the other person as well if they can be mature enough to let go of the resentment.

  7. Jamie

    Absolutely a narcissist! It’s unbelievable that a grown woman – a mother no less- could be so incredibly self absorbed! Definitely one of the biggest problems with today’s world and the lack of character in so many people. This woman literally (barely) mentioned her kids in passing as if they are completely insignificant!! Her poor husband is probably a nice guy that was blindsided….. gee, such a shame she wasn’t able to change him into whatever she wanted. (Wow!!) There are a WHOLE lot of rationalizations written here – none of which change what a selfish, mean woman she is! She’s the type of person that will probably now go after someone else’s husband without an ounce of remorse . Sad. And in the end the grass is not usually greener anyway……she needs to grow up and work on herself instead of blaming others for her shortcomings.

  8. Anonymous

    Wow, what’s with all the name calling? Show me one perfect person and you will see one perfect world.

  9. Kara

    Thank you so much for sharing. I just walked away from a very similar relationship so I know how easy it is to fall into the complacency of being married to someone who agrees with everything and how hard it is to walk away from the nice guy. To all those who are so judgemental, don’t judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

    • Deborah

      Hopefully one day you’ll be paid in the same way you paid your ex-husband.

  10. LogansDad

    My wife of 6 years recently did the same thing to me and our beautiful 4 year old son. Had an affair with a married coworker. I was completely blindsided. I tried for 6 months to work things out and get her to stop seeing the guy. Unfortunately, they are apparently “soulmates” and while she pretended to break things off with him several times, it was all a bunch of lies. Both marriages ended in divorce. I had always done all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, laundry, and most of the childcare. Now that we are divorced, she has her mommy take care of everything including most of the childcare. Her and her new man are very busy going out and pretending they are very important and high class. Very unfortunate for son but I did get shared custody. If not for her mother I would have fought to the death for full custody. I can’t believe what a crappy, selfish person I was married to. This woman sounds like she is of the same breed. This is one of the worst things you can do to another human. If you are unhappy, end it like an adult. Affairs are unbelievably devastating to the betrayed spouse. Just being the best dad I can now and trying to realize I may be better off without her. She also feels that she has done nothing wrong. No remorse whatsoever. These monsters have no regard for the damage they cause. I can only hope the “boy wonder” as she calls him cheats on her in the future so she can have as much fun as I am having.

  11. Beca

    “People do not have affairs if they are in fulfilling relationships and I am going to find a fulfilling relationship because I deserve it!”

    What you deserve is to find an egotist such as yourself who will pay you in kind.

  12. Deanna

    Cathy — You believe your own lies — Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. In your example: I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.

    One day, the lies you digested to your husband and kids will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth. No one deserves to be treated this way.


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