I had an affair.

I was deceitful, I was awful and I am not proud of my behaviour.
I didn’t mean for it to happen – but I always knew that it was a possibility.  And if he is really honest with himself, so did my husband.

We met when I was 25 and he was 31.  I thought he was sweet and kind and I found his gentle demeanour complimented my brain that never seemed to shut off. After 4 years of dating I gave him an ultimatum.  Marry me or I walk.

I know that sounds harsh but he is/was that guy.  Completely oblivious and in need of direction and my “A” type personality loved giving direction and loved being in control.
He proposed soon after and we were married on my 30th birthday.

I planned everything. He came from a big family so the wedding was large.  I remember asking for his input and he just didn’t care.  “Do whatever you want” was his favourite saying. This was to be the theme of our marriage – I just didn’t know it yet.

I own my own business and have since I was 25.  I work hard and am successful.  After we were married my husband began doing work for my company on a freelance basis.  We seemed to work well together but it was completely understood that my business was mine and his was his.  We had both signed a marriage contract specifically laying out the particulars so that there would be no grey area in the event of a divorce.

We had children and life got really busy.  My business was thriving and I was always being pulled in a million different directions.  My days were long and gruelling and I worked many evenings.  I was grateful that my husband could be home and give the kids the grounding they needed when I wasn’t around.

When I turned 40 I remember feeling extremely lonely.  I was happy in my professional life but no so much in my personal life.  Everything was up to me.  If I didn’t make plans, there were none.  If I didn’t plan vacations we didn’t take them.  If I didn’t arrange celebrations for birthdays, anniversaries, holidays etc they didn’t happen.  I told my husband that I felt unfulfilled, that we were missing a connection.  He would simply ignore me or tell me I was crazy.  I insisted that we go to a therapist and we did for a short time.

He tried.  He tried to make me feel special.  He tried to make me feel alive.  But it was short lived.  The reality was that he was never going to change and I was silly to think that he was.  I was sad and unhappy and knew that I should leave him but just didn’t have the strength or energy to do it.  There was no fighting or arguing which is not surprising because there was no passion.  In fact just the opposite:  pure complacency.

And then I hired “Richard” to help run my company.  I remember interviewing him and being so taken by his spirit.  He was alive – full of passion and interests.  He was a take charge kind of guy and after so many years of being a control freak – I was ready to have someone help out.

We ended up having an affair.  It was exciting and enthralling and I hadn’t felt so fantastic in years.  I had a new lease on life and the affair showed me that there was more out there for me.  I didn’t have to live my life with someone who clearly wasn’t my soul mate.  The affair gave me the strength to leave my marriage.

I often hear people say that no one leaves their marriage unless there is someone else.  That may be true but it is not always for the reasons they may think.  For me, being with someone else showed me what I was missing in my relationship.  The mere fact that I allowed myself to cross the line and be with someone else made going back and pretending my marriage was fine impossible.

My husband of course acted surprised by all this.  He was “shocked” that I had an affair and “shocked” that I wanted a divorce. However if he is ever really truthful with himself he would know that I tried to make our marriage work.  I tried to make him be the man I needed to him be.  I gave him 26 years of my life where I planned every minute of his day and I was finally ready to focus on myself.

I am no longer with Richard and am happily divorced.  Do I regret my affair? Not really. People do not have affairs if they are in fulfilling relationships and I am going to find a fulfilling relationship because I deserve it!

Cathy, 55

39 Responses to “Do I regret having an affair? Not really.”

  1. Anonymous

    This woman is a narcissist. Affairs not only impact your spouse, they impact everyone who loves you including your children. If she was unhappy she should have ended it. What sort of message is she sending to her children? There is no excuse for being deceitful. Even more disgusting that she sees no remorse. Her actions speak for itself. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      So sad when I read the sentence, ” I tried to make him the man I needed him to be.” Clearly she never “loved” him. I feel for him and the children but hopefully he will meet someone who values the person he is.

      Reply
    • George

      I lived this reality, interesting that there is no mention of the impact on her children…her only comment? “we had children”, It’s possible that there was no impact on her children…in an alternate universe, but I assure you that 5 yrs later my children are devastated and their life paths have been altered significantly. Shame on her. How arrogant and narcissistic, all about her needs

      Reply
    • Been there

      She also married someone that she felt she could change,,,,, you shouldn’t have to change who you are in a marriage.
      But because her husband was just being who he was, she leaves him.
      Yep selfish
      Don’t marry someone if you want them to change into someone else

      Reply
  2. Anonymous

    She wanted to make him the man she wanted,
    Lol, people are who they are and trying to make someone different is retarded. She obviously has all the issues here, right from the start by making this poor man marry her. That was on her and now she will live with the consequensces. No family love, no respect. Shame on you, your a “dumb ho”

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    What a loser! What a jerk!
    If you are as in control as you claim to be, so determined and successful, you would first be in control of yourself, to not cheat! You are in fact a leach! Keeping your husband by yourside to take care of your chores until u found the next one! You dont even consider thinking the amount of damage you might have caused!

    Reply
  4. Pepi

    My husbands affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was in a marriage that was exactly the same, I planned everything, except he hated everything I planned, except he wasn’t a very nice person to me or our children unfortunately, but I was young n unknowledgable. I always use to think while folding laundry or cleaning, “is this all marriage is suppose to be, is everyone I know that seems extremely happy really just acting”. It wasn’t till the separation that I got to find myself, to be me, to find my happiness. Thank you for sharing, it does take courage.

    Reply
  5. John

    ^^^You guys beat me to it. This lady is all about “me.” Glad you’re not my wife, honey.

    Reply
  6. Thank you

    It certainly does take courage to write something like this. People are quick to judge and don’t understand. You obviously did not go into this marriage expecting it to fail. People do the best that they can at the time and sometimes mistakes happen … no one is perfect. Life is too short to stay in a lifeless marriage. It usually benefits the other person as well if they can be mature enough to let go of the resentment.

    Reply
    • What are we all reading?

      Then why did she not get a divorce before starting to see other people? Female lack of logic shines again.

      If the marriage does not work, end it then and there. Then go and have your affairs, swinger parties and orgies.

      Reply
  7. Jamie

    Absolutely a narcissist! It’s unbelievable that a grown woman – a mother no less- could be so incredibly self absorbed! Definitely one of the biggest problems with today’s world and the lack of character in so many people. This woman literally (barely) mentioned her kids in passing as if they are completely insignificant!! Her poor husband is probably a nice guy that was blindsided….. gee, such a shame she wasn’t able to change him into whatever she wanted. (Wow!!) There are a WHOLE lot of rationalizations written here – none of which change what a selfish, mean woman she is! She’s the type of person that will probably now go after someone else’s husband without an ounce of remorse . Sad. And in the end the grass is not usually greener anyway……she needs to grow up and work on herself instead of blaming others for her shortcomings.

    Reply
  8. Anonymous

    Wow, what’s with all the name calling? Show me one perfect person and you will see one perfect world.

    Reply
  9. Kara

    Thank you so much for sharing. I just walked away from a very similar relationship so I know how easy it is to fall into the complacency of being married to someone who agrees with everything and how hard it is to walk away from the nice guy. To all those who are so judgemental, don’t judge anyone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

    Reply
    • Deborah

      Hopefully one day you’ll be paid in the same way you paid your ex-husband.

      Reply
  10. LogansDad

    My wife of 6 years recently did the same thing to me and our beautiful 4 year old son. Had an affair with a married coworker. I was completely blindsided. I tried for 6 months to work things out and get her to stop seeing the guy. Unfortunately, they are apparently “soulmates” and while she pretended to break things off with him several times, it was all a bunch of lies. Both marriages ended in divorce. I had always done all of the cooking, cleaning, yardwork, laundry, and most of the childcare. Now that we are divorced, she has her mommy take care of everything including most of the childcare. Her and her new man are very busy going out and pretending they are very important and high class. Very unfortunate for son but I did get shared custody. If not for her mother I would have fought to the death for full custody. I can’t believe what a crappy, selfish person I was married to. This woman sounds like she is of the same breed. This is one of the worst things you can do to another human. If you are unhappy, end it like an adult. Affairs are unbelievably devastating to the betrayed spouse. Just being the best dad I can now and trying to realize I may be better off without her. She also feels that she has done nothing wrong. No remorse whatsoever. These monsters have no regard for the damage they cause. I can only hope the “boy wonder” as she calls him cheats on her in the future so she can have as much fun as I am having.

    Reply
    • Get2it

      LogansDad, Don’t beat that dead horse mate. She doesn’t deserve anything from you; not even your anger. Don’t let what she did blind you to the woman out there that’s waiting to be by your side.

      Reply
  11. Beca

    “People do not have affairs if they are in fulfilling relationships and I am going to find a fulfilling relationship because I deserve it!”

    What you deserve is to find an egotist such as yourself who will pay you in kind.

    Reply
  12. Deanna

    Cathy — You believe your own lies — Cheating is the height of selfishness. In that world, there is a cheater and his/her perceived needs that must be met. Nothing else exists. In this narcissistic state of mind, there are a number of lies that must be told and believed before a cheater can even begin to think his/her plan is possible, let alone feasible. In your example: I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.

    One day, the lies you digested to your husband and kids will make you utterly sick. One day, the world you have created will face the world that is. Reality eventually trumps fantasy and you will wake up to realize the dream is actually a nightmare. The alarm cannot be snoozed. The deeds done in darkness will eventually be exposed in the light. Each and every lie will be addressed by the Truth. No one deserves to be treated this way.

    Reply
    • Been there

      Agreed…… don’t like it leave but dont re-write 26 yrs of history and blame him when it was clear the affair was you.
      Hope she explains to her new “soul mate” that her first marriage ended due to her own ignorance and infidelity, I am sure that will work well with trust. Once a cheater always a cheater.

      Reply
    • M Scott

      I can’t believe how much your comment has just touched my heart and encouraged me. Thank you!
      2 months ago I discovered my wife of 23 years in an affair with a friend. This guy is the married father of my youngest daughter’s friend. To add insult to injury upon discovering this my wife then left me, took the kids, filed for divorce, is still having secret rendezvous with this guy and lying about it to everybody. She is telling my children that I am dangerous, emotionally unstable, and making this up from my wild imaginings.
      All this from the person that I loved with all my heart. She was my best friend.

      I cannot begin to tell you how torn apart my heart is, how completely devastated I am, and how it has rocked my world to the core. I have continuous anxiety attacks, I cry daily, and I wonder if I’ll ever be whole again. Anybody who thinks an affair is harmless is a selfish ass and lacks integrity, character and courage to address issues like an adult.
      We have four children and they are all reeling as well. She has no regard for their hearts and she has damaged her relationship with her children forever.
      I can honestly say that I do not know if I will ever fully recover and I am choking up even now just writing this. It is absolutely true that there are issues and baggage in her life that this affair will not begin to address. It will also create many more issues for her to address on top of the other issues she is not dealing with.
      I can only hope that one day it will catch up to her and she will realize what a horrible mistake she made. But this will be of little consolation to me because I don’t know if my heart will ever be the same, if I will ever find love again, or if I am even worthy of love.
      Of course there were issues in our marriage – who doesnt have issues? But I was working on myself, going to therapy and making headway that both she and my children saw and liked. But she never worked on herself. Then came the opportunity and having been groomed by bitterness, resentment and believing sje was somehow disenfranchised she was prime target for the temptation ro take hold. And she took the bait.
      God only knows how long she will be caught in this whirlpool fantasy but it can’t last forever beciase eventually reality will catcj up with fantasy and the illusion will dissipate exposing it for what it truely was – deceit at it’s highest level.

      Make no mistake – affairs are incredibly destructive and damage people forever!

      Reply
      • Michelle

        Sending you strength and kind thoughts, i had the same thing happen to me March 2016 its absolutely devastating…..but trust in your self and you will pull through.

        I can go to sleep every night with a clear mind, i carry no guilt….priceless
        I have the love and respect of my children and family…priceless
        I have built a safe and happy loving environment for my family they are happy and secure with me…priceless
        I am now starting to really appreciate the person i am and gain strength everyday….priceless.
        I can now move slowly forward and hopefully meet someone new to share life with and give love and respect to that person with a totally guilt free clean slate…priceless.

        I suppose what I’m trying to say is at the moment your world has been devastated by someone else’s selfish needs, it won’t always be that way as eventually that wheel will start to turn and you will not be the loser in this situation you will look back and realise that your wife has done you a big favour and given you a new chance.

        I wish you all the very best for the future and keep strong you might not feel it now but bit by bit you really will heal.

        Reply
      • Butch

        i totally understand! My soon to be ex hooked up with a contractor helping her with safety issues at work. I was dedicated in every way possible to the point that everyone envied our marriage. I started each day off with her coffee and lunch in her warmed up car and then off to either work on the house before another job hop or take care of one of our several businesses. She turned out to be the most selfish person I have ever met and the day I caught her…she had posted on FB what a great best friend, husband and lover she could ever have….then turned once busted. Now, she is angry at me (notified the other spouse is the reason and “f’d up his life”and I screwed up their plans to leave both of us when their new consulting business was big enough.

        I trusted her with my life and thought we had a great life. Blindsided is not even close. Doing all the laundry, cooking, keeping a clean house and so much more….only to now be the rationalized fall guy to cover her cheating.

        Reply
  13. Brad

    If you fell out of love with him and like another man, fine. But leave your husband and end it first, don’t do it behind his back. You have ZERO moral integrity, no self respect and no respect for your husband. You lack any kind of virtue and clearly only care about yourself. You are a disgusting human being and the way you talk in this article makes this abundantly clear.
    You say “People do not have affairs if they are in fulfilling relationships and I am going to find a fulfilling relationship because I deserve it!”
    What makes you think you deserve anything? I hope some day you experience what he had to experience.

    Also if your new partner knows about your past then he is a moron, he should stay well away from you. He should look at your track record.

    Reply
  14. EyesWideOpen

    Any person who is willing to cheat with you is willing to cheat on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater…

    Reply
  15. Just be kind

    I feel that this woman’s open heartfelt nature is refreshing. Living among a shame based culture that deems the body to be ‘the property’ of another is stifling at best. There are many relationships where one partner is abusing the other, and less anger is directed towards the abuser than a person who has fallen in love with another person. Love is never bad or wrong, it’s how it’s handled.

    When I see people having affairs, I don’t immediately deem them horrible or bad as people are inherently fallible. I don’t in fact claim to know anyone’s situation, or what drove them to feeling as though they have no way out of an unhappy situation. This shaming and judging is a mere reflection of what is unbalanced in our culture. We project an uber sexualized media out into the world, where watching violence and porn is o.k, in fact is making people billions of dollars..but somehow falling in love with a person is deemed to be a vile ace??

    Personally, I feel affairs are really no ones business but the people involved in them. Why do we nitpick at others when there are bigger issues to work on? Why not look at yourself and work on why it is you feel the need to hurt and objectify others in your judgement?

    Maybe it’s just me, but what others are doing in the bedroom is not for me to criticize or demean. If love was leading the way, we would not scrutinize and shame, period.

    Peace is the way, not hatred, love is the way, not judgment or fear.
    It took courage to write this, thank you!

    Reply
    • Love fosters growth; love does not advocate evil

      To ‘Just be kind’,

      Peace or love is no excuse to tolerate wrong-doings. True love help people to grow better – by correcting mistakes when needed, not to allow people to fall even more.

      There is a huge difference between 1) people who make mistakes, but regret them and want to become better, and 2) people who feel like they can abandon moral values to get what they want. These people will only get worse at manipulating and demanding the world until they receive their karma.

      Deceit in a mental world is like stealing in physical world. Like mentioned previously, if a person does not like his/her boss, quit, but don’t steal. Likewise, if a person does not like the spouse, quit, don’t cheat. Don’t sign a marriage contract then think of ways to circumvent the agreements. No one forced her to sign the marriage contract!

      Reply
    • M Scott

      You are a spineless turd. If more people actually got involved there would be alot less broken hearts and damaged souls.
      Affairs are EVERYBODYS business because they damage everyone connected to the parties whether they be family or friends.
      Affairs are needlessly cruel and completely unnecessary. They want their cake and eat it too.
      The time to decide on an affair was before you got married.
      You made a choice, you spoke an oath, you made a covenent. Now stand on that and be faithful to you and your spouse. At least have enough respect for yourself and the person you promised to love to getvout BEFORE you mess around.

      Reply
  16. Disgusted

    You are an utterly disgusting and self absorbed woman. You contradict everything that you say about your choices by following it up with a way to blame your ex. You represent everything that is wrong today, especially with women who are raised to be entitled and never learn to be accountable. That man is so lucky to be rid of you, and deep down you probably recognize it as well, which helps you to rationalize how you treated him.

    Have fun, because the clock is ticking and soon you won’t be able to land another man that’s less than 20 years your senior and your children will resent you for being such a monster.

    Reply
  17. Beatris

    my husband did the same 3 years ago. He went with his financial assistant, which first was learning from him. I had been married for 16 years. I left my country to be with him. One day we had a Xmas party with his staff and I met her. Every time I approached her she runned away from me, something I found very stranged. Days later, my husband broke the news, frist saying that he realised he didnt love me, that he couldnt see himself getting older with me. That just broke my heart. We had 3 gorgeous kids. Off course we had issues and at the time he made them VERY CLEAR and most of them were my fault. I went back to my country with my kids for a cooling time with the hope he will think, things better. When I came back , I found through a neighbour that he found my husband with another woman…once I confronted him he couldnt denied it. They were going out for coffees since the day of the Xmas parties or even before. Since then, I have heard all the things I have done wrong in the marriage. Even thou he has asked forgiveness, after 3 years we are divorce, kids life were not spare, he still with her. She won. SHe is younger obviously. ANd now I am left with complete lack of confidence, feelings of abandonment, I feel i am the worst monster in the world, specially when I see him so careless, like if he just make rid of a dog or an old bag. I found it so hard because we promised that if we stop loving each other, we will tell each other specially if you consider of having an affair. And the promised was made specially in the basis that I left my family, friends and country. ANd now, I lost his family, friends that have to choose…so is not a win. ANd my heart is so broken that I dont know how I will recover.
    I dont know how this girl could do what she did, when she knew my kids and she knew he was married, obviously nowadays, the morals doesnt exist.

    Reply
    • Tryingtomoveon

      I can totally relate to this. My STBX, said the same to me. She didn’t love me anymore, couldn’t see herself growing old with me, and that I should have known how unhappy she had been. Telling me how unhappy she had been, would have helped. Showing signs of being totally unhappy would have helped. I was totally blindsided. And yes, of course it is all my fault. It is my fault that she wanted to be, and is with someone who I called a friend. Having an affair, it’s of course the betrayed spouse’s fault, we have given them no choice. I think not. Choices are made. And worst of all, which is unforgivable, we have young children. They are the innocent victims. But, people who have affairs do not put themselves below their children, quite the opposite. I offered marriage therapy, declined. That tells me enough, it’s all about the her. I’ve been to hell, contemplated things I never knew I would. My children come first, I would and could not do something so selfish to them. The divorce is soon to be done. I’m a little fearful for the future, fearful of the affect all of this will have on my children. I will do my best for my children. I’m not sure I will ever trust again. It’s been hard, very hard. But I feel that she does not deserve me. Like all marriages, ups and downs. I, of course, could have been a better man/husband. But, I put the kids first, and that is a blemish on my part, according to her. I will always put my kids first. She said that she wants a life, off she goes. I’m not sure that is what her children are interested in. Not whilst they are young.

      Reply
  18. Katy

    Wow. Blown away by all the judgment here. She loved her refusing-to-commit husband who was probably happy to have sex with her but would not marry her till she gave him an ultimatum, and he just stayed passive for 26 years. So her big mistake was loving him too much and hoping that things would change after they got married. Her life sentence. That is a living hell, believe me. Men are not supposed to dominate women but they need to be adult men and should care about their partners. His being so passive about the wedding was also a big sign. He just wanted to be taken care of himself. Why is she the narcissist and not him? Sounds like if she had not been working her ass off, they would not have had a roof over their heads. Sounds like he just decided that what was right and comfortable for him was all he needed to do, ever. That is lonely. Loneliness is hell. She said she was not proud of what she did. She knows it was wrong but in retrospect it was the thing that kept her sanity. Would he have been shocked if she had simplyi said, “I want a divorce” without her having an affair? Yes, he would. Would you all be judging her if she had divorced him first and then had a relationship? I think yes, you would. Because her big sin was leaving her husband, who even after therapy refused to do anything. He was doing what was convenient and easy for him, and is she did not like it, she was supposed to suck it up and be the good obedient wife. Shocked. This judgment is the reason our country is in such turmoil. Not her divorce. I get that many of you have apparentlyi been left and that this is horribly painful. I have too. But in the end I had to admit that we were incompatible from the outset and that to stay together was to guarantee a life of frustration and loneliness for both of us. We are only human. For those of you out there who are Christians and attached to the law, remember that. You are human. You are not God. Only God is God. And if you call yourselves Christians than you ought to believe in forgiveness and recognize that you are also only human.

    Reply
    • Amanda. 123

      Clearly you haven’t read the whole story…….. He was staying with children when she was working full time………… Until she was 40, she didn’t care about family and suddenly 10 years later she realized she wasn’t happy because her husband was taking care of family they both built and also helped her wife in her business…………….. But no, instead of appreciation for her husband she cheated on him……….. Her husband was first ignored here, her husband was more stressed than her in this relationship…….. She killed his romance by only focusing on her professional career and not her family……………. She is really narcissist

      Reply

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