Sadly, my “first” marriage has ended in a divorce.
And this summer will be my “first” time alone.

The “first” have just kept coming.
Nothing could have prepared me for how awful each and every one of those “firsts” have been.

“First” weekend alone – awful. My kids were with their dad and I was a mess. However I got through it knowing it was only 2 days.

“First” birthday alone – not so bad. I had my kids around me and my parents and so it was easier – the anticipation was worse than the actual day.

“First” Summer alone – I am filled with anxiety and trepidation. I am struggling with holding it together and managing my feelings. I don’t want my kids wondering if I will be okay while they are gone. They are so connected to me that I know they are worried.

It seems so surreal to me. My husband and I waited all year for our summers. The kids would go to sleep over camp and we would have a month all to ourselves. We would behave like newlyweds and have the time of our lives basking in no responsibility.

We always knew we were still in love once the summer hit. It was OUR time and while many of our friends were sad not to have their kids home for the summer, we were thrilled to be alone.

But last summer we realized something had gone very wrong in our marriage. We travelled, we went out, we tried everything not to notice that we weren’t connected. The summer went by so quick but by the time the kids were home from camp we knew we were in trouble.

We went for therapy and tried to salvage our marriage. But we had grown apart and it just seemed that the marriage had run its course. Through the sadness, we decided to separate and promised to make it amicable.

And here I am – days from putting my kids on the camp bus and stuck with the reality of really being alone. People keep telling me it will be great – a chance to discover myself and reinvent. They say “It’s what I need” but how can they know what I need?

I feel lost but know that just like all the other “firsts” I will get through it.
I have no choice!

So here is to the summer of ME….

Patty, 42

7 Responses to “My First Summer Alone…..”

  1. Anita

    You will get through it. I’m 55 and was married 34 years. I have plans–travel with my sister and a singles travel group (I went white water rafting 2 weekends ago–a very thrilling “first”). Visiting friends walking with another meetup ladies group. Patips and drinks with friends. Work…I am building a new life and learning to love myself and my kids are grown so they aren’t coming back from camp. You can do it. Just get busy..

    Reply
  2. So disgusted

    I understand that things change and relationships end but the reasons for the end of this marriage seem flimsy. Marriages change and have seasons of disconnection, love. And sometimes hate. Everyone just seems to quit now if they are no longer “in love” . What about family and kids and responsibility. Thrown away because of “personal” unhappiness. People are just so entitled and spoiled. How many relationships will your kids see you through? I believe if people can part amicably and stay friends and say they care then they could also stay married. Grow up.

    Reply
    • Jen

      @ So disgusted – quite a harsh analysis of a subject you know little about, someone else’s marriage!
      I think personal happiness of both parents/partners is one of the most important aspects of keeping a marriage and family together.

      You can’t pour from an empty cup, jus sayin!

      Reply
    • Anonymous

      So disgusted…your words are so harsh, cruel and judgemental. Do you think someone is going to completely tell the whole story as to why their marriage didn’t work. If you have nothing good to say then don’t say it. Keep you narrow mind to yourself…you yourself should grow up.

      Reply
    • Sue

      why are you even reading this article?? Clearly you have never walked a step, let alone a mile, in someone else’s shoes. STFU you judgmental POS.

      Reply
  3. Reality check

    tell me something. Was your first sexual experience with your husband? Was his with you?

    I strongly believe after a long life that amazing sex can only happen between truly connected commited people that have explored the ultimate expression of love together from the beginning, you never forget your first they say – newsflash every intimate encounter stays with you on mental emotional and deeply physical levels.

    I hear the arguments that you wouldn’t buy a car without taking it fr a test drive, for so many reasons though that doesn’t relate. And commiting to a marriage is not as big as buying a car.

    But in our world now we trade in life partners like we trade cars. When we become unhappy with performance or our partner gets a few scratches or their motor whines a bit we look to a newer better car. Lol.

    Keep test driving partners, so you can offer yourself up used to the one when you finally meet them or wat until your prince or princess comes along – take your time be selective and test drive them as friends – sex is natural and it will always be good if you are open with the love of your life and willing to explore firsts together.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Why is “so disgusted” even subscribing to this page? STFU judgmental POS.

    Reply

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