Sadly, my “first” marriage has ended in a divorce.
And this summer will be my “first” time alone.
The “first” have just kept coming.
Nothing could have prepared me for how awful each and every one of those “firsts” have been.
“First” weekend alone – awful. My kids were with their dad and I was a mess. However I got through it knowing it was only 2 days.
“First” birthday alone – not so bad. I had my kids around me and my parents and so it was easier – the anticipation was worse than the actual day.
“First” Summer alone – I am filled with anxiety and trepidation. I am struggling with holding it together and managing my feelings. I don’t want my kids wondering if I will be okay while they are gone. They are so connected to me that I know they are worried.
It seems so surreal to me. My husband and I waited all year for our summers. The kids would go to sleep over camp and we would have a month all to ourselves. We would behave like newlyweds and have the time of our lives basking in no responsibility.
We always knew we were still in love once the summer hit. It was OUR time and while many of our friends were sad not to have their kids home for the summer, we were thrilled to be alone.
But last summer we realized something had gone very wrong in our marriage. We travelled, we went out, we tried everything not to notice that we weren’t connected. The summer went by so quick but by the time the kids were home from camp we knew we were in trouble.
We went for therapy and tried to salvage our marriage. But we had grown apart and it just seemed that the marriage had run its course. Through the sadness, we decided to separate and promised to make it amicable.
And here I am – days from putting my kids on the camp bus and stuck with the reality of really being alone. People keep telling me it will be great – a chance to discover myself and reinvent. They say “It’s what I need” but how can they know what I need?
I feel lost but know that just like all the other “firsts” I will get through it.
I have no choice!
So here is to the summer of ME….