My husband and I have recently decided to separate. It has been a brutal process to get to this point and we both feel that we need some time apart to really figure out if we are “done.”  We mutually decided that he would get an apartment nearby and I would stay in the house with the kids.  We told our family and friends that we were separating and have answered everyones questions.  We knew that this would be a difficult process and we knew that our friends and family would be upset, but we had not idea that EVERYONE would have an opinion on our situation and have no problem sharing.

“How do you get Divorced?” my mother asked.  I have told her over and over again that I am not sure if I am getting divorced – just taking some time to figure it out.  She thinks I am crazy.  “Once your husband leaves the home you are doomed” she has now told me 50 times.  Start the Divorce Process, Hire a Lawyer, Protect Yourself! She is ready to do battle and thinks I am naive to think that we can effectively work on our marriage in separate residences.

My father wants me to hire a private investigator.  He is convinced that my husband is having an affair and that he is testing the waters before he actually leaves.  I have explained on countless occasions that this is mutual that we are both unhappy with our present situation and that we are trying to work on our marriage.  He doesn’t want to hear any of it.  He is ready for me to do battle and make sure I am protected.

My children are completely confused.  “I don’t really understand”, my 15 year old daughter recently said to me.  “Your either in a relationship or your not.”  How do you respond to that? I found it next to impossible to explain that years of a relationship can have its own problems and sometimes it’s not that simple.    She doesn’t understand nor should she…. she’s a child.

My friends also think I am crazy.  “Pull the Band-Aid off” one of my closest friends said recently.  “Why are you delaying the inevitable and wasting more time? Her advice is for me to get divorced – and she assured me that if I need help to figure out how to get divorced she would connect me.  Her opinion is that 99.9% of separations end in Divorce and I am being delusional.

All of these opinions have definitely had an impact on me.  Am I naive? Am I delusional? Is this just a way of holding on for both of us because we are both to scared of what getting Divorced really means? Are we both just so afraid of change that we are trying anything and everything to make it not happen?

I unfortunately don’t have the answers – I am not ready to get Divorced despite what everyone else thinks.  I guess time will tell.


Sonya, 44

2 Responses to “How to Get Divorced – and should we thinking about this right now?”

  1. Jeff Allen

    My wife and I separated for a short time 3-5 months after 10 years of marriage but we worked our way back. It wasn’t easy and i’m not sure living apart was the correct choice but at the time it was. Life is constantly changing and we do to different career paths, new hobby’s, children, and deaths all have a significant impact that we don’t factor in when we get married generally. Then there is sickness / illness and a whole number of events in our lives that change who we are sometimes for the better sometimes not and all these factors can change your relationship. For me I think its important to be honest with yourself and ask yourself the hard questions. Are you not getting divorced because you are scared of being alone? Are you not getting divorced because of your kids? As I see it the only reason to remain in a marriage is because you want to be married to your spouse all other reasons are excuses and if you continue the relationship in my opinion will fail.


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