My wife and I were married for 16 years.  We both had great jobs but she was definitely the bread winner of the family.  She had a strong work ethic and worked hard! I did everything I could to support her and her thriving career.   We were married for 16 years with 4 children and I thought we were happy.

One day she came home from work and told me she wanted a divorce.  I was shocked.  In fact to be perfectly honest, I was decimated.   I couldn’t believe it — it didn’t make any sense.  No warning, no therapy – nothing! I asked if there was someone else and she said no – she was just not in love with me anymore.

I was crushed.  I loved my wife and I didn’t want to lose my family and my kids.

I felt like I was dreaming – how could this be happening? I was sure that there was someone else – and of course there was but she wouldn’t admit it.

She tried to get me out of the house – and I wouldn’t leave.  My lawyer was insistent that I stay until we had a sound separation agreement.  It was so stressful. I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t help myself – when she would come home at night I would badger her to tell me who the boyfriend was.  I just couldn’t move forward or move on.  Everything was out of control and I was spiralling down.

As I slipped into a depression my family pushed me to move out.  I got an apartment and had every intention to make a home for my children.  Unfortunately the depression overtook me and I couldn’t care for myself, let alone my kids.

I would often go back to our house to get things… clothes, files, any excuse to go back.  My ex grew frustrated and kept warning me not to come back.  I was determined to show her that she didn’t have that kind of control over me.  I came as I pleased and I was certainly not going to let her control me anymore.

Inevitably my visits would end up in fierce screaming matches.  She would taunt me and yell at me to leave her house.  This would make me irate and I would scream louder.  She always retaliated by calling the police.  She told them she was feeling threatened and the police were there in an instant.  It was somewhat crazy – the police had no legal right to remove me from my marital home – yet they were obligated to answer the call.  She did this with my kids at home so she couldn’t lie and say I was physical with her.  She wasn’t satisfied with ruining my life – she was determined to ruin me and was happy to sacrifice the kids well being for her selfish pursuits.

The effect on me was massive.  I sunk from depression to despair and stopped functioning.  I didn’t leave my apartment, I didn’t see my children, I didn’t go to work.  I ceased to exist and was not able to help myself.

My family finally intervened and brought me to the hospital.  I was hospitalized and was put on anti-depressants.  I went through weeks of counselling in an effort to bring me back to a functioning member of society.

I have made great strides to regain my life.  What I haven’t been able to get past is her calling the police on me.  What I didn’t know was that calling the police during a divorce was “a thing”.  Apparently many women use it as a strategy during their divorce.  The police are obligated to come when they get a domestic abuse call.  I have subsequently met many men who have experienced this.  One man I met told me how during his separation his wife called the police and said he pushed her.  The police came and arrested him.  He sat in jail for 2 nights as it was the weekend.  When he finally got in front of a judgel, it came out that his ex hit him first and he simply pushed her off to protect himself. But it doesn’t really matter – damage was done!

I am doing much better now.  I feel it is important for my story to be told as had I known that calling the police was a “thing”, I would not have kept going back.  I would have figured out how to protect myself in those situations and never ended up in such an awful place.

 

Len, 48

8 Responses to “When your ex calls the police on you!”

    • Lizzy McPhee

      Unless otherwise stated people who have physically separated are looking for space.Perhaps it is because one has some kind of relationship going on already or is contemplating one.Unless it is clearly stated that you are “going back together” it could be just a lot of dead time.Hurt people don’t do dead time well.If a party is seriously adjusting and wants to get on with their life the worse thing the ex can probably do is deposit themselves on the doorstep.The partner is adjusting to new schedules,routines,relying on different resources,and probably just needs space.I felt like I couldn’t have my supportive female friends around me in my home if my ex was living out the fumes of our joint lives. I still loved him,there was no one else in my life and he was a really good guy but it kept me not moving forward or backward.I suspect that this guy’s ex just needed to move on and how does anyone do that with the elephant in the room . It is invasive and it discourages any further movement for the previous partner. So, really this man was clearly becoming a problem and felt that he had the right to occupy her space when he had one of his own. She could have put her coat on when he showed up,asked how long he intended to visit with the children and then returned at that time. Eventually he might have realized that she was not interested in visiting with him or even going about her duties ignoring him.She chose to have him removed.He even,at the time of his writing,doesn’t seem to accept that breaking up means just that. The individuals determine how they want to use their time. It is hard for both parties but people who feel as if there is no hope left for a relationship. They have to move on and no one ever really moves on if they can’t live their own lives when they are still trying to leave huge spaces in their lives for their ex.Priorities change.I feel sorry for this fellow but really everything isn’t about him and his needs.

      Reply
    • Lady 1980

      This doesn’t just happen to couples. A professor called the police because I e-mailed saying how he should take it easy on me because I like him a lot. He didn’t want his wife to get jealous, so he called the police to my parents residence. It is abuse of power and underhanded power struggles by fueled by petty cowards. Forgiveness makes them feel scared, too! They don’t trust anyone and are cruel, flirt like crazy and bully with no shame.

      Reply
  1. Betty Paquette

    Domestic abuse is devastating to all who are involved. Children are the most innocent of victims and potentially the most damaged. Current laws, rules and protocols are outdated and harmful.
    Marriage/co-habitation is a contract that in its current state must be changed as well as earned. Courses could be created for high school and college/universities to teach the skills and supply the tools such as negotiation and compromise to create a successful union. The needs, expectations, wants, desires and goals for the future must be agreed upon. Conflict resolution, division of resources and chores, financial needs and expectations and faith and value systems must be discussed. Courses on child rearing exploring expectations, discipline styles, cost of raising a child, current laws etc. should be mandatory.
    Current divorce laws as well as procedures must also change. Being forced to remain in the marital home for financial reasons is a recipe for disaster. A divorce must be earned, the separation immediate and the financials attended to by a third party to ensure fairness. Counselling to address the unresolved issues should be mandatory for at least six months. Children must receive counselling as needed and made a priority and placed with the parent least likely to cause damage otherwise with family or court appointed guardian. If the separation is contentious then a third party must mediate on the behalf of the children keeping a safe distance between the parents.
    Resolving the issues and creating a co-parenting plan that is revisited on a regular basis is the goal to be earned before a divorce may be granted. The financials after the necessities are resolved should be to the benefit of the children until their education is complete or have reached the age of majority.
    These are my thoughts on potential solutions. You may use them or lose them.

    Reply
  2. happy now

    I agree absolutely with Betty Paquette. I know of lawyers, doctors, counsellors who are unable to help due to the inadequate laws. When a person seeks help to save a marriage then the laws should help not hinder. Teen children should not be permitted to choose one parent over the other unless counselling has been mandated and they have explained their reasoning. This right to choose should come with the responsibility of explaining. This way one parent cannot ‘play’ the children….which is harmful to those children. Also, when entering marriage I think it important that a ‘contract’ is made for the expectations of employment, raising children, chores, finances, responsibility for making healthy choices – physically and mentally so that there is not a drain on the whole family by one persons poor choices, apathy or inaction. And mandatory counselling when one party asks for it – a spouse cannot help with depression if the ‘unwell’ person refuses to seek help yet is in no fit state to make that decision, and becomes threatening when the spouse is trying to help. We need to understand that love alone cannot make a marriage….it is similar to a business partnership and when one party stops turning up for work the business will either be sustained by the other working doubly hard to compensate…..or the business will fold.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous

    Yes I am in a nasty divorce she would shove my shoulder trying to get me to fire back. I had raised my kids for 7 years as she had to have a restaurant. She had called for divorce 3 times in 17 years of marriage I finally called for the divorce her last statement before I left is if I had a gun I would shoot you. She had attacked me with a knife before so I did not take it lightly. 16 years of emotional abuse once I learned what emotional abuse. She had told me she was going to break me shared parenting but hadn’t seen my kids in a year as she admitted about calling me down in an sworn statement. She is on her 4th lawyer yes I am going broke and sinking into depression Seems the system don’t care about any of this as I am willing to give up half and move on as with my kids (3) they as old enough to realize it takes 2 to have a relationship. Can’t talk directly to her as everything is about her only so sit on a fence waiting for the lawyer to do something. Just want to pick up the pieces and move on can relate to Len’s statement.

    Reply
  4. Soon to be single

    I’m going through divorce I want to have no arguments no talking for the children while all my wife does is call the cops every night I sit in the family room and watch TV or play with my daughter and a cop show up she says I hit her I’ve never hit a woman in my life but yet the cops told me it’s probably best if I move out my lawyer tells me to try to make it work until the divorce is final I don’t know what to do I stay I do nothing I’m silent I don’t talk to her I ignore her as if she wasn’t even here and focus on my daughter and she continuously calls the cops on me for nothing it’s kind of a joke at this point the cop show up and ask what happen I say absolutely nothing and they said that if she wanted to cut her hand she could say I did it and I’ll go to Jail. WTF

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Divorce Angels coming soon to Montreal, Winnipeg and Vancouver