I discovered my wife cheated on me with her boss after reading text messages on her phone.  Shocked, sad, hurt —  these were all raw emotions I felt burning inside.

However, I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of embarrassment that took over all those other emotions.  Even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, I was extremely embarrassed about this discovery.

My wife didn’t want to end our marriage – she said the affair with her boss just evolved over time and she still wasn’t sure why.  She convinced me that she loved me and that we needed to work on our marriage.  I agreed to couples therapy.

Let me start by saying that recovery from infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a marriage will face.  My wife cheated on me.  I still find it difficult to say those words.    What kind of man was I that I couldn’t keep her sexually happy?  These were difficult thoughts to process! I felt like a failure and was completely ashamed and didn’t want anybody to know – it threatened my sense of self, my ego and my masculinity.

At first, we didn’t tell anyone about the troubles that were occurring in our marriage – except for our therapist.  I kept asking myself “why was I so ashamed”?  I finally realized (with the help of my therapist)  that I didn’t want to be known as the man whose wife cheated on him.  Sounds so trite, yet people have sympathy towards  a women when their husbands cheat BUT when a wife cheats on her husband, the same people want to know what’s wrong with the husband.

After a year in therapy, I have learnt that feeling embarrassed by the adultery is a common feeling.  It is one of the many emotions that you must work through in the process of coping with an affair.

I have also learnt that:

  1. I am not alone! Infidelity is rampant in both males and females.
  2. Once I opened up  and started talking – I received support not judgment from my family and friends.
  3. There are amazing professionals who can help you through this journey. You don’t need to struggle with this alone.
  4. Most importantly, my  wife cheated on ME  and I had NOTHING  to be embarrassed about.

My wife and I are still attending therapy together.  We have good days and not so good days, and are working at overcoming our biggest challenge of regaining trust.

Time will tell.

Greg, 47

 

Go to the website for more divorce support

18 Responses to “The Embarrassment I Felt After My Wife’s Affair”

  1. GM

    It has been 7 months since D Day for myself as well. My wife felt she was unappreciated unloved and blamed me at the beginning. I uncovered detail after detail of her affair as she was very sloppy with hiding it.
    This has tested my character, faith, persona, manhood everything to my core. I took my wife to a phyciatrist immediately when I was 90% sure of her infidelity it was weeks of lying and hiding until I finally had her come clean. It was one of the saddest moments I will ever witness her in she was broken as I was shattered with betrayal looking for answers.

    7 months later and thousands of dollars spent on therapy I have learned that I DID NOTHING WRONG my wife’s issues from childhood have left her scarred emotionally. My wife played with her perfect life and her children’s future on the edge of an emotional cliff.
    Our marriage today is amazing better than ever my wife is the women I always wanted caring loving and kind the intimacy is on a whole new level.
    I think of her affair daily hourly and by the minute the only way I survived was by the minute then the hour then the day.
    My depression sunk so low I contemplated suicide.
    I leaned on my best friends 1 male and 1 female along with my brother and mother for countless hours of listening.

    This experience however has turned me into a better man father and husband.
    I went through a life changing tragedy 5 years ago with the death of a brother which I accepted and moved on. This event I gauge as 10 X worse his death was final the book closed this event still has many unanswered questions.
    When I reflect back month by month each month is better and I know my wife would give anything to undo her mistake.
    LIFE IS HARD
    I have learned it was not MY FAULT
    I have learned I am UNSTOPPABLE
    I have learned I am A GOOD PERSON

    I still do not know when I will forgive my wife I hope I find the strength too soon I feel she needs this as I need many answers from her but I do know she is not strong enough to go through this she stays silent with guilt grief and embarrassement. I do love her with all my heart after everything I long for the day this black cloud will drift away.

    Take the time to read my story it is a true testament on survival, trust me you will breathe again you smile again. Today is better than yesterday and the therapy has trained me too recognize the lows and lift myself past them. I hope someday my kids will never know what I did for them I feel like I saved there lives and have started a mold of a strong identity and a safe home so they can love there spouses the way they see my wife and I love each other now.

    The adrenaline I have is like a cage fighter I fought for my life and for my wife and kids !!!
    When she was lost

    Remember her AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU WILL SURIVIVE I AM SURVIVING !!!!
    I feel no EMBARRASSEMENT anymore more for her affair !
    GM ( 37 )

    Reply
    • Nick

      Every person we meet in our lives is there to teach us a lesson. We pay attention to people who hurt us. The people who hurt us the most give us the most valuable lessons, so learn the lesson pick up only positive things and energy. Say thank you to your teachers and move on. Now you are stronger than you were before. Take your time to think about this and you will be a better person and you will change your life for better. God bless you all stay strong and positive!!!

      Reply
    • VG

      Hi, it’s been about 6 weeks for me since d day. I ve had 3 d days. Of which I had to force the truth out. It’s was an affair of about 5 to 6 months. Of which I was the one who decided to put a stop on her dealings with the affair partner although I had suspected earlier. We r now in therapy in church. I’m so desperate destroyed I went crawl and begging back to God. To heal me, her, our family, and beg God to forgive her sin. I feel really cheap. I should be mad and bitter to her. But some how I’ve changed for the better. Rectify my faults and let God change my heart. But I still pretty damn cheap. Why do feel that I can let this woman do anything to hurt me so badly but yet I am still here being better and things are getting better for her. Feel it’s really unfair. Our children are still young. Why do I feel so cheap?

      Reply
    • Depressed

      It’s been almost two years since my D day although I had expected it for nearly the two years she was having it. An old high school boyfriend. I still get depressed a lot over it ,I do think it saved our marriage. It had been going down hill for years I was just to dumb to see it. I blame my self for pushing her to the point of breaking. She’s always been a great wife. I was blind. Still hurts. We get along pretty good , she can’t she loves me. Won’t kiss. We have sex once in awhile but not great ,I never new the difference between having sex and making love until now. I’m not sure what her hang up is she says she can’t trust me that I won’t treat her the I used to. That’s bee nearly four years since I was last a douche. She won’t allow me to be friends on Facebook. But she stil is friends on Facebook with the guys mom and wife. Not sure what to do

      Reply
  2. Greg

    Thank you for sharing this. Your words and perspective are extremely comforting. Really insightful to hear another man’s pain and emotions in coping with an extramarital affair. And your right, the strength is in the character of those who still love and are trying to work things out.

    Reply
  3. ninah ruid

    I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on!!!

    Reply
  4. Joel Kennedy

    Same story with my wife and marriage. I tried to make it work. We went into couples therapy. But my wife could.not be honest with me. She had the affairs and she was the one that wanted to end it. So I ask her to move and she did.
    This started over Labor Day 2016. She moved out in Jan 17. We don’t talk we just text and email about the kids. I am moving forward with my life. I have a great group of friends, my kids, work, music, and I’m dating.
    In the end I will be alright.

    Reply
  5. Anonymous

    So i was this bad boy just out of prison 6 months and i meet my wife or soon exwife as she filed the divorce yesterday. My big hang up is we started going to church like this woman had me so fooled. Then to still lie about it is a slap in the face. I did everything wrong. Blew up the phone email told her bosses wife via messanger and his mom who i had met once. I got a nco and a divorce. People dont take divorce as any big deal. What is it that makes someone do that. I wish she would have just killed me instead. And i live in like small town usa and her boss has a huge multimillion dollar business and im the bad guy right?!

    Reply
  6. Sam Utah

    Wife cheated on me as well. We were going through some tough times and she cheated on me with the same guy on two different occasions. Found out after the second time. Apparently her family and friends knew she was sleeping with him behind my back and was even Facebook friends with him. I felt so disappointed, disrespected and extremely embarrassed. Yet she tried to make it out to be my fault. Still love her but don’t know how to come back from something this devastating . Not sure if I want to.

    Reply
  7. Paul

    No one deserves to be cheated on, especially when your fully loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my wife would just be on her phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best hacker ; captainspyhacker2 AT gmail DOT com to help me check her phone. Now i know when She tells the truth because I receive all her calls, outgoing and incoming,see her whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to justify her loyalty and I found out that I guess right Now I have access to her phone remotely anything that goes in and out of her phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything,i hear everything

    Reply
  8. Shawn

    It has been 3.5 months since i found out my wife cheated. I should have seen the signs way back, distancing herself, increased phone time, generally being mean. When i finally confronted her she told me she had cheated a month prior. 1 week before out first anniversary (we are both 30, with a 3 year old). She moved out to her moms 2 days after she told me she cheated, claiming she needed ‘Space and time to clear her head” and i was stupid enough to A. Believe that’s what she was actually doing, and B. Not leave her alone, beg and pine to have her come back and fix our marriage, despite the fact that SHE cheated, SHE lied, and SHE left.
    She maninipulates everything, She cheated, it was my fault for not paying enough attention.
    I caught her at his house months after she said she cut ties, that was my fault as i should have gone there, How dare i?
    I was scolded and called psycho for telling her cousin she cheated on me, and for reaching out to the guy she is cheating on me with’s ex to learn if he was safe to be around my son (ive asked her not to have my son around him, and confuse him but she doesnt care and does it anyway)
    “Nothing is ever her fault, everyone besides her is crazy, how dare anyone call her out on her awful decisions and behavior?!” – Classic Manipulative Narcissist.
    I then found out that the original story i was told was only a portion of the truth, the affair had continued, it was not JUST physical or a one night thing like i was originally told, and then just a few weeks ago after i had been told numerous times she had cut ties with him, i caught her at his house. Every Wednesday (her day off) for the last 3 months she has totally fallen of the radar for 6-8 hours after dropping our son off at school (now i know that “errands” weren’t the reason for this)
    She claims that the one time i CAUGHT her at his house, was the only time she had been there and was “just there to talk”
    Even still i had agreed to marriage counseling despite the fact she has told me “i don’t love you” “i don’t want to be with you” and “i want to get a divorce” (hasn’t lifted a finger to file, and i had to clean out our entire apartment alone at 12:45am on New Years with our son sleeping in my car while she was at a party)
    She has shown a pattern of utterly destroying her entire social circle and moving on to the next one, after excommunicating EVERYONE from her previous social life. Only issue is she cant do that this time, we are married, and will share a child forever. She’s stuck in a satiation she will never full deal with as she is the most non-confrontational person ever.

    I am now fully aware she is a manipulative, destructive, selfish compulsive lying narcissist. However i still miss her, i still seem to only be able to dwell on the fond memories, and the idea of the family life we had been planning.
    When will i stop missing someone i should hate?
    We currently arent speaking AT ALL, and all my communication regarding our son goes through her mother. I have no intentions on speaking to her at all for at least 30 days.
    Im trying and TRYING to move on, not be in love with someone who hurt me in the most fundamental way possible. I cannot seem to shake it, i still miss her, i still feel in love with her. i want her to come begging for me back. So conflicted. Please advise.
    I am hoping Karma takes care of this one for me……….hoping and hoping.

    Reply
  9. Ed

    To me infidelity is a deal breaker kids or no kids. I’d never be able to trust her. My mind would go there every time she left the house and I’d seeth with anger every time I saw her. Everybody is different but I know me and I’d never get passed it. I’d rather be alone than be with a cheater.

    Reply
  10. Nightdog

    Would never be able to look at her again without seeing someone else’s face next to hers

    Reply
  11. LarryW

    One Hurt Dog.
    Its been over Forty Years since I found out my wife with two kids cheated on me more times than I could imagine.
    After I felt pain I had sex with 6 woman and divorced her ASAP.
    Now I am remarried with 4 new kids some times you get a bad apple.
    It takes a woman to forget a woman.
    But The pain will always be inside of what was done to you.
    That’s The Truth

    Reply
  12. Mark

    My wife confessed recently after I caught her secretly texting him. This was going on since a year probably as I have caught them together meeting earlier. My work requires me to be away from home during odd hours. I used to work nights and I have caught her several times going out without informing me, coming back home early mornings before I returned. And this man befriended her & slowly took her away. Lonely wife is a good opportunity. And when I confronted her she went all the way to call me a loser in life, she feels disconnected etc. I do not know how far have they gone. I do not know what comes next.

    Reply
  13. sczinger

    My wife took a job as a restaurant manager in March of 2016. It was a new establishment and very high end. Business is very good to this day. I had a regular
    9-5 and she had been looking for something more fulfilling and better pay for quite some time. We were married after an 8-year engagement later in September of 2016. She worked late nights and I worked days. We loved each other dearly and valued the times we were both off together, usually late, late weekend nights and the two evenings a week she would be off when I got home at 530. I am mid-50s and she is 10 years younger, both in good shape. Her kids are grown and out of the house as is my one daughter. This is our second marriage. In September of 2017 she seemed a little different. Just my gut talking. Close Friday/Saturday at 12 and count money but taking a little longer. I felt impelled to track her with an iPad for 3 weeks. One morning, when off work, she texted me she was running to the store and was there anything I needed. I said no. 20 minutes later iCloud showed she was at a park at 9 am about a mile from the restaurant she worked. I jumped in my car and went to the location and found her truck and her general managers truck parked nose to nose. I walked up to his truck where both of them were “talking inside” and knocked. She was very quiet when she stepped out. I said “so this is what it feels like” and drove away. This shows you how a person’s mind can hear and think what it wants and how the cheater can prey on those emotions. She told me later at home that he had been chewed out by the owner regarding the restaurant’s numbers and needed to talk. Becuase of her impeccable past with me I had a tendency to believe her. 2 months later, after acting perfectly normal she suddenly said she was not “in love with me anymore” and was going to move out. Said I was too old and my friends were too old and she wanted a more exciting life with younger people. He has promised her travel and going out more and… the grass is greener. She had gotten her tax check that day. I filed immediately, no kids, and uncontested by her, the divorce was final in 10 days. She moved out and her boss is spending time at her new apartment while his wife confronted him with all the emails and texts. His wife and I have compared notes. The two of them continue to deny any involvement but don’t know that they are being tracked by his wife. None of this should matter to me since i’m single again. I just want her to know that I am aware of all her lying and cheating to give me some closure. I can’t begin to think this will last for them since he has an 11-year-old daughter and his wife has not worked for 7 years. Can you say alimony/maintenance and child support for the next 7 years? Cha-ching.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.