I discovered my wife was having an affair with her boss after reading text messages on her phone.  Shocked, sad, hurt —  these were all raw emotions I felt burning inside.

However, I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of embarrassment that took over all those other emotions.  Even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, I was extremely embarrassed about this discovery.

My wife didn’t want to end our marriage – she said the affair with her boss just evolved over time and she still wasn’t sure why.  She convinced me that she loved me and that we needed to work on our marriage.  I agreed to couples therapy.

Let me start by saying that recovery from infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a marriage will face.  My wife cheated on me.  I still find it difficult to say those words.    What kind of man was I that I couldn’t keep her sexually happy?  These were difficult thoughts to process! I felt like a failure and was completely ashamed and didn’t want anybody to know – it threatened my sense of self, my ego and my masculinity.

At first, we didn’t tell anyone about the troubles that were occurring in our marriage – except for our therapist.  I kept asking myself “why was I so ashamed”?  I finally realized (with the help of my therapist)  that I didn’t want to be known as the man whose wife cheated on him.  Sounds so trite, yet people have sympathy towards  a women when their husbands cheat BUT when a wife cheats on her husband, the same people want to know what’s wrong with the husband.

After a year in therapy, I have learnt that feeling embarrassed by the adultery is a common feeling.  It is one of the many emotions that you must work through in the process of coping with an affair.

I have also learnt that:

  1. I am not alone! Infidelity is rampant in both males and females.
  2. Once I opened up  and started talking – I received support not judgment from my family and friends.
  3. There are amazing professionals who can help you through this journey. You don’t need to struggle with this alone.
  4. Most importantly, my  wife cheated on ME  and I had NOTHING  to be embarrassed about.

My wife and I are still attending therapy together.  We have good days and not so good days, and are working at overcoming our biggest challenge of regaining trust.

Time will tell.

Greg, 47

5 Responses to “The Embarrassment I Felt After My Wife’s Affair”

  1. GM

    It has been 7 months since D Day for myself as well. My wife felt she was unappreciated unloved and blamed me at the beginning. I uncovered detail after detail of her affair as she was very sloppy with hiding it.
    This has tested my character, faith, persona, manhood everything to my core. I took my wife to a phyciatrist immediately when I was 90% sure of her infidelity it was weeks of lying and hiding until I finally had her come clean. It was one of the saddest moments I will ever witness her in she was broken as I was shattered with betrayal looking for answers.

    7 months later and thousands of dollars spent on therapy I have learned that I DID NOTHING WRONG my wife’s issues from childhood have left her scarred emotionally. My wife played with her perfect life and her children’s future on the edge of an emotional cliff.
    Our marriage today is amazing better than ever my wife is the women I always wanted caring loving and kind the intimacy is on a whole new level.
    I think of her affair daily hourly and by the minute the only way I survived was by the minute then the hour then the day.
    My depression sunk so low I contemplated suicide.
    I leaned on my best friends 1 male and 1 female along with my brother and mother for countless hours of listening.

    This experience however has turned me into a better man father and husband.
    I went through a life changing tragedy 5 years ago with the death of a brother which I accepted and moved on. This event I gauge as 10 X worse his death was final the book closed this event still has many unanswered questions.
    When I reflect back month by month each month is better and I know my wife would give anything to undo her mistake.
    LIFE IS HARD
    I have learned it was not MY FAULT
    I have learned I am UNSTOPPABLE
    I have learned I am A GOOD PERSON

    I still do not know when I will forgive my wife I hope I find the strength too soon I feel she needs this as I need many answers from her but I do know she is not strong enough to go through this she stays silent with guilt grief and embarrassement. I do love her with all my heart after everything I long for the day this black cloud will drift away.

    Take the time to read my story it is a true testament on survival, trust me you will breathe again you smile again. Today is better than yesterday and the therapy has trained me too recognize the lows and lift myself past them. I hope someday my kids will never know what I did for them I feel like I saved there lives and have started a mold of a strong identity and a safe home so they can love there spouses the way they see my wife and I love each other now.

    The adrenaline I have is like a cage fighter I fought for my life and for my wife and kids !!!
    When she was lost

    Remember her AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU WILL SURIVIVE I AM SURVIVING !!!!
    I feel no EMBARRASSEMENT anymore more for her affair !
    GM ( 37 )

    Reply
    • Nick

      Every person we meet in our lives is there to teach us a lesson. We pay attention to people who hurt us. The people who hurt us the most give us the most valuable lessons, so learn the lesson pick up only positive things and energy. Say thank you to your teachers and move on. Now you are stronger than you were before. Take your time to think about this and you will be a better person and you will change your life for better. God bless you all stay strong and positive!!!

      Reply
  2. Greg

    Thank you for sharing this. Your words and perspective are extremely comforting. Really insightful to hear another man’s pain and emotions in coping with an extramarital affair. And your right, the strength is in the character of those who still love and are trying to work things out.

    Reply
  3. ninah ruid

    I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on!!!

    Reply

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