I discovered my wife was having an affair with her boss after reading text messages on her phone. Shocked, sad, hurt — these were all raw emotions I felt burning inside.
However, I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of embarrassment that took over all those other emotions. Even though I wasn’t the one who cheated, I was extremely embarrassed about this discovery.
My wife didn’t want to end our marriage – she said the affair with her boss just evolved over time and she still wasn’t sure why. She convinced me that she loved me and that we needed to work on our marriage. I agreed to couples therapy.
Let me start by saying that recovery from infidelity is one of the most difficult challenges a marriage will face. My wife cheated on me. I still find it difficult to say those words. What kind of man was I that I couldn’t keep her sexually happy? These were difficult thoughts to process! I felt like a failure and was completely ashamed and didn’t want anybody to know – it threatened my sense of self, my ego and my masculinity.
At first, we didn’t tell anyone about the troubles that were occurring in our marriage – except for our therapist. I kept asking myself “why was I so ashamed”? I finally realized (with the help of my therapist) that I didn’t want to be known as the man whose wife cheated on him. Sounds so trite, yet people have sympathy towards a women when their husbands cheat BUT when a wife cheats on her husband, the same people want to know what’s wrong with the husband.
After a year in therapy, I have learnt that feeling embarrassed by the adultery is a common feeling. It is one of the many emotions that you must work through in the process of coping with an affair.
I have also learnt that:
- I am not alone! Infidelity is rampant in both males and females.
- Once I opened up and started talking – I received support not judgment from my family and friends.
- There are amazing professionals who can help you through this journey. You don’t need to struggle with this alone.
- Most importantly, my wife cheated on ME and I had NOTHING to be embarrassed about.
My wife and I are still attending therapy together. We have good days and not so good days, and are working at overcoming our biggest challenge of regaining trust.
Time will tell.