I hated him.
The rage I felt for him when we divorced was unbearable. It kept me awake at night and on edge during the day. I was angry and hurt and I wanted revenge! Obsessing over making him feel the same pain, angst and discomfort, I found myself dreaming of ways to get even… to make him pay for what he did to me.
I couldn’t reconcile how someone who made me so miserable could take up this much space in my head.
I tried to get past him. My therapist suggested my unrelenting hatred was possibly a lasting love. She insinuated that if I truly hated him then I would feel apathy instead of fury. The craze meant I cared – on a deeper level she suggested I still wanted to be with him.
I scoffed at her analysis, thinking she clearly had misdiagnosed. How could I love and care for a man who ruined my self-esteem, treated me second rate – a man who cheated on and made me feel inferior on so many levels? This same man – who did not take care of me in our marriage – did not take care of me in our divorce. He provided his legal entitlements but did not extend concern beyond his monetary obligations. And for this I hated him! I was sure of it!
I wanted to show him I didn’t care anymore – that I had moved on.
I dated up a storm – I went online and really put my name out there.
But the dates wore on me. I didn’t connect with any of them. I felt empty inside and still raged on about my ex.
The night the papers came — he called.
He wanted to meet for a drink, saying he felt strange signing the papers alone. I conceded to meet him. The plan was to sign together over a cocktail. And I had other plans of making him feel as badly as I did.
But out night took another turn.
We talked of the past and the memories flooded through me.
His touch felt remarkable and I couldn’t deny our connection.
The rage turned to lust.
And the night spun magic!
That was three months ago and now I find myself still in this pattern. Swearing I wont sleep with him again. Convincing myself I do not still love him. Remembering the hatred I had begun to embody.
The emotions still linger on.
And I feel lost in this madness
How can we divorce?
How can that be the route for us when the sex is so passionate?
So my struggle has shifted from that of rage to limbo… and I question almost everything.
And the papers remain unsigned.