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Worn Out Today

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Good morning.

I am trying today.  Separated almost a month now.  I finally reached my limit with my perpetually unemployed emotionally and verbally abusive narcissistic husband of 23 years.  My oldest child is 22 and does not live at home; youngest is 16.  They all have their own lives so I am learning to be alone for the first time in my life.  I am the rock.  I have always been the financially responsible, emotionally available parent.  I hold everything and everyone together, both at home and at work. I’m normally fine with that because it helps me not concentrate, and thereby not dwell, on my own issues and anxieties.

I am having a hard time this week though.  My husband calls me every day with an update as to exactly what he has been doing all day.  The word “I” must leave his lips about 100 times per phone call.  In a month, he has not asked how I am doing or even how the kids are dealing. He had a very serious health scare last month and has vowed to change who he wants to be for the better however most days I only notice the same behavior, with the exception that he HAS to work since no one is paying his bills for him (I am still paying car insurance, phone for him and taking over family gym membership). I am trying to keep an amicable relationship since we have to speak to one another for the sake of the children, but I am really reaching the end of my rope.  On the 4th of July alone, I spent 3 hours with him picking up his new work truck. He hinted that he wanted to have sex (like it was my privilege), and texted me later for a loan until today (bet I never see a dime).  In the meantime, I am working, trying to take care of myself, and handling all of my children’s activities and needs.  I am so worn out today.

Today is also his 45th birthday, and he has already called me on the way to work this morning. I know I have to be nice to him today, and so does he.  I just know he is going to bother me all day long. I honestly don’t even say a word to him on the phone anymore. He talks literally the entire time about himself.

I am feeling beat down today and have no one I can talk to about this since I am the person that holds everyone else together.  I’m 43 years old and have no one to give me a hug when I need one.  Just sad today, I guess.

If anyone has any advice on how to get my husband to back off a little without starting WWIII, I could really use it.  I see a blow up in my future, probably this weekend when he stops by for more of his stuff.  I am so happy that I finally got him out, but it seems as if he is still trying to control me.

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