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The End of it

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My wife and I had been married for almost 19 years.  We had issues from the beginning as we were young and just starting to find out who we were.  We both dove head first into being parents the year after we were married and that’s who we became.   We were very much in love though and we had the “take on the world together” idea.  Things though were tough after our first child was born.  I didn’t see the depth of her depression.  I saw a person who was not taking care of herself and was neglecting her responsibilities.  She was a good mom.  That’s what she did do.  Past that nothing.  I would come home from 10 days of work and school to some of the biggest messes anyone has seen.  But I loved her for taking care of the baby and I would jump in and get everything back together for dinner and the next day.  This is where the codependency began.  I needed to take care of her and I did.  Sometimes really well and other times really awfully.

We fought sometimes physically and emotionally.  The fights were out of frustration usually.  Fast forward to the kids going to school and her being more able time wise to start back to school.  She got her GED and enrolled in college.  The first year was great.  I could really see her coming alive.  She transferred from the community college and into the main University right down the street.  She changed instantly.  She was wanting to go out and hang out all the time with her other friends.  She wanted to be a young college kid.  She bored of that routine which was fine with me.  I though cool she will be home more and will help me with kids stuff.  She didn’t.  And this is where for me the first of many trust issues began.  She, being a student did a lot of work online and on her computer.  She would be at it for hours.  One night I went into our room and found her computer open and open to a group chat board.  Her and a couple of her friends had turned a playful thing into an orgy of sorts with this one dude.  I played it off.  The sex was great between her and I but it was really starting to bug me that her time was all into this group thing.  It went on and got very secretive.  Our bedroom door would be locked for hours, etc…  It ended with a big blow up and the first time I thought about leaving.  That was in 2009.

In 2010, we moved from her home town to my hometown for new opportunities and to get away from her mother.  The business I worked at was sold and closed.  It was a mess but a good time to hit the road for new adventures.  When we landed it was rough but we got an apartment and tried to get going again.  At this point she was diagnosed as bipolar.  I did the only thing I could which was make sure she went to the doctor and saw her therapist.  It worked for a while.  The ugly thing about bipolar is that the manic cycle can seem so good.  We were doing things, having great sex, etc…   But with that manic cycle in retrospect came the wandering.  She started a very lewd and improper online relationship with my best friend.  I didn’t know it until much later.   We dealt with a lot of kid stuff and my distraction with everyday things kept me blind.  She graduated and got her BS and we moved about 45 minutes north for our kids to have a better school.  We built our first home together.  Things were pretty good.  That was two years ago.

Currently she has been working some less than ideal locations.  Working with young just out of college types.  They instantly gravitated to her and one really caught her attention.  They began an online thing and I found out about it and flipped out.  I got all nosy and clingy with our past how could I not. She blamed me for my reaction to her honesty.  She said it was nothing but when I found the IM thread it was way more than that.  We are now currently trying to figure out if divorce is it or separation,  I don’t know.   It sucks but her decision now is she wants to leave.  I keep trying but that ship has sailed.

Its probably for the good.  I believe we were both addicted to the relationship.  At least I hope so that would atleast give me path forward and help me understand the pain.

It will get better.  It will get better.

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