Sexless and Vain?
March 20, 2018 at 10:28 am
I am going to start with; my husband is the kindest, most caring, wonderful, generous, amazing man on the planet. I certainly do not treat him as well as he does me. He will do anything for me (well except the one thing I need)
Over the last 7 years, my husband and I have essentially had a sexless marriage. I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex. It was not until 5 years ago I realized it was an issue. We have been together for 12 years. It had gone from every weekend, to once a month, to six weeks. He then got the nickname “Alltel,” because our sex life went to only nights and weekends. He went to the doctor, and was prescribed Wellbutrin. Then we got married, He stopped taking his Wellbutrin and it went to rare. Please note, he was not depressed, he was taking it only to make me happy
Then the worst happened, the father of my children passed away, my 16-year-old daughter had a nervous breakdown, became depressed, suicidal, and so forth. You can imagine what that did to our marriage. When he would go out of town, he would always “take care of me.” Little did I know, that the last time we would have sex would be within weeks of the kids’ father passing. Do not think it was not for a lack of trying on my part. I would get “You’re tickling me,” “Please stop,” “I’m tired,” and a plethora of other excuses. at that time he was management in retail, so some days he would have to wake up at 3 AM for work, and other days, he would get home at 11 PM. Rarely did we go to bed at the same time (remember his nickname is Alltel). Fast-forward 2 years, I brought it to his attention that this was not normal. Guess what, we had sex. Two years went by, and I brought it up again. My patience was wearing thin, and I cannot be held responsible for anything that may happen. This time I told him he needed to go back to the doctor and be checked, because this is not normal.
In November, I again brought up the sexless marriage. He has refused to go to the doctor; he says this happens with all marriages, we are just in a slump. I said at this point, I am not sure how much more I can take, and brought up the subject of Open Marriage. He said he might be open to it. Again, we had sex. A couple of weeks ago, we went to the doctor (male) with what ended up being nothing, but they ended up having a manual rectal exam, and within seconds, he ejaculated. I was speechless when he told me. I was hurt, and honestly, it made me ill. I dry heaved for days. I have heard this is normal with a Digital Rectal Exam, but not a manual one. Within days I filed divorce papers (but he was not served), and made an Open Marriage contract. Last week I gave him both, and said the choice is yours
Now to stir up the pot more, I have been having sex with a person (let’s call him Bill Clinton) since before my husband and I met. Bill Clinton knew of our issues, and he knew I was not going to get any on my wedding night, so he gave me a wedding gift 2 days before I got married (he was right, it was nearly two weeks after marriage). I have no love for Bill Clinton; it is purely a sexual relationship. He is married and has his own life. Fast forward 13 years, and Bill Clinton and I still meet for lunch once and a while. In the meantime, I have met two other men, which we meet up on a regular basis. Again, no love amongst us. One has a girlfriend (let’s call him Farmer Joe), and the other is married (let’s call him Stick). All three know about each other. My husband knows two of the three men (he met Bill Clinton because we used to work together; he sees Farmer Joe on a regular basis – as we socialize together frequently). Bill Clinton and Stick come back because I am damn good at it – and they have told me so (they are not in a sexless marriage, but the excitement is gone). Stick even told me, “You have a unique and amazing gift.” I am not sure why Farmer Joe comes back, because our escapades are very vanilla.
Do I love my husband? Yes, but am I in love with him? No. As you can see, I love sex. It was not until the last 6 months where I have come to the realization, I am addicted to sex. Am I vain to base a marriage on sex?
I think your best option is to get professional help to assist you in figuring out the answers to your questions. Ask your primary care physician for a professional counselor reference. You owe it to yourself and to your husband. Right now you don’t have much of a marriage.