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Overwhelmed with emotions

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Erin

We’ve been together for 11 years, married for almost 6 years. Since the beginning, I’ve always known he was an alcoholic, but he would keep trying to quit, including going to AA meetings. Lately, it’s been getting worse. He drinks heavily (to the point he’s drunk), about once every three months. And afterwards, there seems to be fraud charges on his credit card, losing his ID or phone, etc. At this point, I am so tired of being worried and angry at this behavior. He promises not to do it again and asks for forgiveness. But, I can no longer stand this behavior; I stay awake the entire night until he comes home at 4am (he goes out to drink on weekdays so I have wake up early for work, which results in loss of sleep for me). I even once went out at 4 am to look for him. To top it off, he has TBI and takes lots of medication and walks with a cane. So, his mental capabilities are a bit lacking (even though it might not seem like it). Although this is not the only reason why I want to divorce him, it was the final straw. Besides drinking, he’s terrible with his finances. A few years ago, he decided to do some investing with his best friend to make fast money. And got into over $30k in debt (I wouldn’t be surprised if it was $50k). I actually had to make a financial plan for him to get out of debt and manage his money better.
At this point, I think neither of us are happy. When I get very angry, I tend to give him the silent treatment (I know it’s not a good way to react). And for this last drunk episode, he thought it was sufficient to message me a short apology about it, which doesn’t even cover WHY I’m disappointed in him. And I found out that he texted his friend and was saying how he basically hated living in this hellhole and would recommend to everyone to NEVER marry. I knew we were both unhappy, but to see that he thinks HE’S the one living in a hellhole is pretty upsetting to learn, especially considering the things he put me through (so much more than just the things I mentioned above). All I want is a divorce now, even though the thought makes me depressed and I end up crying each night. Now, I’m just planning the logistics of it before I tell him. And hope that it doesn’t give him a seizure (a few years ago, when I told him I don’t want kids, he had a seizure later that day; it might have been connected due to the shock he got).

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