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I’m to blame but it still hurts like hell

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I lied to my wife about smoking cigarettes. I knew it was a huge thing for her so I hid it. I even sank to stealing cash she/we had been given for presents so she wouldn’t see the money coming out of our joint account when I bought cigarettes.

Earlier this year I confessed and was blessed to be given a second chance. But then after 2.5 months I had a relapse and took money again for cigarettes.

It nagged away at me and after a few days I confessed – and then confessed in more detail to money I’d taken in the past. I just wanted a clean slate.

But I’d blown my second chance. My wife said she couldn’t trust me any more and I’d probably lied about lots of other things over the years.

In that moment I said the only other thing I could think I’d hidden from her was occasionally masturbating/watching porn.

I’d always thought of it as just a thing guys did. But my wife saw it as akin to cheating – yet more betrayal of trust.

And now … now she wants nothing to do with me. She says as far as she’s concerned we’re divorced – just need to sign the papers.

I know I’m to blame for it all. I know I was a thoughtless, selfish fool … but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell.

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