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Dazed and confused

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After being widowed I was the poster child for vulnerable. Then I fell head over heels in love with a monster. Only I didn’t know he was a monster. I really and truly thought this beautiful man was a good man and loved me with all his heart. I thought we were a great love story and believed every lie and accepted his emotional abuse as what it took to be his. He lied, manipulated and controlled my every thought and action. I was the “other woman” who was so in love with him I believed all his lies about his “marriage” and ex wife. I was so stupid. The divorce drug out for years and many times I tried to cut him out of my life and couldn’t. I knew what was being done to me and still couldn’t. What’s worse, I married him. I thought all of my dreams had come true though. I was so happy. For seven months until I began to suspect he was cheating. Then I felt immense guilt at ever thinking he would do this to me because I believed he truly loved me. I apologized to him and told him I would get therapy. I was in such a bad state and he held me and looked me straight in the eyes and….lied to me. I finally caught him a week later and he confessed to multiple affairs. I’ve been a wreck. I can’t function. I have quit my job to collect my pension to move away from here and it’s painful memories to start another life. I still love him. I worshipped him I am ashamed to say. I hate him too but how do I move on?  I’m 46 and in love with a monster and don’t know how to let go. I’m also terrified of being on my own. Or even dating when I get to that point. How do people date these days?

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