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Am I Crazy for Wanting Divorce?

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John Samuels

Sorry if this is long. I don’t have much of a support structure.

I was married at 21 (male) to my then 20 yo wife. At that time I had a lot of friends, and excellent relationships with my friends, and she was somewhat outgoing.

As we continue on she became controlling. I did something wrong everyday. She became a homebody. Would get upset when I went out, and would continually ask questions (where are you, when will you be home, etc). This even goes for a quick trip to the grocery store. It became to the point I no longer had friends to go out with, and she didn’t want to go out.

Roughly two years ago we had our first child. Her mom has been incredibly involved, where my parents have been pushed aside. She hasn’t liked my parents 100% from the beginning, but even more now. They live 30 minutes away and have only seen our daughter a handful of times. She won’t let anyone watch her. My mother gave her a taste of bean juice once, which caused a text to be sent out where my parents then wrote me off. We repaired that, and from then on it became lying to my parents about seeing them to avoid fighting with my wife. My parents want to be heavily involved as I am an only child, so this is their first grandchild. My wife thinks they are being crazy, where I do not. I have always been extremely close with my parents, and in the past 2 years they have written me off on 3 different occasions because of actions from my wife. She is absolutely crazy over our child. I have never had one input about how she will be raised, what she will eat, so, etc.

Her mom is very involved like I mentioned so there are always pictures of them. She has been around my mother 1 time with our daughter. It’s saddening actually to see these young times pass without my daughter and my parents interacting.

My wife has always had anxiety and depression issues. When I talk to her she begins crying and it’s tough to have a serious conversation. I think when I got married young it’s because I wanted that, without looking ahead.

She hasn’t met all of my 9 co-workers, not a single family member on my dads side, hardly anyone on my moms side, or many of my friends. We have maybe been on 1 double date with another couple.

I’m at the point, it’s been building up that I’m not happy anymore. I want to go do things, have friends, go on dates (leaving kid with babysitter), and just in general have fun! I understand having a child comes with responsibility, 100%.

I want someone who is involved in my friends, family, interests, etc. someone who wants to leave the house. We have turned into completely polar opposites, because I think I have realized I can’t continue to be controlled and have no say in anything.

When I’m around her, my anxiety is so bad I can hardly breathe. We have sex maybe 1 time every 2 or 3 months and I don’t feel the passion too. Kissing her before I leave is difficult. I have developed bad depression also, where I maybe eat 1.5 meals a day, have terrible sleeping habits.

I guess I’m wondering, I don’t expect an answer that I’m making the wrong decision by wanting a divorce. My concern is hurting her, and being hated by everyone. I’ve told her that I’m not happy, just in general. She was upset that she doesn’t make me happy, and I will just say I don’t know what’s wrong, and that nothing makes me happy.

Has anyone dealt with any of these same issues? What input is there? I have counseling in 5 days but I can’t wait that long to talk about it.

I should mention I am now 26 and we are approaching the 5 year mark.

Thank you

#11413 Reply
random avatar

No you are not crazy. I ave been married for 32 years with him for 40 years. It doesn’t get better. I just filed for a divorce. I can’t take it anymore

#12032 Reply
random avatar

Hi i just read your post and i can relate. I feel as tho i want a divorce but i dont know how to go about it. I have 3 kids who i adore deeply like any parent. Been married 14 years i dont know what to do anymore and i dont know how to tell my wife i want a divorce.

If you want to chat anytime. Message me

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by mara.
#12056 Reply
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I think you should get out now before too much time has passed and you’ll really feel guilty.

Life is too short to be miserable.

#12080 Reply
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Mary S

I think it is normal that you feel the way you do under the circumstances.  But…I will say to tell you to divorce is not for anyone else to decide.  You and anyone else would want some relief, that is normal.  Divorce does not make the difficulties go away.  You will still be dealing with her issues because you have a child together.  And that will most likely make it more difficult to see or spend time with your daughter.  I am not condoning her behavior that is making you miserable.  It’s just that I would like to point out what comes with divorce.  I have been married and divorced twice.  The last one, recent.  I can see the errors of my ways but at the time did not although my ex’s had very difficult things to deal with too. So we all have our differences and issues.  She may have some things she is dealing with that causes her to act the way she does.  The thing is would it be worth it to try to somehow work through these with her as a last effort to avoid divorce?  I am no expert and am not saying do not leave her but that trying to work through this to come to a good resolution might help you to avoid additional tough feelings after you divorce if you do.  Everyone is different so maybe some can go on and think nothing of it but for me, my heart aches. (my 2nd ex is already engaged again for the 5th! time).  I say this to say, the next one will have their issues too, maybe different than your current wife, but still has issues.  Marriage is tough no doubt and takes two willing to be grown up and deal with their issues in a healthy way.  Seems most WILL NOT AND most have a line that once crossed it’s over.  I wanted to face the problems was willing to address my stuff compromise the best I could yet still be myself and then when it came down to him wanting to divorce I wanted to handle it in a non hurtful way but resolve things so we could both move on without adding more baggage for each of our futures.  Did not happen.  I just feel cruddy about all of it but for him, he wiped me off and moved on like I never existed.  Who is better off?

#12319 Reply
random avatar

Try looking at yourself and how u are contributing. For example, your spouse might be controlling because she feels unsafe, she does not know u will be there for her or u are focusing outside your marriage instead of putting her first. Wife’s way of acting is probably in response to how u act, same as you change how u behave based on how she acts. Try getting help to work out your issues. If you leave wife, u will still be stuck with all your issues, they will all come up again. A courageous person tries to face them. Try to find good help with this wife. Do not discount how you are contributing, and how much influence u can have to change things by changing yourself and being there for wife.

#12358 Reply
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i dont know what to do…. I dont love him anymore and always annoyed by him.  He is not the same person I met….. We have two children and I think we are together because of them.  I dont know how to tell him.

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