I am 43 and have been married for 15 years.  We have three children together and are a happy couple.  We have a great life together and I have never contemplated stepping outside my marriage.

However I have met someone through work whom I am wildly attracted to.  It was all so innocent in the beginning. He is a client that I didn’t see often and had a business relationship with.  Recently we have had some issues with his account and we have been spending a lot of time together.  Nothing has happened and we have both kept it professional although I would be lying if I didn’t say I get excited to see an email or text from him flash across my phone.  It seems like there is always something to talk about work wise and when there isn’t we both make things up.

Recently we have started having lunch so we can discuss strategy.  We both know its a cover for wanting to see each other and we both know its wrong yet we can’t seem to stop.  Sometimes our hands touch by mistake and we are both unable to speak.  The sexual tension is so great that all we can do is stare at each other.  We try and talk about it but we can’t.  We both know that we are heading in a dangerous direction and we both know we should stop before something actually happens – but we can’t or we don’t or we won’t.

Obviously this has weighed heavily on my mind.  Do I not love my husband? Am I not “In Love” with my husband? Is this normal in a marriage? I go over and over it.  I do love my husband and I don’t want a divorce. In fact I love our life together and I love him.  But I do want to have sex with someone else.  I want it so badly that I cannot think about anything else.  I fantasize about being with him all the time and feel if we do it  “just once” it will be out of my system.

I sit up at night wondering: Can my marriage survive? Does he ever have to know? Is it really such a big deal? I know its wrong – and I know I would be devastated if the tables were turned but I can’t help myself.  I believe that so many couples have had “just sex” with people other than their spouses and carry on with their marriages.  I am just trying to figure out if I am one of them!

 

L.W.

11 Responses to “Can my marriage survive an affair?”

  1. Paul

    No your marriage would not survive an affair. If lucky your partner would be willing to try and start a new relationship but it will never be the same. Further what kind of role model will you be for your children? Should you get caught and your marriage end they will most certainly know the person their mother truly is.

    Reply
  2. G

    Dear LW

    My advice to you get yourself prepared for your husband to never fully trust you ever again if he decides to keep you around. Your going to change the mold for your children’s future google the stats on the success rate there marriages will have. I would suggest sit down with a therapist and get your head figured out, find out why your selfish self destructive behavior is taking place. When you cross this line ALL your friends will side with your husband and talk behind your back and slowly remove themselves from you they will also feel betrayed. And when you do get caught or the guilt pulls you into a sad confession your AFFAIR BUDDY is going to get out of dodge fast and will have nothing to do with you. I am speaking from experience do not go down this road whatever is missing in your life has to change with you, your husband and kids are going to blindsided and WILL NEVER FORGET WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

    Good Luck because you are already in an emotional affair anyway !!

    Reply
  3. John

    If you truly value your marriage and your husband, walk away…now. You are playing with fire, and you are going to get burned. Emotional infidelity almost always leads to physical infidelity.

    I’ve been where you are to some degree, only in my case it was because my marriage was falling apart. I had the pain of my impending separation/divorce on the one hand, and then when my wife and I decided to fix things up, I had the pain of hurting the other one I’d grown attached to. It was miserable.

    If you intend to keep your marriage, you have to end this now. And then sit down with your husband and a counselor and try to understand why it happened in the first place, and how you both can improve your marriage from it. Maybe you’ll find that spark that seems to be missing.

    And if your marriage is over, at least be adult enough to end it on good terms, without being a slut about it and sleeping around. Remember, your kids are watching your example.

    Reply
  4. Anonymous

    Your fooling yourself,
    Here, let me give you a scenario, reverse the tables, meaning your husband was thinking about having sex with a coworker, how would that make you feel,?
    Take your head out of your ass and start living your life the real way, meaning ask yourself what the sanctity of marriage really is,
    I’m sorry I have to be rude, but that’s the true reality of everything, everybody fantasizes about everything outside of the marriage as opposed to looking in the mayor’s to make it stronger,
    So stop being weak, be a great mother, be an awesome wife, and then you could be a decent human being, don’t be a statistic,

    P.S

    Think about the day that you were standing in front of the altar making those vows with your husband, be true to those vows,
    Be true to yourself,,
    And stop fantasizing that gets you in trouble, I feel sorry for him .

    Reply
  5. Someone who understands how torn you must feel

    A marriage can survive an affair but if it does your marriage will forever be changed. It will also be a long hard uphill battle and you will forever have lost your husband’s trust. He may say that he trusts you but he probably never will fully.
    I have been in your situation before. A very similar one. I was happy in my marriage but this other man and I had so much chemistry. I fooled myself. I thought if it was just once no one would ever have to know. But the problem was that it ended up being more then the one time. It turned into an affair. I will never forget how devastated my husband was when he found out. I hurt the man I vowed to be faithful to. We are still together 7 years later but it has taken us years of ups and downs. Sometimes those downs have been very bad downs. We have talked about separating on a few of those occasions but have managed to over come things when they have gotten to that point. We have also done counselling as a couple at multiple times throughout the 7 years and we’ve each had to have individual couselling
    I don’t think you’re a selfish person for having these thoughts but I do think you really have to weigh everything out before you make that decision. Once you cross that boundary you can never go back and the outcome is so very different for anyone who has ever been in that place.

    Reply
    • Gale Snow

      That is a very non judgmental reply with honesty. There are many reasons that affairs happen, not just because of an attraction. It’s never an easy decision. I just wanted to tell You, your response is kind. Thank you

      Reply
  6. Anonymous

    An emotional affair is 100% more damaging to a marriage. It usually destroys ALL trust & ultimately in the end your marriage & family. People enter an affair for selfish reasons instead of getting counselling to understand & deal with the core self issue of why you would even be wanting a relationship of ANY type with someone other than your spouse whom you made a commitment to. Marriage is NOT a disposable relationship but something that requires honesty & daily commitment. Every relationship has difficult times but if you work together with your spouse (& counselling if it’s needed) it can benefit all involved.

    Reply
  7. Deneen

    I can assure you, the affair is NEVER worth it, especially if you love your husband. Check out GoAskSuzie’s website before contemplating an affair. It may open your eyes to some things you are not thinking of.

    Reply
  8. Beatrice

    This was my scenario, only it was my husband. He had an emotional affair with my friend. Even after asking him to stop, and him saying he would, it didn’t. He was just angry that I knew and stopped it. So for the next 3 years I tried to trust him again……but he didn’t really want the marriage to work. He told me he wondered what it would be like married to her. So I left. He was then with her for almost two years……now another woman. Will see how long she lasts. Either you are committed or you are not. Love isn’t always about chemistry. It’s about commitment, respect and being there. You’ve already crossed the line. My suggestion is get help, give this client to someone else and don’t look back. Or screw your kids, husband and life…..up to you.

    Reply
  9. Pat

    My opinion is if you are getting attracted to other people outside of the marriage I am pretty sure your husband also feel the same way about other women. When couples grow apart from each other these things happens. May be time for therapy or time for a vacation together.

    Reply
  10. Albie

    I hate to say this but “Been there, done that” – twice! The first time, a work friend I really loved as just that, slowly fell for me over a few months & I for her. She had been having troubles with her husband and I, not realising it at the time, became a crutch while they worked through their problems. We went into a full-blown affair and this was when I learnt that an affair is like a corridor, with multiple sets of revolving doors. As you go through each one of them, hugging, kissing and so on, well you get the picture, you cannot return back through any of them. If you go as far as sex, then that is where things unravel and go wrong. You have a picture in your mind that you will be happy with this person and they probably imagine the same. But sadly, that isn’t the case. You will both discover this, as I have. All you will be left with is painful regret, intense anger with yourself and an inability to look yourself in the mirror. So with my first affair, of course my friend and her husband worked it out and got back together. I was left adrift, longing for the person I was still deeply in love with, even though she cast me aside like an empty wrapper! The second affair found me being chased by a woman I liked, though I didn’t chase her. I said I didn’t want another affair, yet fell for her eventually. She booted her husband out of her house and moved me in. Though now I feel trapped, wishing she’d throw me out too! The love (on my side) has long gone and I am kept by emotional blackmail and cannot see a way out. It sounds like a TV programme I know, all exciting and full of life! Yet the reality is actually torture. I feel like I have been dead for 20 years. You want an exciting affair? My advice is don’t even think about it! While my situation is rare and almost certainly won’t happen to you, something will happen, you WILL be found out. You get all the giddiness and butterflies of new love and think you’re both keeping it a secret, only you aren’t and can’t. Then regret becomes a bitter pill to swallow, you will never forget it and you’ll wish it had never begun, every day, forever.

    Reply

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