As I write this, I know that I am going to get a lot of people judging me.  But here is my story….

I got married in my early 20’s to a man who was 8 years older than me.  He was nice looking, came from a good family and adored me.  Was he the love of my life? No, he definitely wasn’t.  I was however a little crazy in my 20’s and so my parents really loved him.  Looking back, I realized that they probably pushed me into marrying him without even realizing it.

We got married and had wonderful twin boys.  I was super mom.  I did everything with them and was so grateful that I could stay at home and be with them.  I even had help which allowed me to also have a balance in my life.  My husband was a great father and so for anyone looking in we had the perfect family.  But the truth was I loved my husband as a friend – I felt nothing for him romantically.  I dreaded being intimate with him and did everything I could to avoid it.  It was pretty easy to do as we were both exhausted all the time.  Between hockey, soccer, football and school – we were busy!

As the boys grew, I knew that eventually I would have to deal with the reality that I was not in Love.  I just didn’t want to break up my family.  I didn’t want to hurt by husband who was so good to me, I didn’t want my boys to have to deal with divorce.

I am not proud to say that I had a brief affair, but I did.  The details aren’t really important and it was purely physical, but it was enough to wake me up and realize that I had to get out of my marriage.  I was way to young to live the life I was living.

Without going into the drama of our Divorce (and there was plenty of it), I got an extremely generous settlement that included a new home, child support and spousal support.

For the first few years after my Divorce I had the best time.  I dated, I shopped, I was free! I had never felt so alive in my whole life.  But I wasn’t so smart. I went through my money quickly and found myself in a tough spot.  I knew that in order to continue my lifestyle then I would have to meet someone who could take care of me.  I know it sounds awful and I dread writing it – but it is the truth.  I actually met someone really lovely who adores me. He is financially stable and we have a great time together.  Is he the love of my life? I don’t think so but I am now wondering if there is really such a thing? Maybe my expectations of my husband were unrealistic? Maybe relationships are about friendship, security and good times.

I am going to move in with him and see.  I keep hearing that nagging voice in my head saying “here you go again”… but I am going to ignore it and hope this time is different.

 

Stephanie, 48

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