I cheated on my wife. I had both a physical and emotional affair for two blissful years.

I know it sounds awful and it is… However let me explain how I was able to rationalize it to myself and look in the mirror with absolute no guilt.

My wife and I were married for 15 years. We lived the typical life. Got married at the same time as our friends, had kids and I worked hard to provide for my family. And when I say I worked hard, I worked hard!! I worked long hours to provide my family with everything I could.

We got caught in this insane rut. My wife wanted all the finer things my long hours provided, yet she also wanted me around to help with the kids. She was constantly complaining. Nothing I did made her happy. I felt disconnected and angry. How dare she rip me apart for working hard? She wanted it all but had no sense of what it took to get it all.

I remember feeling that the stress of work together with the stress of her was going to kill me. I was miserable. I spent hours contemplating how to get out. But I was scared. She was so vicious — I was scared I’d lose my kids. She was so greedy I wasn’t sure I could afford to get a divorce. So I just lived my miserable life and tried to get through day by day.

And then I met someone. It’s so stereotypical that it kills me to write it but she was younger and she was beautiful and she made me feel alive. She didn’t yell at me, she didn’t complain to me, she just enjoyed being with me.

I fell hard. I felt so happy and acknowledged that I didn’t even think about what I was doing to my wife. I felt so victimized by her that I somehow felt justified in what I was doing.
This woman was the complete opposite of my wife. I was happy for the first time in a long time and it was like a drug that I couldn’t stop taking.

Should I have left? Yes of course I should have.

What inevitably happened is my wife found out. She was devastated and angry and said it was my fault. She told me she was going to make me pay and went after me with the same visciousness she did in our marriage.
But I didn’t care. It was a relief to not live this double life any longer and to be rid of her.

Our friends and family look at me as though I am a horrible person. But I don’t care.
I know that she was awful and didn’t appreciate me. I know that she drove me into the arms of another woman and I know that we all will be better in the long run.

So the next time you are shocked when you hear that someone you know is having an affair –hold your judgement…..there are 2 sides to every story!

 

SK, 52

26 Responses to “I Had An Affair — Don’t Judge!”

    • dorthy angie

      I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think he is courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on.I was then introduced to some professional hackers..hackdemon4@gmail.com
      who helped me hacked his phone’s texts and calls so I got to understand
      what has been going on.they offer lots of hacking services,
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      Reply
  1. also cheated on

    Well, thats just selfish. There are three sides to every story, his, hers, and the truth.

    Reply
  2. Lady with Class

    Cheating is wrong and never justified for any reason. When the going gets tough the wimps have affairs to make their fragile egos feel better. Any woman who has an affair of any kind with a man who they KNOW is with another woman, regardless what HE says about why, is a woman without self respect, self esteem, morals or values. A real man ENDS the relationship he is in BEFORE he starts another one. Your soul mate is NEVER the significant other of another. NEVER.

    Reply
    • dorthy angie

      I agree that if you plan to stay with a cheater don’t try to find any information. However, in my case I needed it in my state in order to file for a divorce and come out of the relationship. You can’t just say I think he is courts want proof or you end up spending a lot of time and money to fight it out! Finding out was hard, but I was relieved that I wasn’t crazy and it’s making my divorce go a lot smoother. He would never confess; therefore, I did the best thing for me…find out, no doubt, move on.I was then introduced to some professional hackers..hackdemon4 at g mail dot com
      who helped me hacked his phone’s texts and calls so I got to understand
      what has been going on.they offer lots of hacking services,
      website database hack, phone cloning, background checks and surveillance,
      access to social networks, icloud viber chats , Facebook messages and yahoo messenger,calls log and spy call recording, monitoring SMS messages remotely,cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on Whatsapp Messages.
      contact hackdemon4 at g mail dot com. Tell them it’s from dorothy

      Reply
  3. Keeping it real

    That’s a lot of deflecting towards “the other woman”. If your husband has an affair, he is accountable to you. He is the one that promised to be faithful to you and to honour and respect you and your life together. The woman or women he cheats with owe you nothing. You’re been described as a terrible person by your spouse! Affairs don’t happen in solid marriages and both partners ALWAYS play a role in the breakdown. The affair is never what ends the marriage. It seems that a lot of people stay in unhappy situations and many seem to cheat in order to just “feel”. I don’t believe that’s a healthy way to live and I don’t believe that having a lover or partner that is married is going to turn out well under any circumstances but no one is a victim of another woman or man. If your marriage is in trouble, you absolutely helped put it there and the marriage was doomed one way or another.

    Reply
  4. Keeping it Real

    That’s a lot of deflecting towards “the other woman”. If your husband has an affair, he is accountable to you. He is the one that promised to be faithful to you and to honour and respect you and your life together. The woman or women he cheats with owe you nothing. You’re been described as a terrible person by your spouse! Affairs don’t happen in solid marriages and both partners ALWAYS play a role in the breakdown. The affair is never what ends the marriage. It seems that a lot of people stay in unhappy situations and many seem to cheat in order to just “feel”. I don’t believe that’s a healthy way to live and I don’t believe that having a lover or partner that is married is going to turn out well under any circumstances but no one is a victim of another woman or man. If your marriage is in trouble, you absolutely helped put it there and the marriage was doomed one way or another.

    Reply
  5. Ivan

    Stupid…..so now your children hate you, your wife is gone (and we havent heard her side of the story by the way) and i bet the young exciting lady is also gone. Probably started taking her medications and left you bare assed and alone.
    I hope your wife takes you for all your worth. Leave you with just enough to drink yourself half to death prior to retirement. Selfish and short sighted.
    Poor baby. Enjoy a slow and loveless death.

    Reply
  6. Anonymous

    i was hoping for a different explanation of why someone cheated. that is just the typical story and even though i do believe that a marriage that is going well usually leaves very little room for someone to run away into another person’s arms, cheating is never justified. the cheater needs to take more responsibility than this arthur. i can’t believe he said he could look himself in the mirror and feel absolutely no guilt. that’s horrible!

    Reply
  7. Max

    I totally identify with the writer as I also had an affair which led to me leaving my wife. I didn’t leave my wife because of the affair (in fact she begged me to stay), but I remembered what it was like to actually “love” life. At 45, and after much analysis, realised my wife and I would not be happy together into the future.

    Men have affairs for two primary reasons:
    1. The sex. (Not my case)
    2. The affair is a sub-conscious way of having one foot in the door of the “family home” and one foot out. (My case)

    In my case, I used to dream of leaving, but I adore my children. As their provider and protector, I put their needs above mine for many years. When a chance meeting developed into an affair, I consciously decided to put my needs/wants above theirs for the first time. This meant leaving their mother.

    It is not easy, but I have tried to remain supportive and friendly with my soon-to-be ex-wife. She is heartbroken at the family breakdown, but she realises that we are just not compatible.

    There’s no excuse for an affair, but there is can be explanations.

    Reply
  8. Don't judge

    I would say “Don’t judge”! As life happens no matter what we used to think, believe, value. When I was a little girl I couldn’t understand how someone could cheat on another one. Then I grew up and was lied to by several men. Then I got married. And decided to be faithful although from the very beginning there were things to be desired. The husband lived with his mother in his apartment. He didn’t even hug me in her presence. He never had sex with me while she was in the apartment, which was most of the time. But then I thought he is shy, he needs time. I had so much trouble with the mother-in-law. If you’ve seen Everybody Loves Raymond, Marie’s character is very much like my ex-mother-in-law. We emigrated however my ex-husband continued to listen to her about everything and not me. He was constantly complaining about the new country, the people, his job and he didn’t do anything to change that. We were having sex once a month. After our fist son a couple of times a year. And I’m highly sexual. He didn’t like to go anywhere. He was earning less money than me. Not that this was important but he was complaining the whole time and doing nothing. He was making me feel guilty when I was buying healthy food or nice clothes for myself. He started paying more attention to our child than to me. I always had to play the bad cop. He never stepped in as a dad to discipline the child. We hardly went anywhere. We stopped inviting guests for dinner. It was a dull life. He only cared about his hobby. He was helping around the house but this is not what I wanted. I wanted a man, not a woman. When the baby was 16 months old him and I went back home for a visit. Out of respect (not that I felt it) I stayed first with the in-laws. They were terrible. After an incident when they almost killed my child with a piece of apple (long story) two days after the baby was having a temper tantrum and I was talking on Skype with my husband at the time. The father-in-law came in the room and took my child without asking me. We were in OUR room in my husband’s apartment where the father-in-law has also come to live. I told him to leave my child and reached out to take him and he hit me with his elbow. Then he called me “stupid” and a “hooligan”. So after that night I stopped speaking to them and never went back there. However, my ex-husband almost also stopped speaking to me for a year and there was a cold war at home … as he took their side. As usual.
    So, it was then when this guy showed up. He was courting me for 3-4 months. I was declining but finally I surrendered. We had an affair for a few years. He was also married. He left his wife and later I left my husband too. Now I live with my “boyfriend” and although it’s not always perfect I am much happier now.
    Yes, there are sacrifices. The older son lives with his dad who badmouths me in front of him. I’ve had health issues due to all the stress. But you know what, I feel much better to be out of this sick family!
    And by the way, I’m the younger girlfriend and I left my ex-husband for an older boyfriend.
    There are as many stories as there are people in the world. So don’t judge unless you’ve been in their shoes! You never know what’s in store for you!

    Reply
    • Shadesof life

      all I hear is waaah waaah waaah…….it’s simple leave the marriage then get involved…….no one made you stay just like no one made you have an affair…….if you did it to him you will do it to the new one…….

      Reply
  9. Anonymous

    A true man would of left before the affair. A coward has an affair then gets caught and leave because his wife wants no part of him and wants a dviorce. I hope she bleeds you dry.

    Reply
  10. Cristina

    A true man would of left before the affair. A coward has an affair then gets caught and leave because his wife wants no part of him and wants a dviorce. I hope she bleeds you dry.

    Reply
  11. Introspective Observer

    Ridiculous.

    So much animosity towards the guy who cheated. So much justification for a bad decision made in a bad situation.

    Marriage sucks. It’s hard – REALLY hard – to make it work. Anyone who says otherwise is living in a bubble. I used to think, “How DARE someone cheat – such horrible people.” Then I lived longer, and experienced more. I saw the pain in people’s eyes when they were living the stretches of a long-term relationship that can sometimes be hell. I won’t justify cheating, but I can’t vilify it either. There are few absolutes. What is a guy hits his his wife, but it only happens once and never again? What if a woman drops sex down to 3-4 times per year? Maybe it’s a physical or psychological problem, and not simply desire. Are these situations ALWAYS worth the pain of divorce and the hardship on the kids? What if a partner cheats, but just once and it’s never discovered? Do we truthfully believe that affairs are ALWAYS discovered?

    What if after hardship, after some form of rift, or pain, or strife, or yes, even violence – what if there is peace and harmony? What if a couple navigates pain, cheating, betrayal, and end up growing old together? Is that ok? Can we forgive someone for taking a hard road to finding there way – either to peace or ultimately to new relationships – without wishing they suffer painfully for the rest of their lives? Why do we feel someone should be punished for the rest of their lives for a mistake, or maybe a blessing in disguise? Personally, I wish both the best, and courage for the road ahead. He was not justified (nor does he think he is), and her behavior both before and after the affair is not ok. Besides – once you have kids you never fully separate; parenting is a lifetime together, in one fashion or another.

    I you feel the urge to burn someone for sharing their story, pause for a moment and look at yourself. The pain you went through (maybe you were cheated on) is not caused by them. Maybe it’s you that needs to heal before you pass judgement.

    Reply
  12. Anonymous

    Yes, you are right you needed to rationalized your actions so this is the story you’re choosing to tell yourself so you could live with yourself. A real man would have come clean ask for divorce let is wife know it is over before acting out and lying for 2 years to himself and his family or which is the harder part deal with the marriage issues that made you look outside. You were married for 15 years had kids with this woman and she deserve much better than your actions. It is called RESPECT. What you did is a cowardly act.
    You choose to live a lie over the right thing to do. No matter what you tell yourself it was a still a choice!
    I wouldn’t never be able to understand to sympathize with a cheater.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous

    Well this other woman didn’t have to deal with children, housework, jobs. She was just his sex partner. Maybe he shouldn’t have judged his wife when she had her own load to deal with. Looks like he was judging his wife so don’t say not to judge. I am sure he wasn’t perfect either. This is only one perspective. Looks like people will try to justify themselves when they already know they are doing wrong. Adultery is adultery no matter how you try to explain it away. Marriage vows are exactly that…..marriage vows. A man of integrity will find a way to keep his vows not a way to cheat.

    Reply
  14. Anonymous

    You sound like a selfish douche who is unable to take any responsibility for your own part in your unhappy marriage. Grow up.

    Reply
  15. Anonymous

    This part makes me very curious…”And when I say I worked hard, I worked hard!! I worked long hours to provide my family with everything I could”. So, how did he find all of this time to spend with his girlfriend when he had a family. There are definitely two sides to a story and the side I’ve read doesn’t impress me.

    Reply
  16. Ellen

    If you aren’t happy in the marriage, work on it! If you can’t make things work , then get out! I have been cheated on and I was devastated! I found after a year or so! I forgave him not for him but for myself and my son! It was the best thing he could have done for us is to leave! I wish he had left first though because of the fact that everyone knew about it and didn’t feel the need to tell me! I was humiliated!

    Reply
  17. PJ

    Men only leave when they have something to leave to. Women however make the conscious decision they are not happy in the relationship, they leave and hope to find happiness with someone else.

    Reply
  18. Just Sayin

    All I can say is you lose them the same way you got them, so if you’re the one interfering in the marriage then watch out, you’re turn is coming!!

    Reply
    • Anonymous

      well thee is truly 2 sides and where were you when you had a family??? you think that you cheating on your wife is her fault ???
      hope your new younger girlfriend cheats on you ,wake up you need to look in the mirror

      Reply

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