I was blindsided in my marriage. So many of us are. I had no idea there was someone else .
People ask how did you not suspect anything. I guess I was really unaware and trusted that he loved me. But truthfully when I really look back and take a hard look there were definitely clues that I was not willing (or maybe I should say not able) to look at throughout the year.
For me, those 5 clues were:
1. Length of Fights — We always had disagreements but in the last year the intensity of our fights increased. We never used to be able to go to bed angry and now it seemed my husband could stay angry and distant for weeks.
2. Our Communication Dwindled — My husband and I used to talk about anything and everything. I was his best friend, his confidante and his partner. He would ask my advice on everything. In the last year we barely spoke during the day. and he would get angry or irritable everytime I tried to discuss anything of importance
3. Sex. — We were still having It but definitely not as often and I was initiating more than he was.
4. Trips and Gifts — My husband used to plan amazing and fun trips for our anniversary and birthdays. His gifts were always over the top. This year there were no gifts and we did a staycation I thought it was because money was tight It never occurred to me he was spending our money wining and dining and gifting another women
5. Lack of overall Interest — In me, the kids. their school, their extracurricular activities and their emotional needs. I thought work was occupying his time away from us …..yup he was being occupied but not by work.
It is really important to note that if your spouse changes the dynamics of your relationship with no apparent reason — Dont look away!!
Open your eyes – look at the clues and don’t get blindsided. There is most likely someone else they are putting their time, energy, interest (and money) into.
I have to agree with number 5. Lack of overall interest . My situation was so difficult because my ex booked a family vacation kids and all .There was complete silence on the airplane and for pretty much the rest of the trip . I knew my marriage was over before he announced our divorce to my kids at the end of the vacation .
This blog is very insightful and helpful with recovery. If only I knew then that I would need it! I agree with Mishie -the biggest take away is lack of interest. For anyone wondering about their significant other – trust your gut. If they are interested in you, you should never need to question it. Never question your own worth. I have moved on and have found love again because I am worthy. The experience my cheating spouse provided me (although heartbreaking) had a silver lining. I recognized my own value.
What if I experience all of the above but I am sure he is not cheating? No interest in sex, or me, rarely had in the past too. I was always the one initiating. He never planned or wanted to go on vacations with me, no interest in having kids. Trips and Gifts? What are you guys talking about? I only dreamt about it. I made all my gifts and trips come true. My only conclusion is that he does not love me or does not love me the way I would like it to be. Or want or really deserves to have a family. It may not be cheating with another person but it is equally hurtful and upsetting. To realize you lived so many years for another person and he was not sharing the same passion, or even half of what you feel, for you. Good lesson. This test only proved to me what I felt for a long time is that I am not appreciated and I should leave. I never had what these women experienced in their lives. I was always on the giving side of the relationships. Both emotionally, financially and otherwise. These women should be grateful for at least the time they had with such generous and loving husbands. And learn that nothing, including love and happiness, lasts forever. Mind you, I’m not justifying their husbands behaviour. But just saying, you had a great life and be thankful for those happy years. Because not every woman gets that, no matter how beautiful, smart or capable she is. Even for a period of time, let alone a lifetime. Shared love and great marriage is a privilege and luck, not a preexisting right or something that everyone is bound to find in life. May be too pessimistic at times but this is me version of reality and just my 2 cents. Treasure what you have and when it’s over, treasure all the positives that you had in the past.